What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Blame for Family's Debt Is Shared by Husband and Wife
DEAR ABBY: I am one of your male readers, and this is the first time in 30 years of reading you that I have written. You were right to tell the woman who ran up $17,000 in debt to tell her husband, but you missed an important point. He sounds like my son-in-law, someone who has ignored his fiscal responsibilities in his marriage.
The husband may be the breadwinner, but he acts more like a teen-ager who turns his earnings over to the family and accepts an allowance. He has been hiding his head in a bucket of sand, but unless she arranges the "telling" in the company of someone he respects, he will lay all the blame on her. That third party should be prepared to lay it on him a little. Didn't he ever look at a bank statement or a credit card bill?
That woman may have a big problem, but her husband's is just as large or larger. -- P.S. IN FLORIDA
DEAR P.S.: That letter generated mail from both sexes. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I thought your reply to "Drowning in Debt" was amazing. No wonder there's so much credit card debt in this country, when people like you use the existence of the whole credit card problem to justify the overspending of the individual, i.e. "everybody else does it."
Your advice should have been short and simple: Tell your husband immediately, pay off the debt, and live within your income by living without what you cannot afford. When the debts are paid off, put into savings the amount you had been paying on debt reduction.
Judging from the lady's whining, I imagine she considers herself a victim in our new society of victims. -- LUCKY SHE'S NOT MY WIFE IN LOUISIANA
DEAR LUCKY: I told her to tell her husband and that, with the assistance of credit counseling, they could resolve this problem. I did not feel that laying more of a guilt trip on her than she was already feeling would be constructive or helpful. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My wife also took care of the bill-paying for the better part of 41 years. Only when she passed away did I discover how deeply in debt we were. To this day I regret not keeping a closer eye on our checkbook.
Your advice to "Drowning" was outstanding, but should include the husband. After all, he undoubtedly helped incur some of the debts. He should be willing to work with his wife to pay them off. It takes two to tango. -- SMART TOO LATE IN TENNESSEE
DEAR SMART TOO LATE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your wife. I agree that it takes two to tango. It's sad, but some couples find it harder to talk about money than they do about sex. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I applaud you for recommending that "Drowning" contact the National Foundation for Credit Counseling. The staff is wonderful, caring and helpful. The biggest problem some people have is admitting to a stranger that they have failed. But once you do, the counseling service helps you get through the rough times and on to financial freedom. Thanks again, Abby, for sharing information about that wonderful program with the public. -- CONSUMER CREDIT GRADUATE, SAN BERNARDINO, CALIF.
DEAR GRADUATE: You're welcome!
Readers, if you missed the column with the telephone number and Web address for the National Foundation for Credit Counseling, they are: (800) 388-2227 and www.nfcc.org.
Better Business Bureau Won't Give Credit Where It Isn't Due
DEAR ABBY: Please do your readers a service by cautioning them to phone the Better Business Bureau whenever they receive a "great" offer they are considering accepting.
I received a notice from a legitimate-sounding credit card company ("member of FDIC") in Scottsdale, Ariz., saying that I was "pre-approved" for a secured credit card. They asked that I send a check for $99, and they would issue a credit card with a limit of $500. That was exciting because my finances are in a state of disarray. I don't get many of these kinds of offers.
I phoned the credit card company and asked how long it would take to receive the new card. The response was "six weeks." That seemed rather long, and my intuition told me to phone the Better Business Bureau in Scottsdale. I was informed the bureau has a file with pages and pages of complaints against this company.
Please inform your readers that a phone call to the BBB may not only save them money, but prevent grief and a great deal of wasted time as well. -- A FRIEND IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRIEND: Better Business Bureaus are located in most major cities in the United States. They were one of the first consumer "watchdog" organizations. The bureaus provide consumer education materials, answer questions, provide information about businesses -- i.e. whether there are unanswered or unsettled complaints or other marketplace problems -- and help resolve buyer/seller complaints against a business, including mediation and arbitration services. They also have information about charities and other organizations seeking public donations.
