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Decision Not to Wear Bra Is More Function Than Fashion
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the teen-age girl who is being called a lesbian because she finds wearing a bra uncomfortable -- at age 66 I have grown weary of people whose only exercise is jumping to conclusions!
I do not wear a bra because the straps hurt my pacemaker site. (My "alien implant.")
I wear clothing with double chest pockets, or T-shirts with wonderful, happy designs so my braless state is not obvious. At my age, if I did wear a bra it would be a 34-long! -- GLENNA MAHON, CONCORD, VA.
DEAR GLENNA: I agree; there may be mitigating circumstances for going braless. Your letter reminds me of this old joke: "When is a brassiere like the Salvation Army?" Answer: "When it uplifts the downfallen."
DEAR ABBY: A close friend died unexpectedly. It was a shock to all of us who loved her. Attending the funeral helped me to say goodbye and eased the grief. The service was so beautiful that I commented later to my husband how I wished I could have videotaped it in order to remember the wonderful closure it gave me. He said he, too, would have liked a videotape, but that people would have thought it "tacky" if we showed up with a video camera.
My husband is 66 and I am 31. We know the odds are that he will die before me, and would like this question answered before that happens. Abby, is it awful to want a record of saying goodbye to a dearly loved human being in this manner? -- GRIEVING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GRIEVING: Some churches provide audiotapes of funerals. If the family would like a video of the eulogy portion of the service, to record the tributes for later viewing or to share with those who could not attend, I see nothing wrong with it. However, some attendees might prefer that their grief not be recorded for posterity, and their wishes should be respected.
If the family makes the arrangements, I'm all for it. But for someone to simply show up with a video camera would be intrusive and insensitive.
P.S. Since none of us has a contract with God, there is a chance that you could predecease your husband. How would you feel about your funeral being videotaped?
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to Jim Isbell's letter about his experience with the Vietnamese man who was working in a restaurant on Mother's Day. Vietnam DOES have a Mother's Day. It takes place on the 15th day of July on the Vietnamese calendar, and is called Vu Lan.
On Vu Lan day we go to the temple and pray for our mothers to live long lives. If our mother is still alive, we wear a red rose. When people wear a white rose, it means their mother has died but they are at the temple to remember her.
Most Vietnamese Buddhist temples have a tradition of wearing roses on Vu Lan day. If you go to a temple on this day without wearing a rose, people in the temple will ask you about your mother and will pin a red or white rose on you. -- D.N.K., ROSEMEAD, CALIF.
DEAR D.N.K.: What a lovely tradition. I'm struck by the fact that we have a similar one in our culture. A red carnation is worn on Mother's Day to signify that one's mother is living; a white carnation signifies that one's mother is deceased.
Woman's Death Consumes Her Friend Who Didn't Say Enough
DEAR ABBY: In October of 1998, my best friend died of cancer. She was only 27, and had a long, hard, three-year battle with the disease that eventually made it impossible for her to talk and left her in constant pain until the day she died. She fought hard. She wanted to live for the sake of her two children.
She was the friend I had searched for all my life. We shared everything.
As she was nearing the end, she would ask me, "Am I dying?" And I would reply that she was not. For reasons I will never understand, her mother, husband and physician had decided it was better not to tell her she was going to die soon. The cancer had spread to her liver, and she was well aware that she would die in the absence of a miracle. There was so much she could have done to prepare, and she could have said goodbye to her children.
I am still consumed with guilt for having concealed the truth from my friend. I am nervous all the time and have trouble concentrating and sleeping. I keep repeating in my mind all of the feelings I could have shared with my friend.
I try to occupy my mind -- I work, read, write a journal of the thoughts I would have liked to share with her and try to enjoy life. But the depression overwhelms me. I am not sure if I need therapy or medication so I can stop feeling so anxious and can sleep through the night.
I feel embarrassed and weak for being unable to handle this on my own. You are my last hope. Please help me. -- GRIEVING IN L.A.
