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Teacher's Hurtful Words Set Bad Example for Class
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of two daughters, one of whom is 9 years old. The other passed away eight years ago just before she turned 3.
My daughter who died had Down syndrome and many other health problems. However, that is not the reason for this letter.
My other daughter is in fourth grade, and at open house for her class, her teacher used a word in her talk to parents that I found deeply offensive. She used it not once, but twice. Demonstrating for the parents a stretching exercise she has the children do midmorning to break the monotony in their routine, she said, "I know this makes me look retarded, but this is the way to stretch." My daughter reports that this teacher uses the word "retarded" often, as if it were an adjective.
I am unsure how to handle this. I don't want whatever I say to be used against my daughter in the classroom, and yet I feel strongly about the poor example this teacher is setting for the children. I considered sending an anonymous letter to her with a copy to the principal of the school, but I would like you to address this subject in your column. If you print this, I just might mail her a copy. –- TWICE A MOTHER IN SOUTH DAYTONA BEACH, FLA.
DEAR MOTHER: It is deplorable that the word "retarded," as a synonym for "dumb" or "stupid," has become common slang (i.e., "That is so retarded!"). It shows a lack of respect for those who are challenged, and the person to whom the remark is directed may have a sibling or relative who is developmentally or mentally disabled.
Rather than anonymously mailing this to the teacher or penning an unsigned letter, I urge you to meet with the teacher and tell her how hurtful her comments were to you and the reasons why. If that doesn't teach her a lesson she'll never forget, nothing will.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Milton" for two years. Actually, we've been together for six years. We have two beautiful daughters, ages 2 and 4. Milton works full time during the day. I work full time at night. We hardly see each other.
I am at a crossroads because I think I am in love with Milton's best friend, "Herb." Herb and I have slept together, and I can't get him out of my mind. He has a girlfriend and two children.
I feel Herb is the person I have waited my whole life to be with. I know what I have done is wrong; however, I ache for him. I am torn between the two men, but I know we can ruin a lot of lives if we pursue this relationship. Therefore, I recently made up my mind to live my life with Milton and my kids.
Abby, please help me to stick with the right decision. –- IRIS IN ILLINOIS
DEAR IRIS: Actually you didn't "wait your whole life" for Herb. You made a sizable emotional investment when you had the children with Milton and married him. I'm pleased you made the mature decision to stick with your husband. It is going to take time to get over this -– but it was the right choice.
Another big step in the right direction will be to avoid Herb and his girlfriend or get them out of your life entirely. Also, you and your husband must get on the same work schedule and get marriage counseling. Marriages die from lack of communication, and unless you act immediately, there won't be much life left in yours. Trust me.
FAVORED SON GETS MOM'S RINGS AND DAUGHTER NOW FEELS HURT
DEAR ABBY: About four years ago, my dad bought my mother a beautiful set of diamond rings to upgrade the set he had given her many years ago when they first married. My mother gave her smaller rings to my brother, who then proposed to his girlfriend and later married her. I thought it was very nice of my mother, and I was happy for my brother.
Last month, my father died. While my brother and I were staying at her house, my mother gave my brother her new set of diamond rings and told him to give them to his wife.
My brother and I have often joked about how he is her favorite child. (For instance, one year my folks gave him a camcorder and I got a dozen pairs of stockings.) There is nothing in our history that would warrant this favoritism. We both were always responsible, hard-working children and adults.
I am extremely hurt and do not know how to get past the pain. Have you any suggestions? –- DESPERATELY NEEDS ADVICE, NEW ORLEANS
DEAR NEEDS ADVICE: Yes. Tell your mother exactly how you feel and why. Allowing this to fester will only make it worse. It does appear that your brother is the favored child -– and it is not a joking matter. The answer you receive may not be to your liking, but it's better than not knowing. In fact, the truth may set you free.
P.S. Under the circumstances, I commend you for having such a good relationship with your brother.
They have already made arrangements to have a big wedding one year from the date of their marriage. I am unsure if I should send a wedding gift now (which would be a check), or wait until the "big" wedding. I would like to do something. What would you suggest?
We sent the couple an engagement gift as soon as we heard the news. I'd really appreciate your input, Abby. –- UNSURE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR UNSURE: Since you have already given the young couple an engagement gift and you are not attending the "small" wedding, wait until you are invited to the "big" celebration before giving them anything more than your heartfelt good wishes.
P.S. Offering to host a baby shower would be a caring and supportive gesture.
DEAR ABBY: You said you thought it wouldn't be easy to top the story about the 50th anniversary reception collection basket. Allow me to try:
We were invited to a couple's home for a party to celebrate their 10th wedding anniversary. When we arrived, there was a prominently displayed money tree. Of course, all the guests ended up covering the branches with "leaves" of money. Several days later, we learned that the happy couple had been in the midst of getting a divorce before the party, but needed extra cash, so they decided "why not?"!
We certainly hope the divorce was a friendly one, because I don't think they have any other friends left after that scam. -– DUMBFOUNDED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DUMBFOUNDED: Your letter is a first. Surely no one can top this one.
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Medic Has Word to the Wise for Teens Who 'Fool Around'
DEAR ABBY: While cleaning out some drawers, I discovered a column of yours I had clipped years ago. I'm now saving it for my great-grandchildren.
Your column has helped lots of people, and perhaps this item can save other teen-agers many heartaches and problems if you print it again. Thanks. –- A GREAT-GRANDMA FROM INDIANA
DEAR GREAT-GRANDMA: You're right. It contains information every teen-ager should know –- so here it is for young people who don't think things through before they do "everything but" or become sexually active:
DEAR ABBY: I weep every time I read a letter from a pregnant teen-ager pleading for help. So few people know that the sex act need not be completed for a female to become pregnant.
I was a medic in the service. When I got married, my ward doctor loaned me a medical book that he'd used in counseling young people. From that book, I learned that when a man becomes excited, a few drops of neutralizing fluid are released to neutralize any uric acid in the male urinary canal. It is nature's way of clearing a safe path for the delicate sperm cells to pass through at termination of the sex act.
Lab tests have shown that occasionally a few sperm cells are present in the fluid. This occurs most frequently in teen-agers, since that is when the male is at the peak of fertility.
Abby, please warn young people that if they plan to go beyond kissing and holding hands, they should take all necessary measures a couple would or should take in preventing pregnancy. "Fooling around a little" can be as dangerous as going all the way.
I am a father and a grandfather who is concerned about our youth, so if this information can help someone, you have my permission to edit it any way you like. –- CONCERNED GRANDFATHER
DEAR GRANDFATHER: Thank you for a lesson in sex education that may save young people from an "accidental" pregnancy they are ill-prepared to handle.
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Puzzled Mother-in-Law," I had to write. She said she and her husband traveled for three days to their son and daughter-in-law's house for Thanksgiving, and then were ignored by the daughter-in-law. She kept to herself, reading books, sewing and staying in her closed bedroom.
I am a man in my 60s, and I think you missed this one, Abby. This behavior happened to me with two of my sons and a couple of friends.
That daughter-in-law and their son are most likely breaking up. Their son invited them, and his wife probably told him, "They're your parents –- you entertain them."
What I'm saying is, the son and daughter-in-law most likely put up a "front" for the occasion. As soon as the holiday was over, they probably went their own way. –- BEEN THERE, SEEN THAT, SUN VALLEY, NEV.
DEAR BEEN THERE: You certainly had a different take on this than I had, and you could be right. If I hear from the mother-in-law and you are correct, I'll print the letter. Thank you for the input.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)