BBBs that provide information via 1-900 telephone numbers charge a nominal fee for their services; some offices charge a flat fee and require a major credit card to access information. The BBB Web site can be accessed at www.bbb.org for consumer fraud and scam alerts, and information about BBB programs, services and locations.
DEAR ABBY: I kissed a married man. Actually, it went beyond just kissing. I have just turned 19, and he's 30 and has a baby on the way.
Abby, I didn't sleep with him -- but we went pretty far. We both wanted it to happen, but I still feel guilty.
I have liked this guy for four years. I was, and probably still am, too young for him. What should I be doing about this situation now? I don't see him often, but when I do, we fool around. What do you think this guy is thinking? -- "BUNNY" IN INDIANA
DEAR "BUNNY": This guy is thinking, "Here's an 'easy' girl I can get some action from without any commitment." That means no love, no respect -- zero on your balance sheet. He gets a quick thrill while you get a few moments of pleasure -- and plenty of risks.
You feel guilty because you know he is married to another woman who can't compete with you right now. Listen to your conscience and stop playing around with him. You're risking an emotional involvement with a man who has proved he cannot be faithful, a pregnancy with more responsibility than you can handle, and a social disease from someone who's probably playing around with more "other women" than you.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Message Sent by Car Ads Is Offensive to Safe Drivers
DEAR ABBY: I was pleased to see the letter in your column referring to the commercial showing two "ladies" driving aggressively to get a parking space ahead of each other. The third time we saw it, my husband and I decided to disconnect the television cable.
Whatever happened to "let others go first" and "do unto others as you would have them do unto you"? How can I teach my grandchildren to be polite when selfishness is presented as "sport"?
I refuse to buy a vehicle from a company that uses such advertising, even if it means keeping my old car. -- ANN VANCE, GREENWOOD, MISS.
DEAR ANN: The writer of that letter was Valerie Rivard. Her letter struck a chord with many people. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are professional freight truck drivers. When a new auto ad comes on the air, we know we will see that kind of driving within 24 to 48 hours. People seem to think that if the driver in an ad can drive that way, they can, too. Because it didn't happen in the commercial, they fail to take into account that their reckless driving could cause a crash! We see it all the time.
One ad showed a car pushing through three big rigs as it came on the highway, cutting off at least one of them and almost sideswiping another. The driver in the ad gets away with it! What kind of example does that set for teen-agers and new drivers?
Please, everyone: Drive in a defensive, courteous, legal, professional manner. The result will be safe and happy roads for all. -- HENRY A. PASCOE, HARP TRANSPORT INC., SNOHOMISH, WASH.
DEAR HENRY: Hear, hear! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Being a teen-ager myself, I can tell you that commercials for "fast" cars do not encourage me to drive fast. They are meant only to show the maneuverability of the vehicles. Some people actually drive off-road for a living and appreciate a car that can perform sharp turns.
I do not believe that these commercials send subliminal messages to make young drivers drive faster or recklessly. Anyone of any age can drive fast and irresponsibly. -- TIFFANY IN WICHITA FALLS, TEXAS
DEAR TIFFANY: I agree that anyone of any age can have a lead foot and drive recklessly. Unfortunately, too many people do. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I see many SUV and car commercials portraying vehicles driving off-road, driving through streams and nature. This is an irresponsible message to send to people. Off-road driving is extremely destructive to our environment. Why can't car companies promote good citizenship while they market their cars? -- SICK OF SUVS IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR SICK: Good point; good question. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have also become angry while watching those ads. Driving is portrayed as a competitive blood sport. To even suggest that there is something "glamorous" about ignoring traffic regulations and common civility borders on the criminal.
What can we do to get auto manufacturers and their ad agencies to stop contributing to the anarchy and carnage on the roads? Would a letter-writing campaign to car companies and their ad agencies be of any use? How about a boycott of the most irresponsible manufacturers? -- MAD IN ATLANTA
DEAR MAD: I can think of no more effective way to communicate that message than by opening one's pen and closing one's checkbook.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)