To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom's Memory Lets Smoker Give Swift Kick to the Butts
DEAR ABBY: I quit smoking today. It may not seem like a great accomplishment to most people, but I'm 37 years old and have smoked since I was in seventh grade. Like many others, I tried for years to kick the habit, but I guess I never really had the proper motivation to do it.
I was looking at some photographs I took while my family was home last Christmas, and came to the last picture I ever took of my mother. We lost her just after New Year's. It was something none of us in the family ever expected. She had a massive heart attack.
Burying my mother was the toughest thing I have ever done. I don't want my kids to see me in a casket before I reach retirement age. Mother had very high blood pressure, for which she had been treated. We thought she was doing pretty well. Her treatment included quitting smoking a year ago. Unfortunately for her, she quit too late.
Please remind your readers that cancer isn't the only possible result of smoking. Smoking can also lead to high blood pressure that leads to heart trouble. -- SMOKE-FREE IN INDIANA
DEAR SMOKE-FREE: I offer my sympathy for the untimely loss of your mother. It's sad to say, but sometimes it takes the death of someone near and dear to convince us that we're not immortal. I commend you for your decision to finally quit smoking. If someone is looking for a reason to quit, your letter may provide an incentive.
DEAR ABBY: A fifth couple in our circle of friends recently ended their marriage. When I asked the husbands what happened, each said much the same thing: "When we were first married, I was the most important person in my wife's life. With each child, my place was shifted farther and farther back until I felt totally forgotten."
These husbands told me that "neglect" made them vulnerable to someone who did show them some attention. You know the rest.
When I asked the wives what happened, they said they didn't know -- but guessed that they "just drifted apart and their interests changed." None of them knew how their husbands felt.
I have also heard women say that their affair was the result of not feeling important at home. If only both spouses knew how important a little TLC is to his or her partner, there might be more lasting marriages. Abby, please warn your readers not to take their spouses for granted. Their partners should never feel they are at the bottom of the priority list. -- HAPPILY MARRIED HUSBAND
DEAR HAPPILY MARRIED: While doing your research, you picked up valuable information about the demise of many marriages: When children arrive, it's a given that life becomes busy and complicated. However, couples must make finding time for each other a priority. Both spouses need to remember that one day "the kids" will fly the nest, and for a marriage to survive, it must be infused with the necessary nutrients -- love, attention and respect, to name a few.
Gifts for Teachers Should Be Tokens of Students' Affection
DEAR ABBY: Recently your column dealt with suggestions from readers about the best kinds of gifts to give classroom teachers. Unfortunately, one of the responses ("Avid Reader, Winter Haven, Fla.") contained inaccurate information about the policy in our local school district.
The Polk County School Board has never prohibited students from giving gifts to teachers. Whether the gift is an apple, a restaurant gift certificate, a handmade craft, a stack of school supplies or a bottle of perfume, I think we all recognize that the true gift is the love exchanged between teacher and child. These gifts are merely tokens of affection for the teacher, and our teachers accept them gracefully and appreciatively, regardless of their monetary value.
The only restriction in our policy prohibits employees from accepting gifts from vendors and suppliers. Thank you for helping us correct this inaccuracy. -- FRANCES MC MICHAEL, COMMUNITY RELATIONS DIRECTOR, SCHOOL BOARD OF POLK COUNTY, FLA.
DEAR FRANCES: You're welcome. However, I must confess that when I printed the letter from "Avid Reader," I thought the policy described in the letter was sound, sensitive and well-thought-out -- not to mention a relief to poor families who are unable to compete in the area of gift-giving.
Teachers deserve to receive respect all year long for the hard work they do. They also deserve thanks for a job well done and to be paid salaries they can live on so they may provide for their families and their retirement. However, I'm not sure that student gift-giving is appropriate, since not all of them can comfortably do so.
DEAR ABBY: I know that you are an animal lover, and that each year you warn your readers not to leave their pets locked in enclosed vehicles because they can quickly die from heat stroke. But this year would you also add this important message?
Dehydration is a slow, painful death. Outdoor animals need open, fresh water constantly available in order to avoid dehydration. (In the winter when water often freezes, we also carry warm water to all of our outside livestock three times a day.) This includes: dogs, cats, rabbits, geese, goats, horses and cattle.
Please, Abby, don't ask -- TELL your readers to get out there and water their pets, or to find them a better home. -- SUNNY IN SPRINGFIELD, MASS.
DEAR SUNNY: I agree -- your letter contains an important message to pet owners. I hope they read it and heed it.
DEAR ABBY: I recently found out that my husband of two years met a girl on a bus trip. He had been e-mailing her for almost two months.
I confronted him, and he promised me that he loved me and wanted only me. He swore that nothing had happened between them. However, in the e-mails that he had sent her, he told her about a fight we had -- and he said things that could be interpreted to mean he wanted to have an affair with her.
She lives in Oregon not far from where we live. Should I be worried, or should I take his word for it and let it go? He promised he wouldn't e-mail her anymore or have any contact with her. -- HURT IN EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR HURT: If I were you, I'd keep a sharp eye on him. Talk is cheap. Divorces are expensive -- and not just monetarily.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I read your column every day and appreciate the forum you provide for people to reach a large audience in an objective and effective way. I witnessed something the other day that could cause financial harm, and I feel your readers should be warned to be more careful.
My family had lunch in a busy fast-food restaurant. Seated at a table next to us was a gentleman conducting business over his cell phone. Since the restaurant was busy and loud, he raised his voice to be heard on the phone. Abby, he gave his credit card number, the expiration date, the name on the credit card and which credit card he was using! Anyone could have written that information down and used it for his or her own purposes.
Please warn your readers to be careful about giving out private information where it can be overheard. -- CONCERNED IN ANAHEIM
DEAR CONCERNED: Consider them warned. A lapse of judgment like that can wreak havoc on one's financial history. Readers, beware -- you never know who might be listening.
DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with a man since last November. I have opened up every aspect of my life and my home to him. Because of his work, he travels quite a bit, and while he is gone, he doesn't stay in contact. As long as he is "working" out of town, he won't call. When he returns, he calls to let me know. Sometimes days -- or even weeks -- have gone by without any word from him.
I'm at the end of my rope. I have tried explaining to him on several occasions how this makes me feel; nothing has helped. My friends tell me to lose him, but I really love the guy. Short of exploding on him the next time he calls, what should I do? -- SLEEPLESS IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR SLEEPLESS: Exploding won't help. Distancing yourself might.
He knows how you feel about his disappearing act. By not calling, he is giving you an unmistakable message: out of sight, out of mind. Although you have "opened up every aspect of your life and home" to him, he has not reciprocated.
Your friends may be on to something. Lose this loser. He will never make you happy.
DEAR ABBY: I could not agree more with your advice to "Had It in Houston" regarding the unruly neighbor child. The girl's neglectful parents would send her over "uninvited and unwanted" whenever they saw the family outdoors together.
I encountered a similar situation. This is how I handled it. I told the child, "Honey, your face is dirty -- let me wash it," or, "Honey, we don't speak to one another like that, we say this ..." or, "Sweetheart, if you cannot obey the rules here, you will have to go home now. I'm sorry." Or, "It's time for you to go home now. We'll see you tomorrow."
Abby, "Houston" must realize that this is a child, not an adult guest. Different rules apply. Also, what goes in their ears comes out of their mouths -- so use your firm, kind, gentle voice. -- EVERYBODY'S MOM, EL CAJON, CALIF.
DEAR MOM: You're a generous and caring woman. Having read your letter, I can only conclude that "everybody" is lucky to have an adult like you in their lives.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)