To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have a different kind of problem for you. My husband, "Bill," is a smoker, and I'm a nonsmoker. He knows that his habit is bad for him and has expressed his desire to quit on countless occasions. He has tried to quit a few times without success.
Here's my problem. My mother-in-law, "Mary" (also a smoker), gives Bill packs of cigarettes as gifts. I told Bill long ago that I understand his addiction (I used to smoke years ago), but that he should never ask me to buy cigarettes for him because I cannot in good conscience assist him in destroying his health.
I know that Mary is a grown woman and it is not my place to tell her what she can and cannot do for her only son, but I want to scream every time I see her handing Bill a pack of cigarettes and saying, "Here, Sweetie, I got these for you." I feel like I'm watching someone slowly kill him.
Yes, I realize that the ultimate responsibility lies with Bill because he's the one who lights the cigarettes and inhales the smoke, but what mental deficiency must Mary have to, in effect, kill her own son? Is there anything I can do to get her to stop giving him cigarettes? Bill would never ask her to stop because his take on the situation is that he's going to smoke anyway -- and cigarettes are expensive -- so she's doing us both a favor and saving us some money.
By the way, Mary is a serious control freak, and the last time Bill and I attempted to speak with her about something that was very important, she didn't speak to us for a year, which hurt Bill immeasurably. I don't want to have to deal with that again. Can you help? -- FRUSTRATED NONSMOKER IN L.A.
DEAR FRUSTRATED: It is hard to imagine parents doing something that is harmful to their children -- but every now and then we hear about ignorant people who feed alcohol to a small child, or minimize illicit drug use in teen-agers when they should be helping and educating them.
Bill's mother is a classic enabler. And your husband has somehow confused her feeding his addiction with showing love for him. Both of them are to be pitied.
Unfortunately, there is nothing I -- or you -- can do to help Bill overcome his addiction to tobacco. Only he can do that. And the first step is admitting he has an addiction he cannot control and seeking help from his doctor. There are medications available today that can help people overcome their nicotine addiction and ease the withdrawal for those who cannot face going "cold turkey." However, they are available by prescription only.
Unfortunately, there is no medication that can cure what is wrong with Bill's mother.
DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers has a terrible habit -- she continually chews and cracks her gum. Abby, this is a professional office, not a truck stop. Not only does she look like a cow that's chewing her cud, the sound is extremely annoying. How can we get her to stop without offending her? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN SHERWOOD, ARK.
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: If the gum-cracker is not aware that she is offending others, you or one of her other co-workers should tell her privately in a friendly way. If she is aware and doesn't care, her supervisor should be told.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in the hope that it helps at least one woman from falling victim to the date-rape drug. I went to a nice party at an upscale hotel for the millennium celebration. My friend and I felt secure in those surroundings. I had a couple of drinks with my dinner. In the course of the evening, I met a couple of men. They bought me a drink and I drank it. Within a half-hour, I felt myself losing control. The room was blurred and my balance was off. For as few beverages as I had consumed, this was not right.
The man who had bought me the drink came to my table, seemed concerned and walked me to the restroom. Neither I nor my friend was alarmed at his kind offer, but I have no memory after that. No one knows where I went except those men.
I was found a couple of hours later in a taxicab. I did not know who I was or where I had been. The next eight hours, I could feel myself fading in and out of consciousness. When I gained my bearings, I could tell that I had been violated.
I had to go through a humiliating examination at the doctor's office for STDs. As time passes, I will have to undergo more blood tests to check for HIV and hepatitis. I am trying not to feel ashamed -- but the shame is there.
I know no one deserves this, but I am beating myself up with self-doubt. With no memory, and days having passed, I have no legal course of action. Although I would recognize these men if I saw them again, I have no hard proof to accuse them of anything. I never thought this could happen to me.
