For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MILITARY SPOUSES DESERVE OUR THANKS FOR SACRIFICES AT HOME
DEAR ABBY: The letters you have printed from men and women in the Armed Forces reminded me of an experience I would like to share.
My husband is in the service. One day last fall, we made a quick stop on our way to a formal Marine Corps event. As we walked through the store, many people looked at my husband in his dress blues. One woman approached and thanked him for what he does and the sacrifices he makes. She said her husband was in the Army for many years and that he now rests in Arlington Cemetery. Then she thanked ME and said she understood what a difficult job I had being his wife.
My husband and I walked away touched by the sincerity in her words. I will never forget her, not only because she took the initiative to thank my husband, but because she also recognized a large group of people who are usually overlooked: the spouses.
To all of those other military wives (and husbands) out there: You are appreciated! All of you who faithfully wait for reunions, who have lost count of the tearful goodbyes, those who sleep in empty beds that suddenly seem so large, who comfort the children because they miss Dad or Mom, and those afraid to leave the house because they might miss that weekly phone call from thousands of miles away.
Thanks to all who, like my husband, leave their loved ones for sometimes months at a time and wipe the tears as they go. Thanks to all of those who share my job of supporting their spouses over the miles and keeping them strong.
And last, thank you, Abby, for shedding light on this subject. A lot of hard work and heartache go with being involved in the service. These men and women deserve our thanks. -- PROUD AND LOVING WIFE IN GEORGIA
DEAR PROUD: You have a right to be proud. My hat is off to the families of our servicemen and women, because the home fires often require a lot of stoking and the task falls upon them. Your letter reminds me of a quotation first uttered by John Milton: "They also serve who only stand and wait."
DEAR ABBY: I was touched by the letter you printed from Ula Pendleton, the retired teacher from Westminster High School in Los Angeles, who received praise from a student years after she had taught him. How wonderful for her to know the fruit of her labor.
Teachers are truly the unsung heroes of our lives. No, I'm not a teacher, but I know many teachers, and I always tell them, "I could never do what you do." Most of them labor at an incredibly tough job for years and may never know the results of their work.
As an ER nurse, I, too, have a tough job. However, I can see the results of my efforts -- mostly positive -- on a daily basis. Not so for most teachers, who face many obstacles and may not know if they have made a difference. They deserve our highest praise. -- B.O.G., BASS LAKE, CALIF.
DEAR B.O.G.: I agree. I have received many letters from readers praising their former teachers -- usually because the teachers were fair-minded, caring, and helped their students master a subject.
Teaching is an art, and I, too, admire those gifted individuals in the field of education who have made a positive difference in the lives of their students.
Boy Who Found Penthouse Is Now in Parents' Doghouse
DEAR ABBY: Please help! I caught my 11-year-old son sneaking in my bedroom going through my husband's drawers, and he found a Penthouse magazine. (The only one in our house, I might add.) My husband and I are both extremely upset over this, but don't know how to handle it. First, my son has lost our trust by going through our room when we weren't home, and second, he lied about it. Lastly, we are concerned that he was exposed to that kind of material. There was much more in that magazine than anyone should see.
I feel that our son has lost his innocence, and my husband and I are both distraught at the thought of it. How do you punish a child for this? I understand the curiosity -- his class is in the middle of "family life experiences" this week. My son is generally a good kid, other than the fact that when he does something wrong, he tends to lie his way through it.
Please help or advise any way you can. -- UPSET IN ALEXANDRIA, VA.
DEAR UPSET: It's important not to overreact. Your boy is becoming a man, and his curiosity is normal. Use this experience as an opportunity to open the lines of communication. If his father hasn't already had that "father-son" chat with him, Dad had better hurry, because it is overdue.
In a week or two, in a nonconfrontational manner, point out to your son that just as you respect his privacy, you expect him to respect yours. And that means not rummaging through your personal effects. In the future, keep items that are "private" in a locked cabinet or closet.
