Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife Who Fears Living a Lie Looks to Other Woman for Truth
DEAR ABBY: I returned unexpectedly from work to find my husband and my best friend in an intimate embrace. Later my husband confirmed that he had kissed her. I have not heard from my friend since this occurred a week ago.
My question is this: Do you think I should confront her about this? My husband swears it was a one-time thing, and I guess I believe him. My friend and my husband were also friends. Over the years, I have watched them grow quite close, even to the point that I was uncomfortable with their affection.
I guess I should have been more observant, but like most women married more than 10 years, I trusted my husband completely. What a fool I was! This "one kiss" has shattered my self-confidence and damaged my marriage, not to mention that I have lost a friendship that spanned my entire married life.
I want to believe my husband, but I also want to know if I am living a lie or if this marriage is worth saving. She may be the answer. What should I do? -- BETRAYED AND FRIENDLESS, NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR BETRAYED: By all means have a heart-to-heart chat with your former best friend. It might be helpful to hear what she has to say. Keep in mind, however, that if she's in love with your husband, she could try to use the conversation to sabotage your marriage.
Whether or not your marriage is worth saving can best be determined through counseling with your husband. It will take effort on the part of both of you, but other marriages have weathered this kind of storm and have emerged stronger than ever.
DEAR ABBY: May I add my experience to the letter from "Disgusted in Indiana," who believes that it's sacrilegious to list pets in obituaries as survivors of a loved one? I couldn't disagree more. I find it obscene to have to include someone who didn't live up to the part.
My husband and I were married more than 30 years. He was very good to his mother. She didn't return the favor. She mostly took from him. I watched her divorce herself from anything distasteful. My husband was diagnosed with cancer, and although he fought it with all his might, there came the terrible time when the doctor told me he would not survive. I had to tell my mother-in-law, who quite matter-of-factly told me she didn't want to see him but wished to remember him "the way he was." She never saw or talked to him again.
I brought him home so he could pass away there. Our pets never turned away from him, but gave him great joy. His mother could have done the same, but didn't. I wanted his obituary to include those he loved and those who loved him back. It never occurred to me not to include our pets. I felt obligated to include his mother strictly because she was his mother, not because she deserved to be included. -- MOURNING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR MOURNING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved husband. That he could not have the comfort of his mother's presence and support as he lay dying was a tragedy for both of them.
Please try to forgive her. While I understand your anger and disgust at the woman, she deserves your sympathy. She's a woman who's unable to cope with the realities of life, and apparently her fear of death is so profound that she preferred living in a fantasy to seeing her child through to the end.
Vet Seeks Bigger Audience for Little Known Part of War
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter regarding Ralph George and his veterans' speaking program. I hope vets all over the country are doing this. I have -- on my own -- spoken to classes at both elementary and college levels. I have also spoken to service clubs.
I served in an area referred to as "the forgotten theater." The China-Burma-India theater is not even mentioned in many history books. When there is a program on World War II, it is usually devoted to Europe or the Pacific. The CBI (as we call it) was a hostile, unforgiving area, with high mountains, dense jungle, rampant disease (more men fell to disease than to enemy action), foul weather, and rain for half the year (200 to 300 inches). Furthermore, many of the mountain tribes were headhunters.
Many Americans are not aware that we were fighting in China and Burma almost a year before Pearl Harbor and for six months after Japan surrendered. The U.S. government is not even sure how many Americans served in the CBI -- figures range from 200,000 to 750,000. However, most settle for 250,000 personnel. A friend who served in Europe told me that the CBI was used as a threat: "You foul up one time and you'll find yourself in the CBI!"
It's important for Americans to know we were there. Find a CBI veteran in your area and have him speak to your group. A friend of mine doesn't discuss it because he fears no one would believe him. -- BOB FAGELSON, NATIONAL HISTORIAN, CBI VETERANS ASSOCIATION
DEAR BOB: Since I printed that letter, I have heard from readers from both the United States and Canada, describing similar programs involving veterans groups. While I think that veterans sharing their personal experiences in the classroom is a terrific way to bring a chapter in our history to life, not all readers viewed it in the same way. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from Ralph George about talking to children in classrooms was lacking in a very important point. He gave the impression that war is not so bad. Abby, the job of our armed forces in war is to kill people and destroy property. It's a terrible purpose. The talks should not ignore these realities.
