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Mom's Strength, Forgiveness Still Inspire Decades Later
DEAR ABBY: My dear, late father read the old Baltimore News Post newspaper from cover to cover. He would put me on his lap and read the funnies or something special to keep me current and interested in the news. I have read newspapers ever since -- and always your column.
The letter from the woman whose little sister was killed when a young neighbor backed her car out of the driveway brought back many memories.
I believe I knew the family. We were in our early 30s then, with two children of our own. We met the family at church functions. They carried that beautiful child on their shoulders as a trophy -- and beautiful she was.
The parents owned a religious bookstore. When news of the tragic accident spread, everyone who knew them showed up at the church service and funeral. I remember the eulogies. That outpouring of love for this precious family was overwhelming.
After the service, there was a profound silence. Then a strong, beautiful singing voice began to fill the church. The song was, "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." I looked around and realized the voice was coming from the child's mother! People around me wanted to join in, but they couldn't choke back the tears.
I watched in amazement as this mother helped her husband to stand as their children followed. She led the entire church in the procession, never losing her strength or composure. Her voice soared above every other in that huge gathering.
She taught us that God loves us so much he grants supernatural strength when we need it most. Please tell this young woman that her family's example of strength and forgiveness touched my life and many others for more than 24 years. -- LINDA BRESSLER, TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR LINDA: And I'm sure your letter will touch the hearts of others, as it touched mine.
DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and in the fifth grade. I have a problem. I have homework that sometimes I can't do. I try to ask my mom and dad, but they are unable to help. Can you tell me the best place for me and my classmates to get homework help? I need some advice. -- HARD AT WORK IN FLORIDA
DEAR HARD AT WORK: I commend you for wanting help with your homework.
Ask your teacher to find an older student who has a clear understanding of the subjects with which you are having difficulty. Also, some local colleges have students who volunteer to help children who want to get ahead -- like you and your classmates. Perhaps your parents or teacher can contact a college for the names of students willing to help.
DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter in your column about the wearing of wedding rings, may I offer a suggestion?
My late, beautiful wife and I always agreed we would wear our wedding rings until we passed on. However, at times this has caused some embarrassment when people asked about my wife, not knowing she has passed on.
Since I do not want to remove my ring, I asked my jeweler to cut a groove in it and to blacken the groove. Now I wear it as a mourning ring, and it looks quite distinctive. -- JACK ANSPACH, VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.
DEAR JACK: What a loving and respectful idea. I'm sure that many widows and widowers will appreciate your helpful suggestion.
Daughters' Hanging of Posters Causes Dad to Climb the Walls
DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughters like to decorate their room with lots of posters and whatnots. The girls hang them using thumbtacks and constantly rearrange them. As a result, their walls are full of tiny holes. I don't mind their hanging one or two posters, but the number they hang (and move from place to place) is destructive and shows little respect for our home.
My wife disagrees. She is right when she says we can repair the walls when the girls are older, but I feel we are not teaching them discipline by allowing them to be so destructive. My wife is angry that I won't let this go.
Abby, if the girls refuse to respect my decision on the number of posters they can hang in their room, it makes it difficult for me to respect their decisions. Should I just shut up and allow them to hang and move their posters as they please? -- TICKED OFF IN LOUISIANA
DEAR TICKED OFF: Posters are important to young people. These "interior design statements" are part of growing up. It has nothing to do with a lack of respect for you.
Look at it this way: The holes in the wall can be easily repaired when the girls outgrow this phase -- as they will eventually. It's harder to "repair" an overly strict relationship. Loosen up, Dad, and don't sweat the small stuff.
DEAR ABBY: About two years ago, I received a letter from a woman incarcerated in a California state prison. To make a long story short, I ended up sending her stationery, envelopes, stamps and many money orders -- one for more than $600.
She told me she had no family and needed a place to live after she was paroled. Well, I took the bait, hook, line and sinker, and "helped" her for more than 18 months.
