For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WEDDINGS CAN BE BEAUTIFUL AND STILL COME IN ON BUDGET
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for setting "Singing the Wedding Bell Blues" straight. She's the young woman who was miffed because her parents offered her "only" $7,000 to spend on her wedding when she wanted four times that amount. How dare she assume that her parents are financially responsible! They do not "owe" her anything.
I am a wedding coordinator and have been involved in many weddings where the bride and groom had a limited budget. They were some of the most beautiful and romantic weddings I've seen. I have also done a wedding where the parents spent $100,000 to impress 2,000 people. That couple isn't any more married than a couple who spends very little.
"Singing" should wake up and rethink her plans. Allow me to offer a few suggestions:
(1) Consider having her wedding at a bed-and-breakfast or other facility that provides everything needed for a wonderful event.
(2) Have a double ceremony with her brother. (They have the same family members and probably share some of the same friends.)
(3) Change the wedding date so she and her fiance have more time to save for the splashy wedding of their dreams.
(4) Hire a wedding coordinator who will help her stay within a budget.
Abby, even if this bride-elect is a 4.0 graduate, she's showing neither maturity nor common sense, not to mention gratitude for the $7,000 her parents have offered. She is more concerned about having a wedding than a marriage, and that is sad. -- KATHY IN ATLANTA
DEAR KATHY: Mail poured in after that young woman's letter appeared. While none of the other letters came from professional wedding planners, all of it came from readers shocked by "Singing's" attitude of entitlement. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I commend you for your response to "Singing the Wedding Bell Blues." If I were writing your column, I might have chosen a few four-letter words to emphasize the selfish immaturity displayed by those young adults. Keep shooting straight. -- DOING ALL I CAN -- AND THAT'S ALL, OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR ABBY: My parents worked hard during my entire childhood to ensure that my sisters and I had a comfortable upbringing, only to lose everything in a business they bought for their retirement after the three of us left home. When my sister and I were being married, neither of us expected financial assistance from our parents. We were delighted they could even ATTEND our weddings.
My parents drew upon their life insurance policies so they could give us each $1,000 as a wedding gift. I will never forget how wonderful it was to have them with me when I married my husband, nor the heartbreak at opening their card and having to accept their gift, knowing what a tremendous sacrifice it was for them.
"Singing" should be happy that her parents are able to retire comfortably and that she won't have to worry about their future. For years, I could not say the same. -- GRATEFUL DAUGHTER IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: When I married in May 1977, my parents couldn't afford an elaborate wedding either. We had an outdoor wedding on my father's property. We spent the entire spring building trellises and planting flower beds. My husband and I invited 150 guests at a cost of $1,500. Two weeks before the wedding, several aunts and I made up 300 tamales. The day of our wedding, we had a huge Mexican feast.
Our wedding was gorgeous, and I have the pictures to prove it. "Singing" should quit sulking and use her imagination. -- MADE DO IN KANSAS
Make Days of Your Life Count by Resolving to Live Them Well
DEAR READERS: My New Year's column has become an annual tradition. These New Year's resolutions are based on the original credo of Al-Anon with the addition of some variations of my own.
Just for today, I will live through this day only, and not set far-reaching goals to try to overcome all my problems at once. I know I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I thought I had to keep it up for a lifetime.
Just for today, I will be happy. Abraham Lincoln said, "Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." He was right. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. I will chase them out of my mind and replace them with happy thoughts.
Just for today, I will adjust myself to what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.
Just for today, I will improve my mind. I will not be a mental loafer. I will force myself to read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.
Just for today, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll make an honest effort to quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat nothing I know to be fattening. And I will force myself to exercise -- even if it's only walking around the block or using the stairs instead of the elevator.
Just for today, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will look as good as I can, dress becomingly, speak softly, act courteously, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll try not to improve anybody except myself.
We know so much more about nutrition and how much exercise and sensible living can extend life and make it more enjoyable; so just for today, I'll take good care of my body so I can celebrate many more happy new years.
Just for today, I will have a program. I may not follow it exactly, but I will have it, thereby saving myself from two pests: hurry and indecision.
Just for today, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions.
To one and all: A happy, healthy New Year! -- LOVE, ABBY
P.S. God bless our men and women in uniform in every corner of the world where our flag is flying. And let us not forget those patriotic Americans who are serving their country in the Peace Corps, as well as those who have served and are now in veterans hospitals and nursing homes.
And as we begin this bright, shiny new year, consider these "Thoughts for the Day" by the philosopher Sri Sathya Sai Baba:
"If there is righteousness in the heart, there will be beauty in the character.
"If there be beauty in the character, there will be harmony in the home.
"If there is harmony in the home, there will be order in the nation.
"When there is order in the nation, there will peace in the world."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER IS NOW A MILLIONAIRE, AND FAMILY CAN'T GET ENOUGH
DEAR ABBY: Because of a serious illness that resulted from taking a certain medication, I recently received a settlement of more than a million dollars. I have invested most of the money, and have a cash flow sufficient to take care of emergencies and a few luxuries. I must make sure that these funds will cover medical expenses for the remainder of my life.
Ever since I received the settlement, my family (children, parents and siblings) think I'm very rich and that my money is their money, too. They constantly ask me to bail them out of one financial mess or another, or to buy them luxury items. I have helped them out of tight spots in the past, but they have always squandered their money and have never saved a dime for the future.
I go to bed each night sick to my stomach because of the guilt trips they put me through when I refuse their requests for money. They expect me to pay for everything.
Abby, am I being selfish? -- S.F. IN COLORADO
DEAR S.F.: No, you are being prudent. Instead of giving them money, encourage your relatives to enroll in credit counseling or money-management courses offered at many colleges. Remember the adage: "Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him to fish and he'll eat for life." Continually bailing out family members is doing them no favor. Take care of your own needs and let them take care of theirs.
DER ABBY: There is a girl at work I really like. She is not only physically attractive, but her interests are also similar to mine.
Recently we had lunch together. I gave her a rose and a card with a short message telling her how terrific she is. She read the card after we had our lunch, and the next day I asked her what she thought of it. She told me she "loved it," and complimented me on my spelling and grammar.
I really like her, but she recently ended a long-time relationship, and I don't want to put her on the spot. How can I find out if she likes me as more than a friend, without hurting our existing friendship? -- IN LOVE ON LONG ISLAND
DEAR IN LOVE: She has already conveyed an important message. Since she commented only on your spelling and grammar -- and not the message in the note you sent her -- she's interested only in a platonic relationship.
DEAR ABBY: I thought maybe your readers would be interested in something I thought of the other day. At one minute and one second after 1 o'clock in the morning on Jan. 1, 2001, the numbers will look like this: 01:01:01, 01/01/01. It won't happen again for 1,000 years! Pretty cool, huh? -- CHRISTY DAY, MOBILE, ALA.
DEAR CHRISTY: Way cool, and a new beginning.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Happy New Year! While enjoying New Year's Eve festivities, please remember: If you drink, don't drive; if you drive, don't drink!
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)