What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
These Guidelines Will Help if You're Stopped by Police
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to respond to the recent letter from the woman with three college-age children, all of whom drive. She said she was concerned about their responses should they get pulled over by police.
As a police officer for 15 years, I recommend the following guidelines for anyone who is pulled over by the police:
(1) Shut off the engine and remain inside your car unless the officer requests that you exit.
(2) Have your license, registration and insurance card in a convenient location so they are easily accessible. Fumbling around inside your car for "lost or missing" paperwork should be kept to a minimum.
(3) Keep your hands on the steering wheel and avoid making moves that could be interpreted as sudden or threatening.
(4) In the event other passengers are riding with you, ask them to refrain from making comments.
(5) If the stop is at night and it's possible, pull over in a well-lighted area. Remember, we are humans, and we get nervous, too!
(6) Turn on the interior light and keep it on in order for the officer to see inside your car. It shows that you are concerned for your safety as well as ours.
(7) Do not argue with the officer. If you are treated unfairly, get the officer's name and badge number. You can follow up by notifying the officer's superior and filing a complaint against him or her. -- SGT. GISELLE DOSZPOJ, BRIDGEPORT, CONN.
DEAR SGT. DOSZPOJ: Thank you for your sensible suggestions, which are far more inclusive than mine. You are not the only law enforcement person who responded to that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As a retired police officer, I assure you that you were right on the money when reminding readers of the danger of law enforcement. There are not many jobs in America where one goes to work every day mentally exercising his or her action if confronted with an armed individual during the shift. Police live with this possibility and repress any fear in order to concentrate on the task at hand. I don't recommend a shift filled with paranoia any more than I recommend complacency.
Nationally, the year 1974 holds the record for the most officer deaths, at 230. The annual average in the 1970s was 222 deaths, the 1980s about 187 deaths and the 1990s at 153 deaths per year. A fair estimate of the intentional murder of officers is about 55 percent of the figures you see above. A large percentage of them occurred on America's roadways. There is no acceptable number of police fatalities, as there is none for civilian fatalities. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN TENNESSEE
DEAR BEEN THERE: I have tremendous respect for those who put on their uniforms every day, kiss their husbands or wives and children goodbye, and live with the reality that it could be for the last time. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: While I agree that law enforcement is a thankless and often hazardous occupation, the fact remains that police officers are professionals and should be held to professional standards of behavior. All citizens, including the young, have a right to expect courteous and professional treatment from the police -- and it certainly is unprofessional for a police officer to "yell at and ridicule" a teen-age girl for trembling in his presence.
We should never simply accept such conduct as the way things are. It is up to us to demand higher standards, better training and higher salaries for our police officers, and to report discourteous officers to the appropriate authorities. It is an uphill battle, but one worth fighting if we want to remain in a free society. -- M.B., TRAVELERS REST, S.C.
DEAR M.B.: I agree wholeheartedly.
Indolent Neighbors Cast Pall on Busy Family's Summer Fun
DEAR ABBY: I am having problems with our neighbors and their child.
My husband and I are energetic, outgoing and like to get things done -- yard work, gardening, etc. These neighbors are the exact opposite. They hold down the couch most weekends and are proud to boast how lazy they are.
If they see we are out playing with our children, they send their child over uninvited and unwanted. I've never disliked a child before in my life, but she is rude, disrespectful, has no manners, and quite honestly, is not the kind of kid I want my children playing with.
I know that she has no parental supervision, so I can't help but feel sorry for her -- but I don't want her at my house.
I don't know what to say to the parents because I don't want to start a "hate thy neighbor" relationship. My husband is able to tolerate it to keep the peace, but with summer coming, I know it will only get worse.
Last summer, the parents and the kid would come over and stay past midnight. They never took the hint to go home! I don't want to get into last year's routine, and I'm tired of keeping my kids quiet and not answering the phone. What should I do? -- "HAD IT" IN HOUSTON
DEAR "HAD IT": The child is saddled with poor role models and desperately needs a friend. Make it clear to her that while she's a guest in your home, there are rules; then explain what they are. If she disobeys, send her home.
Do not tolerate the adults coming over uninvited even if you have to be blunt.