Abby, please tell women out there it really can happen to them. NEVER accept a drink from a stranger and never allow a stranger to help you "walk off" a bad feeling. It is a hard lesson I wish I hadn't had to learn the hard way. -- VIOLATED IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS
DEAR VIOLATED: Your signature says it all. You have no reason to feel shame. You were naive and were victimized by a predator. If you have not already done so, call the Houston Area Women's Center. The toll-free number is (800) 256-0661. (They will refer sexual assault victims nationwide to local rape hotlines.) The operators there can help you deal with the emotions you are experiencing. They can also tell you whether or not it would be worthwhile to discuss what happened to you with the police. Having gotten away with this crime, it is entirely possible that the two men who drugged you will assault another victim. Having your report on file could be very helpful.
P.S. This is the second letter I have received in the last two months from the victim of a date-rape drug, and the implications are disturbing.
DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine got married a year and a half ago. She has a 9-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old stepdaughter from the marriage. Her stepdaughter does not live in their home. I believe they have visitation one day a weekend or every other weekend.
When sending Christmas gifts or birthday party invitations to her biological daughter, should the same be done for her stepdaughter -- even if some of her friends have not met her stepdaughter yet because of her infrequent visitation? -- INSULT-WARY IN NEW HAMPSHREI
DEAR INSULT-WARY: Although the younger girl's friends have not yet met the new stepsister, it would be a kindness to include her. If she's uncomfortable about attending, she can always refuse.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Warning Opens Woman's Eyes to Her Own Abusive Behavior
DEAR ABBY: When I read your list of "15 Reasons to Leave Your Lover, Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality," my jaw dropped. My heart began to race and my stomach did flip-flops. My boyfriend isn't the one who fits so many of the characteristics on the list -- I am!
My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. The first three or four months, I was an angel. Then slowly I began to change. It started with one incident every few weeks, then once a week, and now it happens almost every day.
I interrogate my man about where he has been, who was there, and how long the conversations went on. When things don't go the way I think they should, I blame him and call him mean and hateful names. I criticize him for things over which he has no control and curse at him. I have actually kicked him while he was asleep so he'd wake up and I could finish giving him a verbal bashing. I have threatened to kill him -- and that's not right. One minute I'm sweet and loving, then he says something that sets me off and I'm on a tirade, cursing and yelling.
Sometimes, when we aren't fighting, I look into his eyes and see the pain I've caused over the last few months and I feel awful.
So, Abby, I want to thank you. I am going to get help immediately! The next time you print that list, remember that women aren't always on the receiving end. My boyfriend has been nothing but good to me, and no one deserves the treatment I have given him. That article opened my eyes. Thanks, Abby. -- A NEW LEAF IN GEORGIA
DEAR NEW LEAF: I'm pleased that the "15 Reasons" provided a mirror in which you saw yourself. I'm even more pleased that the column gave you the push you needed to seek professional help.
With guidance and a sincere desire to deal with your anger, insecurity and need to control, you will conquer the problem and ensure a safer environment for the people you love and who love you.
DEAR ABBY: I have a sensitive problem I don't know how to handle. I have a sister-in-law I would do anything for. I love her as I would a sister. She is my best friend, but her husband is a total jerk. He has been making advances toward me and saying things like, "I wish you were mine," and, "A lot of women think I'm great and would be happy to have me."
My sister-in-law invites me to their house frequently, and I am constantly turning her down because of the jerk she's married to. Instead, I suggest that we meet somewhere and have dinner or coffee because I don't want to hurt her in any way.
I want to tell her what a cheat her husband is, but I'm afraid of hurting her and our relationship. There's no telling how many women he has made advances to, or how many may have taken him up on it.
What can I do? I love her and don't want to cause her pain, but she needs to know what her husband is up to. -- FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS
DEAR FRUSTRATED: The next time your sister-in-law's husband makes advances, tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in anything he has to offer, and if it happens again you will tell his wife. If that doesn't stop him, tell her everything and don't mince words.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)