To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Motorcyclists Are Vulnerable in Ways That Drivers Are Not
DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Worried Mom," who opposed her son buying a motorcycle. You agreed with the father, who thought "Ray" old and responsible enough to make his own decisions.
On May 30, I buried my son, Tommy. He was only 28, but he spent the last eight years of life in a bed or wheelchair -- unable to talk, walk, eat, etc. He wore diapers instead of jeans. A trachea tube protruded from his throat and a feeding tube dangled from his abdomen. The brain injury my precious son incurred when his motorcycle collided with a van left him in a persistent vegetative state.
His friends and family abandoned him; his father and I grew old and exhausted from the daily struggle to preserve his life and protect his dignity. It was a nightmare of suffering and horror -- a walk through hell. Now Tommy is gone; we continue to struggle with pain and loss that will last a lifetime.
Being "mature and responsible" is no protection in the event of an accident. Cyclists are far more vulnerable and at risk of death and injury than occupants of an enclosed vehicle.
Tell "Worried Mom" to trust her feelings and stick to her guns. Her worries are valid. As long as her son lives under her roof, she has every right to veto his choice. I'll spend the rest of my life regretting that I didn't say "no" to my son. (You may print my name.) -- LAURA BURBACK, ST. PAUL, MINN.
DEAR LAURA: I offer my deepest sympathy for the tragedy that befell your son. The responses to that letter have been 90 percent in agreement with your opinion on this issue. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I strongly disagree with your advice to "Ray's" parents to let him get a motorcycle. When my son was 16, he wanted a motorcycle. I was hesitant and mentioned my fears to a doctor at UCLA. He said: "Just send your son to me. I'll take him through the wards and show him all of the boys there with broken backs, broken necks, broken everything. Most of them will never walk again. A motorcycle has no bumpers; it's just out there waiting to be demolished."
My son didn't get a motorcycle and is now in his 40s with his bones and all his faculties intact. -- POLLY FLEMING, LOS ANGELES
DEAR POLLY: At this point, I regret having endorsed the young man's decision. However, the man in the original letter was 22, not 16. In fairness to the "opposition" -- read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was impressed with your advice to the mother of the 22-year-old who wanted a motorcycle. I was also pleased to read your closing line, " ... pray that your son will be one of the thousands of motorcyclists who ride safely." Bravo for you, Abby! While motorcycling can pose greater risks than driving a car, for example, thousands DO ride safely every day. Your reader's son took the first step by enrolling in a motorcycle safety course. By learning to identify your risks, you can also learn to avoid them.
The American Motorcyclist Association (AMA), motorcycling's largest organization and lobbying group, strongly recommends and supports safety training for enthusiasts of all abilities. The Motorcycle Safety Foundation (MSF) provides or sanctions training classes in all 50 states; the (unofficial) motto is "minimize the risk/maximize the fun."
For information on the AMA or locating MSF courses, readers may call 1-800-262-5646. Thank you again for dispensing such thoughtful and open-minded advice. -- ERIK NOTTLESON, AMA LIFE MEMBER, JAMAICA PLAIN, MASS.
DEAR ERIK: I'm printing your letter so that all who are determined to engage in this risky pastime can, at least, prepare themselves as well as possible to avoid injury.
DEAR ABBY: Although your column is often a trouble-dump, may I share some good news? Our son was a troubled teen with behavioral problems. He dropped out of school and hung out with a very rough crowd. We tried everything we could to steer him in the right direction; nothing worked -- until we found Job Corps. We were thrilled to find an alternative to a boot-camp program. After a rocky start, our son is now succeeding. He is learning to be a welder and is close to getting his high school diploma.
The Job Corps is run by the U.S. Department of Labor and provides education and training for qualified youth, ages 16 through 24. Our son lives in a dorm supervised by counselors. He rises at 5:45 a.m. (a huge adjustment!). He has a structured day -- performing chores, attending academic and job-training classes, and afterward playing basketball or seeing a movie.
Abby, please inform other parents and young adults about the Job Corps. It has been a godsend for our son, and for us. -- PROUD PARENTS IN COLORADO
DEAR PROUD PARENTS: Thousands of young men and women have benefited from Job Corps. I urge anyone interested in Job Corps to call 1-800-733-5627 and speak to a counselor.