Permit me to quote from a speech Franklin D. Roosevelt gave on Aug. 24, 1936: "I have seen war on land and sea. I have seen blood running from the wounded. I have seen the dead in the mud. I have seen cities destroyed. I have seen children starving. I have seen the agony of mothers and wives. I HATE WAR!" -- STANTON SCHUMAN, ATTORNEY-AT-LAW, GLENCOE, ILL.
DEAR STANTON: I agree that war is a tragedy and its realities should not be glossed over, but neither should they be belabored. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The veterans in the classroom program will not work. Most vets cannot tell you about their experiences because that would make them relive them. My brother was a four-time Vietnam vet, and he could not tell anyone what he did. Thank God he is dead and doesn't have to relive that part of his life over and over.
You should never ask vets to talk about major battles they have been in. What they saw was too horrible. I will never reveal some things he told me. They were unspeakable. -- A VETERAN'S SISTER
DEAR SISTER: I respectfully disagree. When a trauma is locked inside, it cannot heal; it grows and festers until sometimes it takes over the person's life. Talking with professionals and others who have experienced the same horror is often therapeutic. Such programs are ongoing at VA medical centers -- as well they should be. Until a person starts talking, he cannot start healing.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Little League Dad Cries Foul for Comment From the Stands
DEAR ABBY: I recently took my father to my 11-year-old son's Little League game. While my son's team was at bat, a ball was hit up the first base line. The first baseman made a gallant attempt to catch the ball, but missed and it went into the outfield.
The right fielder stopped the runner at second base, and my father shouted to the first baseman, "You should have made that play!"
Concerned that he would hurt the boy's feelings, I told Dad he shouldn't shout at the boy. My father then became angry with me and said the boy needs to know that he "screwed up" so he would "learn from his mistakes."
My father's loud lecture embarrassed me. I told him after he calmed down that I would be sitting in the bleachers. A few minutes later, I looked for him and saw that he was walking home. I had driven him to the game. We have not spoken since.
I feel it is the coach's responsibility to instruct the players. Parents who attend should be supportive, not negative. Was I wrong to defend the boy and "insult" my father? -- FRUSTRATED LITTLE LEAGUE DAD
DEAR FRUSTRATED: The job of parents and grandparents at children's sporting events is to cheer them on. Your father's remarks were not helpful. They were hurtful to the first baseman's self-esteem. The boy couldn't help but know that he goofed.
Call your father and point out to him that he didn't like being corrected in public -- he got angry and walked home -- so why would he think a young first baseman would appreciate being yelled at by a stranger? Perhaps that will help him view his actions in a different light. If it doesn't, buy him some peanuts and Cracker Jack -- and leave him home.
DEAR ABBY: It's rare nowadays to find nice people willing to help a complete stranger. That's why I want to share this with you:
I live in Cheyenne, Wyo. I was seven months pregnant and was driving alone to Thermopolis, five hours away.
Three hours into my trip, I found myself in a major snowstorm. I couldn't go on and I couldn't turn back, so I left the interstate the first chance I got. The nearest town had only one gas station, one motel and two restaurants. Neither of the restaurants accepted credit cards, and all the rooms at the motel were already booked. I waited with other stranded motorists for the weather to clear. Unfortunately, it just got worse. The highway patrol eventually closed all the roads.
A wonderful couple checked into their room and invited me to share it with them. Then they bought me dinner. They refused to accept anything from me except my profuse thanks.
I never expected to meet people willing to put themselves out for someone they didn't even know. In this age of distrust, it's reassuring to know that there are still wonderful people out there. -- VALERIE GIBSON
DEAR VALERIE: Thank you for sharing your experience. As more and more people have written to me relating random acts of kindness, it is clearly apparent that generosity of spirit is alive and well in our country.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)