Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
EXTENDED-FAMILY CELEBRATION CAN BE RICHER FOR THE SIZE
DEAR ABBY: I agree with your answer to "Caught in the Middle," whose new girlfriend resents his ex-wife's being present for their 6-year-old son's special days. Throughout the many years that I have been married to my second husband, we have welcomed his two ex-wives, my three stepchildren and all their spouses to join us for special occasions as an all-inclusive extended family. There have been a few instances when none of the children were able to join us for a holiday celebration, but we were pleased that the ex-wives still attended. Our extended family has enriched our lives.
Divorce between parents needn't mean one of them must also separate from the children -- the parental relationship still remains.
Rather than disrupting an apparently cordial relationship that is being maintained for the benefit of a young boy, the new girlfriend should realize that the mother's interest in sharing time with her child for holiday events that include other family members isn't "weird." To deny the ex-wife access to her son's special activities would be detrimental to all concerned. -- MARY JANE SCHONEBERGER, PHOENIX
DEAR MARY JANE: Were it within my power to do so, I would nominate you for a Medal of Common Sense and Magnanimity. You are terrific, and your husband is a lucky man.
DEAR ABBY: I hope you will print this for the poor teen-age girl who was ridiculed for not wearing a bra. I suggest that she's simply more sophisticated than her ignorant classmates, and also the average 16-year-old.
I have been a fashion model for more than 20 years. Understanding the proper undergarments -- or an appropriate lack thereof -- is an elementary concept to anyone in the fashion industry or even a well-groomed person in general.
Although it would be inappropriate for a buxom woman to go braless, I occasionally teach modeling to teens, and it's like pulling teeth to get them to understand that while modesty should, of course, be preserved, sometimes ALL undergarments have to come off. Any lines under clothing or display of underwear that is not part of a "look" and clearly intended to show, is a no-no.
How sad that people persist in being unnecessarily unkind over insignificant matters when that energy could so easily be channeled to do good in the world. It's time for her "friends" to grow up. -- DEBBI IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR DEBBI: You're absolutely right. Her classmates' obsession with her underwear -- or lack of it -- shows a lack of more important things to think about. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for the poor "braless" girl who is facing cruelty at school.
This may be a perfect opportunity to expose her ignorant classmates to the history of women's lib in America. Many of her classmates can look forward to career opportunities that may have remained inaccessible without the activism of braless, unshaven women in the late '60s.
You go, girl! -- LISA MELYAN, PORTLAND, ORE.
GOLD STAR WIVES SPREAD WORD ON BENEFITS FOR WIDOWS OF VETS
DEAR ABBY: Over the years, you have honored the men and women who have served our country in military service. As the widow of a military man, I want to express my gratitude. For the past two years, I have taken part in the ceremonies in Arlington Cemetery and at the Wall in Washington, D.C., and found them emotionally moving. Our country is free because young men and women in the service sacrificed their lives for their beloved America.
So often the "forgotten" ones are the wives and children left behind by the death of the military person. After World War II, four war widows felt the need to establish an organization called Gold Star Wives of America for widows whose husbands died on active duty, or who died as a result of disabilities incurred while on active duty. It was incorporated in the state of New York in December of 1945. The organization has worked to preserve and to institute government programs pertaining to the welfare of the widows and their children.
We need to reach the widows who have married again, and lost a second husband, with some good news. Their benefits can be reinstated by contacting their state director of veteran affairs.
Abby, will you be the bearer of these good tidings? It could be beneficial to thousands. -- FLORANCE B. HERBERT, NATIONAL PRESIDENT EMERITUS
DEAR FLORANCE: That's important news, and I am pleased to pass it along.
For further information, military widows may write: Gold Star Wives of America Inc., 5510 Columbia Pike, Suite 205, Arlington, VA 22204. Please enclose a long, stamped, self-addressed envelope. The organization also has a Web site: www.goldstarwives.org.
DEAR ABBY: "Joel," my husband of 40 years, and I sleep in different bedrooms because he snores. He has a job that requires him to get up at 4 a.m. After he showers and gets dressed, he comes into my room to say goodbye.
Abby, in the process of saying goodbye, Joel feels for my face to kiss me and ends up leaning on my throat, poking me in the eye or pulling my hair. I naturally become frightened and jump, which causes him to clunk me again!
I have asked him countless times to allow me to sleep, but he still comes in to adjust my covers or rub my feet, both of which WAKE ME UP! I have tried locking my door, but then he plays with the dog outside my door, causing her to bark, and that WAKES ME UP!
I have tried getting up early with him, but I just can't function the rest of the day. I told him that waking me up early is a form of abuse, but he refuses to listen.
Any ideas? -- SLEEPLESS IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR SLEEPLESS: Face it. Your husband is doing this deliberately. He resents your not getting up to be with him. Since he wakes you anyway, perhaps you should get up to see him off, and then take an afternoon siesta.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "AFRAID TO BREAK OUT OF MY RUT": The biggest human temptation is ... to settle for too little." (Thomas Merton, 1915-1968)
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sun Gods and Goddesses Are Mere Mortals After All
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing this a few days before I go into surgery for something I never thought was a big deal. Melanoma.
I had a flat "unthreatening" mole on my arm -- sort of a large freckle -- that had been there for as long as I could remember. Not too long ago, it started growing quickly enough that I began to notice the difference from one week to another. I didn't worry about it because I have freckles all over. Fortunately, a friend of mine who is a dermatologist said, "You ought to have that looked at."
My doctor biopsied the freckle and said he was 90 percent certain it was nothing to worry about. A few days later he called me himself and informed me I would need a complete body exam, my lymph nodes examined, and further surgery to take more skin off that arm.
I quickly learned that unlike less serious skin cancers, melanoma has a very high rate of metastasis. It can quickly spread to the lymph nodes, the eyes, the stomach, even to the brain. It is one of the fastest-growing cancers in the United States as far as numbers of people affected. It can kill you, and once you've had it, you are at risk for the rest of your life. It is so serious that I will have trouble getting life insurance and will no longer be allowed to give blood.
Sun exposure is one of the risk factors for melanoma. I grew up in the sun -- sailing, swimming, on the beach. I've even occasionally used tanning beds. I won't be doing that anymore.
Please, Abby, tell your readers how serious melanoma is. They should watch for any changes in moles and have them checked immediately.
I'm 41, and my doctor tells me he's seen it in people as young as 20. It tends to strike younger people than other cancers do. When I think of the tans I worked so hard to get, and the sunburns I shrugged off and slathered with aloe, I cringe. If I could turn back the clock I would, and stay lily-white. -- LAURA H. MARSHALL, WALNUT CREEK, CALIF.
DEAR LAURA: Thank you for your important warning. Everyone is at risk for skin cancer, regardless of his or her skin color. Summer is just around the corner, and I pray that my sun-worshipping readers will remember a few tips to protect themselves from ultraviolet (UV) rays.
About 80 percent of skin cancers could be prevented by protecting ourselves from the sun's rays. Limit direct sun exposure, especially during midday. Cover up -- wear long sleeves and a hat. Use a sunscreen with a sun protection factor (SPF) of 15 or higher. Be sure to wear sunglasses that block UV rays. Avoid sunlamps and tanning booths, and check your skin regularly for any changes in freckles or moles.
Some medications, such as antibiotics, can increase the skin's sensitivity to the sun, so ask your physician or pharmacist about the drugs you are taking and take extra precautions.
And remember: Babies and small children are subject to the same eye and skin problems that adults are when exposed to the sun. So, parents, make sure your youngsters' eyes and skin are protected, too, when you take them for a stroll, out to play or shopping. Their safety depends on you.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)