To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Don't Hesitate to Reach Out to Friend Who Needs Help
DEAR ABBY: The letter about depression and suicide prompts my own letter. Only one in five people who suffer from a mental illness seek help. As some of those with a history of mental illness stated in their letters, reaching out for help is often a task that seems insurmountable. And broaching the subject with a loved one can be difficult for many reasons. Fear of being told to "mind your own business" can be a big impediment to friends and families who would like to extend a helping hand.
However, if you are truly concerned about a friend or loved one, the most compassionate action is to express that concern.
How to intervene:
(1) Clearly outline for yourself the reasons you feel the person needs help. Make sure they are for the person's benefit -- and not for your own selfish reasons.
(2) Create a special time to express your desire to help your friend or loved one by saying you would like to set aside some time to talk about "something important" and asking, "When would be a good time?" Be sure it's in an emotionally safe environment where you won't be overheard or interrupted. Then communicate how important he or she is to you and the reasons you feel there could be a benefit from counseling. (DON'T say what your friend or loved one is doing is "wrong.")
(3) Be direct, honest and compassionate. Practice stating your reasons in a positive, non-blaming way.
Abby, let's make it commonplace to reach out to others and say, "How are things really going for you? I'm not just asking to make conversation ... I'd really like to know because I care about you." -- DR. KEVIN GROLD, DEL MAR, CALIF.
DEAR DR. GROLD: Your helpful letter illustrates the importance of forethought in trying to achieve ANY kind of intervention -- be it for alcohol, drugs, depression or other mental health problems. While the majority of people may be reluctant to attempt this, some will want to -- and your letter provides valuable tools for them.
DEAR ABBY: How do I tactfully explain to my stepdaughter (my husband's child from his first marriage) that I do not wish to be a baby sitter to her three little girls (my three grandkids)? I have never been around children, never baby-sat any kids, and always feel uncomfortable around them. I never had the desire for children of my own, and the thought of baby-sitting three little girls overwhelms me.
My husband's daughter and I became acquainted only a year ago. She was never part of our life during her growing years, until last year after she got married. She is now 26 and will be moving to our town in a few months. What's the best way to explain my feelings without making her feel rejected, which is probably what she felt all her growing years. Help! -- NEW MOM AND GRANDMA IN WASHINGTON
DEAR N.M. AND G.: The best way to approach it is to broach the subject well in advance of being asked to baby-sit. Tell your husband's daughter exactly what you told me -- that you have zero experience with small children and weak maternal instinct. Therefore, she should not count on you as a baby sitter. A supportive friend and ally -- yes. A baby sitter -- no. Say it with a smile. A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down.
Visit by Ex Mistress Would Cause Man's Family Distress
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to pose a question. A man is dying. If I went to visit him, he would be delighted to see me. Even though I haven't seen him in years, it would bring back happy memories for him. Neither his wife nor his children know that I exist.
After much soul-searching, I have decided that I won't go. I came to the conclusion that a visit would be disruptive and cause the family pain and suffering, as well as warping their memories of a wonderful man. But as I pondered this question, I wondered how many wives might accept such a visit, knowing that it would provide some solace to a man whom they both love. -- THE MISTRESS
DEAR MISTRESS: Probably not many. If the family resided in Europe, where mistresses are more common, such a visit might be welcomed. However, in the United States, we have a more disapproving attitude about extramarital relationships, and wives of dying husbands are not likely to appreciate a visit from a secret "admirer." Better to let lying dogs sleep.
DEAR ABBY: I recently lost a friend to complications of testicular cancer. As a health-care worker and his grieving friend, I find it frustrating that there isn't more education and information available about this disease.
An entire month is dedicated to breast cancer -- which I think is wonderful -- but teaching young men about self-exams for testicular cancer is just as important.
Testicular cancer primarily affects males between the ages of 15 and 40. Symptoms are often chalked up to hormones or "growth changes" until it has spread to other parts of the body.
