To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR READERS: It's Valentine's Day already! And what better time to revive my Ten Commandments of Love.
Yes, dear readers, I actually had the chutzpah to write my own Ten Commandments. However, it wasn't as though I was stealing from strangers. One of my ancestors was privileged to have received them on Mount Sinai from the Lord himself -- at least that's what the Good Book says.
Originally, I wrote two sets of commandments -- one for men and one for women. Then Mandy Stellman, a lawyer from Milwaukee, pointed out that one set of commandments should apply to both men and women. She was right, of course. So how's this for a gender-bender?
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE
-- Put your spouse before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter -- your mate is your lifelong companion.
-- Do not abuse your body with excessive food, tobacco, drink, or any foreign substance that goes into your arm or up your nose.
-- Remember that cleanliness is a virtue.
-- Willingly share all of your worldly goods with your mate.
-- Do not forget to say, "I love you." Even though your love may be constant, your spouse needs to hear those cherished words often.
-- Remember that the approval of your spouse is worth far more than the adoring glances of a hundred strangers, so be true to him or her, and forsake all others.
-- Permit neither your business nor your hobby to make you a stranger to your spouse. The most precious gift you can give is time.
-- Keep your home in good repair, because out of it come the joys of old age (not to mention its resale value).
-- Forgive with grace, because who among us does not need to be forgiven?
-- Honor the Lord your God every day of your life, and your children will grow up to bless you.
Today, be a sweetheart. Call someone you love and say, "I love you." (Make two or three calls; who says you can't love more than one person -- in different ways, of course.)
Call someone who's lonely and say, "I'm thinking of you." Or better yet, say, "I'll be over tomorrow to take you to lunch, run some errands for you or give you a ride."
Visit a sick friend. Say a prayer. Donate some blood. Adopt a pet. Will your eyes, your kidneys and all your usable organs to someone who can use them after you're gone. Forgive an enemy. Hug your teen-ager. Write a fan letter. Listen to a bore. Pay your doctor. Tell your parents you think they're wonderful. Spay your dog. Neuter your cat. Quit smoking. Drive carefully. If you're walking -- watch where you're going.
And don't wait until next year to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY
DEAR ABBY: A month ago I broke up with my boyfriend, "Adam." We had been dating about six months. During the last month of our relationship, his car broke down, so I lent him my spare car. Last night when I called him, I found out that he had resumed his relationship with his former girlfriend. I told him I wanted my car back immediately, and I felt it was disrespectful of him to have kept my car. When he decided to go back with her, he should have returned it.
Who does he think he is, anyway -- driving one girl's car while sleeping with another? He thinks I am wrong for saying he disrespected me. What do you think? -- STEWING IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STEWING: The honorable thing would have been for him to have returned your car when he felt his relationship with you was over. However, you put him in the driver's seat and he enjoyed the freedom your wheels provided, so he felt no guilt in steering the vehicle in a different direction. You're lucky to be rid of him with only a little more mileage on your car.
DEAR ABBY: I am planning an elegant celebration for my husband's 50th birthday. We'll be having a black-tie sit-down dinner, a live band and dancing, a magician and a fortune-teller.
One of the invitees shocked me yesterday by announcing that she was bringing a guest. If she had a special man in her life, I would have included "and guest" on her invitation. Quite a few people she knows will be there -- and at least half a dozen other singles.
I feel very uncomfortable that someone would consider bringing an uninvited guest to this party, and I resent the way she announced it -- without asking and giving me the option of refusing.
After spending a sleepless night stewing over it, I realized I should have told her this was an imposition. However, I was too stunned when she mentioned it and didn't acknowledge the comment.
Would I be rude to tell her she can't bring a guest to our party? -- NEEDS ADVICE FAST IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR NEEDS: No. You would not be rude to tell this woman that you and your husband have discussed her bringing a guest to his party, and you cannot accommodate her request. Explain that your guest list is limited to close friends and family only, and she will not be the only single in attendance.