Lest you think you're the only parents with this problem, read on for one that arrived the same day as yours:
DEAR ABBY: I had a collection of Playboy magazines in a sealed box in our attic. One day while putting something in the attic, I noticed that the tape had been removed from the box and someone had gone through my magazines. I brought this to the attention of my wife. She recalled that my 8-year-old son had been in the attic recently.
I went upstairs to his bedroom and asked him if he had been in the attic and had removed the tape from a box that held some magazines. I told him that all I wanted was a truthful answer. I told him that when he answered, I would know if he was telling me the truth. He asked, "Dad, how can you tell?"
I replied, "After you answer, I'll ask you to stick out your tongue. If you're not truthful, your tongue will have spots on it." Then I asked him if he had removed the tape from the box in the attic. He replied, "No."
I said, "Stick out your tongue."
After he did, I said, "Uh-oh!"
He stood there looking up at me with his hands on his hips and said, "Dad, that was from the LAST time." -- B.W. IN HURON, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: Last year, my boyfriend's parents gave me a large, expensively matted and framed picture of him and me for my birthday. Our relationship ended several months ago, and I am debating whether it would be appropriate to return the picture. It has been sitting in the closet since we broke up.
Should I return the picture to his parents, or to my former boyfriend? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE IN INDIANA
DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: Write the parents a sweet note and ask them if they want the picture returned. If they don't, you can always use the frame if someone new enters the picture.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Brother Abuses Family Trust by Shorting on Yearly Rent
DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, my brother was in a financial bind. He stood to lose his home and possibly his livelihood. He asked my husband and me to buy part of his farmland so that he could use the cash to pay off his debts.
We live on a fixed income, but we had some investments pay out so we had the cash to purchase the land. We agreed to let him continue to farm the land, and he was to pay us one-third of the income as rent. We left all the details to him, as we had no reason to distrust him. However, we recently discovered that he has been receiving a government subsidy that he was supposed to share with us. It is not a great deal of money on a yearly basis, but over the past 12 years it has amounted to a few thousand dollars.
My husband and I are hurt and disappointed over this deception. We don't want to take legal action, nor do we want to embarrass him in any way. We would like to resolve this matter in a tactful way to permit him to save face. We discussed selling the land, but this would probably put him in a financial bind, and we don't want to do that.
My brother has a fairly good life. He owns his home free and clear, has a place at the lake and owns a boat. In other words, he is not destitute.
Have you any suggestions on how to resolve this matter without hard feelings on either side? -- DISAPPOINTED IN ARKANSAS
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Frankly, I don't. Your kindness and concern have been abused, and you have caught your brother with his hand in the cookie jar. This will continue until you put a stop to it -- and when you do, instead of being angry at himself, he will displace his anger onto you, so be prepared.
DEAR ABBY: I taught school for 30 years and used your column many times to foster rich discussions in the classroom. You have always addressed the problems in society squarely, and in doing so, given readers springboards from which to launch dialogues of their own.
The recent letter from "Niece in Troy, N.Y.," discussing why people should make an effort to visit relatives who can no longer communicate as they once did, really hit home.
I am in the "sandwich" generation. I am a grandmother with seven grandchildren, and I have both parents and a former mother-in-law who are in varying forms of dementia.
Recently, while I was driving two of my granddaughters to my house, we passed the elder care home where my former mother-in-law now resides. She is the great-grandmother to the little girls. As we went by, Sophia, who is 4 years old, said, "That's where Nonie lives."
"That's right," I answered, and continued driving.
"But, Gran," she asked, "aren't we going to stop and check on her?" Of course, we did.
At that moment, I realized what a wonderful job my son and his wife had done. Their children were being taught compassion, caring and responsibility to those who could no longer care for themselves.
None of us knows how we are going to end up. I feel proud knowing that my children are teaching their children values. -- "GRAN" IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR "GRAN": You have every reason to be proud of your children and grandchildren.
P.S. I'm sure they learned a lot about compassion from you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)