DEAR GRIEVING: Please don't blame yourself for having not told your friend that she was dying. Although I do not agree with their thinking, you did as her family dictated you must. Your friend was an adult, and, in my opinion, entitled to an honest answer so that she could spend her short and precious time as she wished, made her peace and provided letters for her children. I suspect some families prefer to avoid disclosing a terminal diagnosis because they are unable to come to terms with their own feelings and fears about it.
Short-term medication, under a doctor's supervision, may be helpful. Call your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychotherapist who can help you work through your unresolved guilt and grief. A grief support group could be helpful. To locate one, ask your doctor or clergyperson, or inquire at the nearest hospital.
DEAR ABBY: On Sunday, April 30, my wife called me into the living room to read me a letter from your column. As she read it aloud, I could not hold back the tears. It was the letter from Peter Tran about that day being Memorial Day for the end of the Vietnam War.
I was deeply touched by Mr. Tran's words of gratitude as I reflected back to the year I spent in Vietnam. While I was there, I had witnessed underlying hatred for our being there and ruining the beautiful terrain that existed before the war. It was as though we were fighting a war of no purpose. I am sure other vets felt the same way.
I want to thank Mr. Tran for opening a door that had been tightly closed for many years. It has given me some sense of closure to the many questions I have had about our presence in Vietnam. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I no longer feel guilty for having been there. I now feel that it was worth the effort. -- DAVID MICHENER, PUYALLUP, WASH.
DEAR DAVID: I'm pleased that the letter brought you closure.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Now that summer is here, please remind your readers never to leave their dogs or other pets in their cars -- even for "just a minute." I understand that owners may think they will be gone only a brief period and the animal will be OK, but it takes only three minutes for the inside of a car to become much hotter than it is outside. In such heat, the pet's body can shut down, and it will die.
Animals do not have a voice to ask owners to take good care of them, so I'm asking. All animals should be loved and protected. I urge owners to have as much compassion for their family pets as they do for their own children. -- MRS. RANDI ARONSON, HOWELL, N.J.
DEAR RANDI: It's true that the temperature inside an automobile can build up quickly in these summer months -- and the "just a minute" can result in a tragedy.
While I'm on the subject of pets and climate, outdoor pet houses should be placed in the shade, and plenty of cool, fresh water should be provided in bowls that cannot tip over. Hint: Metal bowls cause the water to heat quite rapidly; conversely, in the winter, they chill the water to the point that it may freeze, making it inaccessible to the animal.
Thousands of readers responded to the letter in my column about pets being listed in obituaries, and volunteered that their pets are special friends or a part of the family.
Pet owners, please remember that your pets need proper care and love. Do not tie your pet in the yard and neglect it. Should you see that someone's pet is being subjected to this kind of neglect, notify the proper authorities.
A final thought: Please neuter or spay your cats and dogs. Neutered animals make better pets, and this act of love will alleviate the tragedy of thousands of unwanted animals being euthanized each year. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In reference to the letter about making provisions for your pet's future in case of your illness or death, you should know that The Humane Society of the United States (HSUS) offers a free brochure, "Planning for Your Pet's Future Without You." It includes information on long-term and permanent care for your pet, selection of a permanent caregiver, sample language for pet care instructions in your will, and advice on seeking legal assistance.
More than 64 million cats and 62 million dogs live in our households. They are obviously important members of the American family. No one expects to fall ill or become disabled and unable to care for our beloved pets. I urge pet owners to take the time now to plan for their pet's future in case of emergency.
For a copy of our free brochure, write: The Humane Society of the United States, Code PF2000, 2100 L St. NW, Washington, DC 20037. Include a self-addressed, stamped envelope. You can also download the information from our Web site: www.hsus.org. -- NANCY PETERSON, HUMANE SOCIETY OF THE UNITED STATES
DEAR NANCY: If the number of letters I receive from readers who love their pets is any indication, get ready for a huge response to your generous offer. Thank you for this important information.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)