It is never proper for a guest to tell a hostess that he or she is bringing another person. The proper procedure is to ask if it would be all right to bring a date -- and since that person is technically the guest of the guest, to graciously offer to pay for him or her.
DEAR ABBY: A little over a year ago, I met a nice lady and we started to date. She told me a long tale of woe -- how she had stayed with her last husband until the family business went bankrupt.
I felt sorry for her and gave her money and presents, including three automobiles, $1,000 worth of dental work and money for five months rent on her apartment.
All along, she broke every engagement we made to spend time and holidays together.
I am now behind in my bills. My charge cards are maxed out, and I am still paying for her new living room suite. She was supposed to have moved into my home by now and we were to be married. Now she says she needs three more months to "think about it" in order to be sure.
I own my own home, Abby, and do not want to lose it to this woman and her daughter, who is an attorney. Do you think I am being played for a fool? -- AFRAID IN EDGEWATER, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: You are not a fool, but you will be if you continue this relationship. Take advantage of the three months she wants "to think about it" to do some thinking of your own.
This "nice lady" seems to have a history of leaving the men in her life bankrupt; don't be her next statistic. You have taken generosity to an extreme. Next time, don't lavish gifts on a woman until you know she likes you for yourself -- not for what you can give her.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Devoted to Dead Wife Should Enjoy Living Instead
DEAR ABBY: A woman wrote you to complain about her gentleman friend who continued to put flowers on the grave of his deceased wife. You told her that her gentleman friend's devotion to the memory of his deceased wife had nothing to do with his relationship with the writer, unless she chose to regard it as a competition.
Excuse me, Abby, a year or two -- or even three years of devotion for your deceased is great. However, he chose this woman to live with and have a relationship with him now. It looks to me like he wasn't yet ready to join the living, and his choice was premature. Had he come upon me at this time and tried to pull that, I would have told him there was "no room at the inn" yet for the living.
You call it "devotion." I call it feelings of guilt. If I were the woman who wrote to you, I would have moved out that first year. Of course, she won't do that. She thinks she has too many years invested in the relationship. I would move out -- and when he needs some loving company or someone to cook for him, I would tell him to eat flowers or go see his beloved for sex. He certainly does not know how to treat the living. I suspect that is why he is still grieving. -- LIKES THE LIVING IN OHIO
DEAR LIKES THE LIVING: I still prefer to call it devotion. Because a person dies does not mean that the love for that person dies with him or her. Nor should it. Read on for a different view:
DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from the girlfriend who was upset that her shack-up boyfriend still put flowers on his deceased wife's grave. How DARE she feel this way?
I married my husband only three months after his wife passed on. She died unexpectedly of a heart attack. I put flowers on his wife's grave three or four times a year -- on their wedding anniversary and her birthday for sure. They are a token of my respect for her. I feel a grave without flowers is sad. Flowers show that someone still remembers.
I knew going into this relationship that he would always feel love for her. Just because someone passes on you can't turn the feelings on and off like a light switch! When it is his time to go, I'll have him buried next to his first wife, as he wishes. I am making payment on the plot next to his. My husband is a special man, and he has been blessed with the love of TWO good women who have and continue to adore him. -- SECOND ROMANCE IN ARKANSAS
DEAR SECOND ROMANCE: He is, indeed, a lucky man to have found such a secure and caring woman as you with whom to share his life. Anyone who sets up a competition with someone who is deceased can only lose, because the "ghost" is often perceived to have no faults by the surviving spouse. Respecting the memory of the deceased together can be a powerful bond.
DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate to wear velvet after the Christmas holidays? Also, my new husband and I exchanged many gifts with my family and my new in-laws -- should we send thank-yous for each? -- WANT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT
DEAR WANT TO: Velvet is fine in cold weather and certainly acceptable to wear after the holidays.
By all means, send a personal thank-you to each person who gave you a gift -- you want to start your marriage off on the right foot. His family, and yours, will be impressed that you both married courteous and thoughtful people.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)