I'm 43 years old and thought I had finally found my future mate. Her letters seemed sweet and sincere. I felt sorry for her. She even sent me a document that looked genuine showing her "release date."
All of it was a lie. I'm sick to my stomach, not only because of the amount of money I sent her, but because I was hurt by someone I thought I could trust.
A few months ago I received the same story in a letter from a woman inmate in a Texas prison. Do you think these prisoners are passing my name around? Also, is there any way I can get my money back? -- FEELING USED IN UTAH
DEAR FEELING USED: Write the wardens at both prisons, giving the names of the women who have contacted you. Prison officials should be aware that some inmates are committing still more crimes via the U.S. mail. As for the money you lost, you have learned an expensive lesson; consider it tuition in the school of experience.
DEAR ABBY: Three years ago I had an affair with a handsome, intelligent man who turned out to be too good to be true. I discovered he had fabricated most of the information he gave me about himself, including his marital status and name.
I gave birth to his son out of wedlock. This man supports our child financially, but does not see him. This is his choice, not mine.
Abby, my question is this: Does my precious little boy deserve to go through life as a secret to his father's entire family, or do his grandparents on his father's side deserve to know of their grandchild?
My feeling is that if I were a grandparent in the autumn of my life, I would want to know this child, see him and love him. Please ask your readers to respond. Thank you for any insights. -- PROUD MOM
DEAR PROUD MOM: Instinct tells me I will get strong opinions on both sides of this important question. Readers?
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughters in Law Need Their Own Set of Commandments Too
DEAR ABBY: I read the "Ten Commandments for Mothers-in-Law" in your column. It implies that if the relationship is troubled, the fault is hers. However, relationships are a two-way street.
My son -- a "rescuer" -- married an insecure, controlling young woman. She is threatened by any participation on our part in their lives. Our son seems happy in his marriage, so we are getting on with our own lives without involvement with them or our grandchildren. A tragedy? Yes. One we can fix from our end? No. (Ironically, I scored high on your "Commandments for Mothers-in-Law.")
Adult children also bear a responsibility for making the relationship a success. To all daughters-in-law and sons-in-law who read the "Ten Commandments for Mothers-in-Law" and said, "Amen!" I offer this slightly modified version:
TEN COMMANDMENTS FOR A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
1. Thou shalt love, honor and respect your mother-in-law and father-in-law.
2. Thou shalt allow them complete independence.
3. Thou shalt speak only kindly and loyally about them.
4. Thou shalt not find fault.
5. Thou shalt not visit them too frequently, and never enter their home without knocking.
6. Thou shalt say thank you when they do something nice for you or your children.
7. Thou shalt not give them advice unless requested.
8. Thou shalt not deny them access to their grandchildren as a bargaining chip to get what you want.
9. Thou shalt respect their taste in home decorating, though it differs from your own.
10. Thou shalt petition the Heavenly Father, in whose love they abide, for their happiness.
I would also suggest that daughters-in-law remember that they are providing their children with a blueprint for how they themselves should be treated one day in the future when they become mothers-in-law.
Please print this, Abby. I know I speak for tens of thousands of mothers-in-law who will read this and say, "Amen!" -- DISAPPOINTED MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Touche! I'm with you all the way.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question regarding the proper way to pay someone back when they "pick something up" for you. In many cases when someone says, "I'm going to the store; would you like anything?" they come back from the store and won't accept any money.
We always intend to repay these people for the products they purchase. I've even tried stuffing the money into purses or diaper bags, but they always find it before they leave or just plain won't accept it.
Any suggestions? -- INDEBTED IN ILLINOIS
DEAR INDEBTED: Yes. Take a moment to consider if there is something special you might do for these "angels." Consider knitting something for their baby, embroidering some tea towels or guest towels, or preparing homemade pastries or candy from a family recipe. Because it's something you made yourself, the gift would be doubly meaningful.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)