DEAR ABBY: In 1996, I purchased the most wonderful dress for my daughter's wedding. It was originally priced at more than $400, but I bought it on sale. I looked great in it. My sister called it the perfect mother-of-the-bride dress.
My son and his fiancee are planning their wedding for early next year. I'm now retired and couldn't possibly afford a dress to equal this one. His fiancee and one or two of his friends have seen the dress, but no one in her family has seen it.
Would it be the world's greatest faux pas for me to wear this dress for my son's wedding? -- MOTHER OF THE GROOM THIS TIME
DEAR MOTHER: No, it would not be a breach of etiquette. There is no reason why you shouldn't wear a dress that's been worn on only one other special occasion. It would be a shame for such a perfect dress to go to waste. You looked lovely in it once, so wear it to your son's wedding and look lovely in it twice.
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, Dennis J. Eichelbaum wrote that his grandmother, Elizabeth Eichelbaum, is receiving her Ph.D. in art therapy from the University of Tennessee -- and she is 90 years old!
How remarkable! I started looking further and found an incredible list of people from all walks of life who never stopped creating, giving and thinking.
Goethe was past 80 when he completed "Faust"; Judge Learned Hand had served a record 52 years on the federal bench when he died in 1961 at age 89; Amos Alonzo Stagg was still coaching football when he was 100 years old! Not to mention Winston Churchill, Pablo Picasso, Albert Einstein, Vladimir Horowitz, Frank Lloyd Wright, and on and on and on. -- ARTHUR H. PRINCE, LOYAL READER FROM MEMPHIS, TENN.
DEAR ARTHUR: Let's not forget Georgia O'Keefe, George Burns, George Abbott, and a lot of others NOT named George!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Foster Grandparents' Menu Is Causing a Family Stew
DEAR ABBY: We have been invited to my foster parents' home for a celebration that includes a meal of venison. My wife and young children do not like that kind of food. The host asked for help with the veggies and desserts. We obliged, and told him that we would also bring pizza for the kids, who are 2, 6 and 9 years old. (They know from past experience that the kids won't eat venison.)
My foster parents objected to this -- they feel that everyone should eat what's put in front of them. Most of their meals are what one would call "eccentric." It will be mealtime when we arrive, and we don't want to starve the kids. Are we out of line, or should they be more accommodating to the palates of their guests? -- PARENT IN LOWELL, MASS.
DEAR PARENT: You are not out of line; you are realistic. Your foster parents are the ones with the problem -– their rigidity.
That old philosophy that children should eat what's put in front of them regardless of whether it's palatable went out of fashion decades ago. It is now understood that children are PEOPLE with individual tastes, and food should not be forced upon them. If your foster parents can't grasp the concept, feed the kids before you go to their house. And keep family dinners at their place to a minimum until your children are old enough to appreciate their "eccentric" taste in food.
P.S. You wife is old enough to deal with this in her own way.
DEAR ABBY: I discovered this list on the last page of the 1999 Old Farmer's Almanac. I hope you think it is worth printing.
I was surprised that the "Golden Rule" is found in every faith. -– DOING MY BEST IN BLOOMINGTON
DEAR DOING: I, too, was surprised. Finally! There is something upon which we all agree. Read on:
BRAHMANISM: This is the sum of duty: Do naught unto others which would cause you pain if done to you. (Mahabharata 5:1517)
BUDDHISM: Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful. (Udana-Varga 5:18)
CONFUCIANISM: Surely it is the maxim of loving-kindness: Do not do unto others what you would not have them do unto you. (Analects 15:23)
TAOISM: Regard your neighbor's gain as your own gain and your neighbor's loss as your own loss. (T'ai Shang Kan Ying P'ien)
ZOROASTRIANISM: That nature alone is good which refrains from doing unto another whatsoever is not good for itself. (Dadistan-I-dinik 94:5)
JUDAISM: What is hateful to you, do not to your fellowman. That is the entire law; all the rest is commentary. (Talmud, Shabbat 31a)
CHRISTIANITY: All things whatsoever ye would that man should do to you, do ye even so to them; for this is the law and the prophets. (Matthew 7:12)
ISLAM: No one of you is a believer until he desires for his brother that which he desires for himself. (Sunnah)
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)