Testicular exams are simple to perform and take only a few minutes once a month. The best time to do them is after a warm bath or shower. Roll each testicle gently between the thumb and fingers of both hands. If you find ANY hard lumps or nodules, see your doctor promptly! With early detection and treatment, the chances of a complete recovery are excellent. -- CONCERNED IN EUGENE, ORE.
DEAR CONCERNED: I offer my sympathy for the loss of your friend. Men's health is certainly as important as women's, and I'm certain many of my male readers will thank you for taking the time to explain the examination and warning signs of testicular cancer. Men should also have periodic prostate and breast examinations.
The American Cancer Society is an excellent resource for cancer education, information and locations that offer emotional support.
DEAR ABBY: My sister "Fay" is 20 years older than me, and we were once very close. She was like my second mom. My husband, "Jerry," has been successful in business. Over the past few years we have been able to buy a beautiful new home and cars. My sister, on the other hand, has to struggle to pay her monthly bills.
Jerry is our family's main source of income, and I am not comfortable asking him to lend or give money to my sister.
Fay is resentful that we're doing better than she is. She picks fights, insults us and criticizes everything we own, including our family dog. I take her out to dinner and nice places, but she even resents that.
I miss the relationship Fay and I once had. How can I mend the fences so things can be like they used to be? -- PERPLEXED IN PEORIA
DEAR PERPLEXED: You'll be happier if you stop trying to cling to the past and accept the fact that sometimes people and relationships change. The problem is not yours -- it's your sister's. You can't buy her love or "make" her let go of her jealousy. Only she can do that.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Commonsense Tips Guarantee Family Fun in the Mountains
DEAR ABBY: Summer is here. Many people are planning vacations in the Rocky Mountain West. On behalf of emergency response personnel, I offer the following tips when visiting Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, the Dakotas, Idaho and Utah:
1. Dress in layers and always have a medium-weight jacket. In elevations over 5,000 feet, it can snow during the summer, and nights can drop into the 30s.
2. Drink lots of water. Not sodas, coffee, etc. This will prevent dehydration.
3. Summer winds can reach 75 miles an hour. If you see trucks pulled over to the side of the road because of the wind, consider stopping yourself.
4. Be respectful of summer thunderstorms. Several people are killed each year by lightning. If you plan on hiking, leave early in the morning and be off the mountain after lunch. If you get caught in a storm, seek shelter immediately.
5. Children should carry a simple emergency kit in a fanny pack. It should include a snack, garbage bag (with a hole cut in the bottom) that can be used for shelter and warmth, a small bottle of water and a whistle. If they become separated from the group, instruct them to hug a tree and blow the whistle.
6. Use the "slip, slap, slop" technique for sun protection. Slip on a shirt, slap on a hat and slop on the sunscreen.
7. Never approach or feed any wildlife. They are not pets!
Use common sense. Follow these tips, and you should have a great vacation experience in the Rocky Mountain West! -- A WESTERNER
DEAR WESTERNER: Thank you on behalf of all my readers who plan to visit some of the world's most majestic scenery. It's important to be reminded that Mother Nature can turn treacherous if you are not prepared.
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to say something about computer-answered telephones.
Everywhere you call, you get a recording saying, "Punch one for this, punch two for that ..." and most of the numbers they tell you to punch have nothing to do with what you called about.
Grocery stores, utility offices, the telephone company, banks and Lord knows how many more businesses have machines to answer their phones. I wouldn't be surprised to hear a recording should I call for an ambulance or the police. It seems that every business in the world now uses recorded answering services.
I would like to know how many people would prefer that every business return to having live telephone operators or receptionists. I also think that everyone who becomes irritated by those recorded-menu answering machines and all those numbers to push should write to their governor, the president, congressional representatives or SOMEBODY to complain. -- TIRED OF PUSHING NUMBERS IN MARYSVILLE, TENN.
DEAR TIRED: Not a week goes by that I don't receive one or more letters with the same complaint. I have been known to ask my assistant to make calls for me because I get so frustrated with pushing "one for this" and "two for that." Although I understand why businesses have resorted to this impersonal answering method, the "personal" touch is far more conducive to a pleasant business experience.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)