Students in Job Corps live and learn in a safe environment -- with "zero tolerance" for violence and drugs.
DEAR ABBY: You replied to a funeral director: "The answer lies in being informed consumers, facing the fact of our mortality, and perhaps taking care of the details before the need arises. An important part of that process is being open with one's family about what one's wishes are, and what arrangements have been made."
Well, Abby, I am a realist and have faced the fact of my mortality. I have a will, a durable power of attorney for health-care decisions, and a general power of attorney in case I become mentally impaired.
I have designated my only child, a daughter, to carry out these decisions. When I try to talk to her about my affairs after my death, she says she just can't talk to me about such things. She is very squeamish about the whole subject. She is married to a lawyer, and they don't even have a will. Trying to tell my family my wishes hasn't seemed to work. Do you have another suggestion for me? -- FRESNO, CALIF.
DEAR FRESNO: Yes. Face it, you can't count on your daughter to carry out your wishes. Consider appointing your attorney as your executor, make sure your doctors are aware of your health-care decisions, and find someone else -- a close friend, perhaps -- to name in your power of attorney documents. Your daughter is too emotional to be up to the task you've assigned her.
DEAR ABBY: I was recently trying to decide why my parents and in-laws seemed younger than some of my contemporaries, and then I realized: "You know you're getting older when you spend more time talking about what you did than what you're going to do." -- ROLF BOLSTAD, MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR ROLF: I agree. You're less likely to stumble if you're facing forward, not looking back over your shoulder.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mother Called by Any Other Name Doesn't Sound as Sweet
DEAR ABBY: I was a single mother throughout my only child's early years. I had no financial or moral support from the child's father. Luckily, I had a good job that enabled me to take good care of my daughter. I did not believe in giving my child a stepfather, so I remained single. My daughter had a good religious education, loving home, a dedicated and adoring mother, vacations, the best schools, health care, etc. We enjoyed a wonderful and loving relationship.
However, as soon as my daughter became a teen-ager, she decided to stop calling me "Mother." She insisted on addressing me by my first name because I was her "friend." For years, we have had numerous discussions on that subject -- me explaining my unhappiness, she insisting on using my first name and ignoring my hurt feelings. I never wanted to be referred to as one of her many friends. I wanted to be called "Mother."
At 49 years old and married (no children), she has lived out-of-town for many years and her attitude is cold and distant. Her friends are the center of her life. How do you explain such treatment?
I now have the opportunity to become a foster mother to a child. I would insist that this child call me "Mother." Unfortunately, I fear that my desire to be called "Mother" is based only on the longing to be called that by my own child. Under such circumstances, should I go ahead and bring this young child into my home, maybe making her unhappy and leaving myself vulnerable for another disappointment in life? -- DISAPPOINTED MOTHER IN FLORIDA
DEAR DISAPPOINTED MOTHER: I don't know what happened between you and your daughter, but it seems you and she have very different perspectives on her childhood and the nature of your relationship. Perhaps it's time for you to suggest to her that you both sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation about those perspectives.
Under no circumstances should you take a child into your home for the reasons you have stated. It would be grossly unfair to the child.
DEAR ABBY: I recently overheard a conversation between two young women in their 20s. They were lamenting the fact that they smile too much because of cultural and social conditioning. They seemed to feel they must be "tougher" to succeed in the business world.
Abby, I have had a varied career as a museum manager, an office coordinator for a law firm and a property manager for a 33-story building. I was a competent, intelligent student in school, but by no means at the top of my class. I have a fine arts degree and reasonable computer skills.
A short time ago, I walked out of a new job because I didn't like the way my employer screamed at people. Within three days, I had three job offers. (I hadn't even begun to look for new employment.) The reason? I smile.
When someone walks into my office, I smile and greet the person pleasantly. Whether that someone is my boss, a client, co-worker, vendor or cleaning lady, I smile and am pleasant. I say please, thank you, and apologize for my mistakes. One employer said, "It's easier to train a smiler to use Excel than to teach a computer-literate sourpuss to smile. In the final analysis, it comes down to choosing whom I want to spend my day with." -- SONYA IN SEATTLE
DEAR SONYA: I agree. A smile is definitely an asset not only in the business world, but in social situations as well. The young ladies you overheard have a lot to learn about interpersonal relationships if they think smiles are to be used sparingly. Smiles make people feel good and open many doors.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)