For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Best Education May Be What You Learn After Your Degree
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Supports the Value of Education." I started college right after high school, but gave it up to marry and have children. In my neighborhood in the 1960s, few women went to college at all.
After raising my family, I went back to college and graduated when I was 40. I now have a wonderful career, more satisfying than I ever dreamed. Completing my education was one of the greatest personal accomplishments of my life.
Both my boss and her boss do not have degrees. They are two of the smartest people I know and have a great deal of common sense in business. Nonetheless, my education has made me feel more confident and complete. It did not make me any better than anyone else. We are a team at work and complement each other.
Not all knowledge comes from books, and a degree is a degree -- not a license for a pompous attitude. -- BILLIE IN CINCINNATI
DEAR BILLIE: I am all for education, and no one has ever written to me to say he or she was sorry to have earned a college degree.
Success can be measured in many ways. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Regarding that letter on the value of education, "Supports" missed one extremely important fact. A degree, in and of itself, is not a "guarantee" a person will succeed.
Education is learning. In order to get ahead in this world, what has been learned must be put to productive use. This is true whether you're applying the study and persistence skills you used to make it through college, or whether you're applying that which you have learned.
"Supports" obtained a college degree, but apparently chooses to rely upon having the degree, as opposed to relying upon being able to apply the education. -- DENNIS B., VICTORVILLE, CALIF.
DEAR DENNIS: You're not the only person who had the same reaction to the writer's attitude, which came across as intellectual snobbery. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Supports the Value of Education" wrote that "Several ... upper-level managers ... frequently comment that education is 'overrated.'"
That caused me to recall the words of Rabbi Benzion C. Kaganoff: "Education which is simply intellectual taxidermy -- the scooping out of the mind and the stuffing in of facts -- that kind of education is worthless. The human mind is not a deep-freeze for storage; the human mind is a forge for production." -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, PH.D., MEMPHIS, TENN.
DEAR ARTHUR: This is the first I've heard of the learned Rabbi Kaganoff -- but I think he was on to something.
DEAR ABBY: I am legally separated and have been living with my girlfriend since last February. I want to ask her to marry me. Is it OK to be engaged before my divorce is final? -- IN LOVE AGAIN
DEAR IN LOVE: No. I urge you to wait until the divorce is final to pop the question. Doing so before you are free would make you and your girlfriend the hottest gossip topic in town. Bide your time until you are single.
WOMAN WEIGHS HER OBLIGATIONS TO HER FAMILY AND HER FRIENDS
DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, who is in elementary school, has been nominated to receive a prestigious award. Because of this, she has been featured in the newspaper and is a celebrity of sorts in her town. My daughter wants us to attend the awards ceremony. She mentioned more than six months ago that my granddaughter is up for this award and stands a great chance of winning it.
Unfortunately, a physician with whom I am friendly invited me to his son's wedding on that same date. I told the doctor that I may be attending an award ceremony for my granddaughter on the same day. Here is my dilemma: I credit this doctor with saving my life. I had cancer. He referred me to a specialist who discovered it. Since then, I have become social friends with this man. I do not know his son, but many people from my social circle will be attending this out-of-state wedding, and I want to go.
My daughter is very upset. She can't believe I would choose to attend a "stranger's" wedding over my grandchild's ceremony, which may very well be a once-in-a-lifetime event.
This doctor saved my life and I feel like I owe my life to him. My husband agrees with me, and so do my friends. But my conscience is bothering me, and my daughter is so hurt. She is a sensitive girl, loyal to her family and dependable. I don't want to damage our relationship. What do you advise? I have nine weeks to decide. -- TORN BETWEEN FAMILY AND FRIENDS
DEAR TORN: When the doctor made the referral, he was doing his job. He "saved your life" so you could attend important family events -- like your granddaughter's award ceremony. In this instance, your family should take precedence. Send the bride and groom a lovely gift, along with your regrets. If the doctor is indeed a friend, he will understand why you couldn't be there.
Since the award for which your granddaughter is eligible is "prestigious," being a candidate is an honor in itself. That you sacrificed to see her honored may be more meaningful to her and her parents than whether she actually wins. Listen to your conscience. It's trying to give you an important message.
DEAR READERS: Today we pay tribute to the life of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., a great American and martyr of the civil rights movement, who was shot to death in 1968 at the age of 39.
Dr. King rose to prominence because of his persistence in the face of violent opposition, and his eloquent pleas for social justice. His principles for nonviolence were based on the teachings of Christianity.
In 1964, he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. His words of wisdom are as true today as when they were uttered during his acceptance speech:
"Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time: the need for man to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence.
"Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love."
God bless America. May we as Americans learn from his example.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
EXPECTANT NEW BRIDE'S MOTHER WONDERS HOW TO SPREAD THE NEWS
DEAR ABBY: Last weekend, I flew to see my youngest daughter, "Katharine," who is 23. The point of the visit was to plan her wedding with a young man I'll call "Howard," whom she has known for less than a year. Although I approved of the wedding, I had met Howard only twice and was not overjoyed with Katharine's decision.
On the second night we went out for dinner, and Katharine announced that she and Howard are already married and she is pregnant.
How can I tactfully announce this marriage to our friends and family? -- BAFFLED IN BOSTON
DEAR BAFFLED: Announcing the marriage will be a cinch. Visit your local printer and order some lovely announcements that say something like this: "Mr. and Mrs. So-and-So announce with pleasure the marriage of their daughter, Katharine, to Howard Such-and-Such on ( )." There is no need to mention the baby that's on the way -- save that fact for a separate announcement.
DEAR ABBY: We recently moved to a new house. Within one week, we received a letter from one of our next-door neighbors. In her letter she proceeded to tell us about her last neighborhood, where one couple were "pests," the other couple had a pool (which they hated), and a third lady always wore her bikini in her yard. This woman then went on to tell us that no one in our new neighborhood (which is only four houses) wears bathing suits in their yards, but that everyone wears "decent length" shorts, and that "everyone" is opposed to swimming pools.
We are a young couple with three sons, and we plan to put a pool in next spring. I can't believe the nerve of this woman. I will not allow these neighbors' preferences to influence our decisions. Our yard is almost one acre, and she shouldn't be watching us.
That letter was so upsetting to my husband and me, I think we're just going to ignore it, but what would you do? -- STUNNED IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR STUNNED: I would start making friends with the other neighbors, put in my swimming pool as planned -- and install a safety fence and a tall hedge on the side of my property that adjoins that of the nosy and presumptuous letter writer.
DEAR ABBY: It's amazing how younger people judge those already well into their later years. The following incident happened when I was 91. I'm now 92, and I still go to a local gym three times a week, lifting weights to keep my body in fairly good shape.
One day last year, I noticed a young man of about 30 lifting a bar with weights on the ends. I approached him and asked, "How much are you lifting?"
"Seventy pounds," he replied.
"Mind if I try?"
"Sure," he said, "go ahead."
When I lifted the weights as he did, he asked, "How old are you?"
"I'm 91," I replied.
Staring incredulously, he croaked, "And you're still standing?"
This gives you some idea how we in our later years are stereotyped, and how wrong some people can be. Don't sell us short. Not all of us are over the hill. -- MURRAY SHAW, PHOENIX
DEAR MURRAY: Your lesson is well taken. As any qualified butcher will tell you, prime beef only gets better when it is aged.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)