For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am planning an elegant celebration for my husband's 50th birthday. We'll be having a black-tie sit-down dinner, a live band and dancing, a magician and a fortune-teller.
One of the invitees shocked me yesterday by announcing that she was bringing a guest. If she had a special man in her life, I would have included "and guest" on her invitation. Quite a few people she knows will be there -- and at least half a dozen other singles.
I feel very uncomfortable that someone would consider bringing an uninvited guest to this party, and I resent the way she announced it -- without asking and giving me the option of refusing.
After spending a sleepless night stewing over it, I realized I should have told her this was an imposition. However, I was too stunned when she mentioned it and didn't acknowledge the comment.
Would I be rude to tell her she can't bring a guest to our party? -- NEEDS ADVICE FAST IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR NEEDS: No. You would not be rude to tell this woman that you and your husband have discussed her bringing a guest to his party, and you cannot accommodate her request. Explain that your guest list is limited to close friends and family only, and she will not be the only single in attendance.
It is never proper for a guest to tell a hostess that he or she is bringing another person. The proper procedure is to ask if it would be all right to bring a date -- and since that person is technically the guest of the guest, to graciously offer to pay for him or her.
DEAR ABBY: A little over a year ago, I met a nice lady and we started to date. She told me a long tale of woe -- how she had stayed with her last husband until the family business went bankrupt.
I felt sorry for her and gave her money and presents, including three automobiles, $1,000 worth of dental work and money for five months rent on her apartment.
All along, she broke every engagement we made to spend time and holidays together.
I am now behind in my bills. My charge cards are maxed out, and I am still paying for her new living room suite. She was supposed to have moved into my home by now and we were to be married. Now she says she needs three more months to "think about it" in order to be sure.
I own my own home, Abby, and do not want to lose it to this woman and her daughter, who is an attorney. Do you think I am being played for a fool? -- AFRAID IN EDGEWATER, FLA.
DEAR ABBY: You are not a fool, but you will be if you continue this relationship. Take advantage of the three months she wants "to think about it" to do some thinking of your own.
This "nice lady" seems to have a history of leaving the men in her life bankrupt; don't be her next statistic. You have taken generosity to an extreme. Next time, don't lavish gifts on a woman until you know she likes you for yourself -- not for what you can give her.
Man Devoted to Dead Wife Should Enjoy Living Instead
DEAR ABBY: A woman wrote you to complain about her gentleman friend who continued to put flowers on the grave of his deceased wife. You told her that her gentleman friend's devotion to the memory of his deceased wife had nothing to do with his relationship with the writer, unless she chose to regard it as a competition.
Excuse me, Abby, a year or two -- or even three years of devotion for your deceased is great. However, he chose this woman to live with and have a relationship with him now. It looks to me like he wasn't yet ready to join the living, and his choice was premature. Had he come upon me at this time and tried to pull that, I would have told him there was "no room at the inn" yet for the living.
You call it "devotion." I call it feelings of guilt. If I were the woman who wrote to you, I would have moved out that first year. Of course, she won't do that. She thinks she has too many years invested in the relationship. I would move out -- and when he needs some loving company or someone to cook for him, I would tell him to eat flowers or go see his beloved for sex. He certainly does not know how to treat the living. I suspect that is why he is still grieving. -- LIKES THE LIVING IN OHIO
DEAR LIKES THE LIVING: I still prefer to call it devotion. Because a person dies does not mean that the love for that person dies with him or her. Nor should it. Read on for a different view:
DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from the girlfriend who was upset that her shack-up boyfriend still put flowers on his deceased wife's grave. How DARE she feel this way?
I married my husband only three months after his wife passed on. She died unexpectedly of a heart attack. I put flowers on his wife's grave three or four times a year -- on their wedding anniversary and her birthday for sure. They are a token of my respect for her. I feel a grave without flowers is sad. Flowers show that someone still remembers.
I knew going into this relationship that he would always feel love for her. Just because someone passes on you can't turn the feelings on and off like a light switch! When it is his time to go, I'll have him buried next to his first wife, as he wishes. I am making payment on the plot next to his. My husband is a special man, and he has been blessed with the love of TWO good women who have and continue to adore him. -- SECOND ROMANCE IN ARKANSAS
DEAR SECOND ROMANCE: He is, indeed, a lucky man to have found such a secure and caring woman as you with whom to share his life. Anyone who sets up a competition with someone who is deceased can only lose, because the "ghost" is often perceived to have no faults by the surviving spouse. Respecting the memory of the deceased together can be a powerful bond.
DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate to wear velvet after the Christmas holidays? Also, my new husband and I exchanged many gifts with my family and my new in-laws -- should we send thank-yous for each? -- WANT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT
DEAR WANT TO: Velvet is fine in cold weather and certainly acceptable to wear after the holidays.
By all means, send a personal thank-you to each person who gave you a gift -- you want to start your marriage off on the right foot. His family, and yours, will be impressed that you both married courteous and thoughtful people.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Doing Right Thing Doesn't Necessarily Mean Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have a son who met a girl at work. One thing led to another, and now she is pregnant. This relationship is about two months old.
He has told me on several occasions that he does not love her but wants to do the "right" thing. Should a man marry just to give the child a name when in reality he would rather not? -- SOON TO BE A GRANDPA
DEAR SOON: Doing the "right" thing does not necessarily mean marrying a girl he doesn't love and impregnated accidentally. There are other ways your son can fulfill his obligation. If your son is certain that he is the father, his name can be put on the baby's birth certificate -- which means he will be obligated to provide child support until the child reaches adulthood.
Perhaps when your son and this girl get to know each other better, they will decide they care enough about each other to make a lifetime commitment. But to marry in haste would, in my opinion, only compound their mistake.
DEAR ABBY: "Harriet From Tampa's" advice about having elderly relatives record their memories for future generations is wonderful. As the family historian and genealogist, I know how valuable these personal histories can be.
However, I'm asking you to remind your readers that magnetic media are surprisingly fragile. Recording artists and engineers have gone back to the studio only to discover that tapes made as recently as 30 years ago are flaking away and worthless. Cassette tapes that sit on a shelf untouched for decades develop "dropouts" for no reason. Media preferences change, too -- many children growing up today have no idea what to do with a vinyl phonograph record, and the same fate could befall today's audio- and videocassettes.
By all means, have Aunt Edna record her history. But if she gives you an audio recording, make sure you transcribe it right away as a backup. And if you use a word processor, print the file. A computer file will last only as long as today's word processor, and the hard drive is a magnetic medium as well, making it as vulnerable as audiotape. The paper might yellow, but it stands a better chance of surviving the centuries than tapes and computer disks.
And while you're printing the file, make several copies and send them to various relatives who might also be interested in saving them for posterity. Some will inevitably be destroyed, but the more copies that are made, the more likely one will be preserved. -- CHARLES O'REILLY, RUTHERFORD, N.J.
DEAR CHARLES: I hope families who are interested in preserving their family histories will take your advice. Technology has taken a giant leap in the last 100 years. It's ironic, however, that the most reliable way of preserving the information is still on paper -- a "technology" that was perfected 2,000 years ago.
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, you had two quotations concerning "you know you are getting old when --." You might be interested in the one my brother uses:
"You know you're getting old when the policeman on the corner looks like a teen-ager." -- EDSON M. TENNANT, BYRON, CALIF.
DEAR EDSON: Right. And I have another one for you: "You know you're getting old when the derelicts look young."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)