What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man Devoted to Dead Wife Should Enjoy Living Instead
DEAR ABBY: A woman wrote you to complain about her gentleman friend who continued to put flowers on the grave of his deceased wife. You told her that her gentleman friend's devotion to the memory of his deceased wife had nothing to do with his relationship with the writer, unless she chose to regard it as a competition.
Excuse me, Abby, a year or two -- or even three years of devotion for your deceased is great. However, he chose this woman to live with and have a relationship with him now. It looks to me like he wasn't yet ready to join the living, and his choice was premature. Had he come upon me at this time and tried to pull that, I would have told him there was "no room at the inn" yet for the living.
You call it "devotion." I call it feelings of guilt. If I were the woman who wrote to you, I would have moved out that first year. Of course, she won't do that. She thinks she has too many years invested in the relationship. I would move out -- and when he needs some loving company or someone to cook for him, I would tell him to eat flowers or go see his beloved for sex. He certainly does not know how to treat the living. I suspect that is why he is still grieving. -- LIKES THE LIVING IN OHIO
DEAR LIKES THE LIVING: I still prefer to call it devotion. Because a person dies does not mean that the love for that person dies with him or her. Nor should it. Read on for a different view:
DEAR ABBY: I just finished the letter from the girlfriend who was upset that her shack-up boyfriend still put flowers on his deceased wife's grave. How DARE she feel this way?
I married my husband only three months after his wife passed on. She died unexpectedly of a heart attack. I put flowers on his wife's grave three or four times a year -- on their wedding anniversary and her birthday for sure. They are a token of my respect for her. I feel a grave without flowers is sad. Flowers show that someone still remembers.
I knew going into this relationship that he would always feel love for her. Just because someone passes on you can't turn the feelings on and off like a light switch! When it is his time to go, I'll have him buried next to his first wife, as he wishes. I am making payment on the plot next to his. My husband is a special man, and he has been blessed with the love of TWO good women who have and continue to adore him. -- SECOND ROMANCE IN ARKANSAS
DEAR SECOND ROMANCE: He is, indeed, a lucky man to have found such a secure and caring woman as you with whom to share his life. Anyone who sets up a competition with someone who is deceased can only lose, because the "ghost" is often perceived to have no faults by the surviving spouse. Respecting the memory of the deceased together can be a powerful bond.
DEAR ABBY: Is it appropriate to wear velvet after the Christmas holidays? Also, my new husband and I exchanged many gifts with my family and my new in-laws -- should we send thank-yous for each? -- WANT TO DO WHAT'S RIGHT
DEAR WANT TO: Velvet is fine in cold weather and certainly acceptable to wear after the holidays.
By all means, send a personal thank-you to each person who gave you a gift -- you want to start your marriage off on the right foot. His family, and yours, will be impressed that you both married courteous and thoughtful people.
Doing Right Thing Doesn't Necessarily Mean Marriage
DEAR ABBY: I have a son who met a girl at work. One thing led to another, and now she is pregnant. This relationship is about two months old.
He has told me on several occasions that he does not love her but wants to do the "right" thing. Should a man marry just to give the child a name when in reality he would rather not? -- SOON TO BE A GRANDPA
DEAR SOON: Doing the "right" thing does not necessarily mean marrying a girl he doesn't love and impregnated accidentally. There are other ways your son can fulfill his obligation. If your son is certain that he is the father, his name can be put on the baby's birth certificate -- which means he will be obligated to provide child support until the child reaches adulthood.
Perhaps when your son and this girl get to know each other better, they will decide they care enough about each other to make a lifetime commitment. But to marry in haste would, in my opinion, only compound their mistake.
DEAR ABBY: "Harriet From Tampa's" advice about having elderly relatives record their memories for future generations is wonderful. As the family historian and genealogist, I know how valuable these personal histories can be.
However, I'm asking you to remind your readers that magnetic media are surprisingly fragile. Recording artists and engineers have gone back to the studio only to discover that tapes made as recently as 30 years ago are flaking away and worthless. Cassette tapes that sit on a shelf untouched for decades develop "dropouts" for no reason. Media preferences change, too -- many children growing up today have no idea what to do with a vinyl phonograph record, and the same fate could befall today's audio- and videocassettes.
By all means, have Aunt Edna record her history. But if she gives you an audio recording, make sure you transcribe it right away as a backup. And if you use a word processor, print the file. A computer file will last only as long as today's word processor, and the hard drive is a magnetic medium as well, making it as vulnerable as audiotape. The paper might yellow, but it stands a better chance of surviving the centuries than tapes and computer disks.
And while you're printing the file, make several copies and send them to various relatives who might also be interested in saving them for posterity. Some will inevitably be destroyed, but the more copies that are made, the more likely one will be preserved. -- CHARLES O'REILLY, RUTHERFORD, N.J.
DEAR CHARLES: I hope families who are interested in preserving their family histories will take your advice. Technology has taken a giant leap in the last 100 years. It's ironic, however, that the most reliable way of preserving the information is still on paper -- a "technology" that was perfected 2,000 years ago.
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, you had two quotations concerning "you know you are getting old when --." You might be interested in the one my brother uses:
"You know you're getting old when the policeman on the corner looks like a teen-ager." -- EDSON M. TENNANT, BYRON, CALIF.
DEAR EDSON: Right. And I have another one for you: "You know you're getting old when the derelicts look young."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cousin's Cutting Remarks May Sever Troublesome Family Tie
DEAR ABBY: I'm at my wit's end. My cousin "Sheila" and I are very close. She lives around the corner and comes over almost daily to play with my 20-month-old daughter, "Megan." The problem is, Sheila says unkind things about Megan's behavior, such as, "Evidently those child-rearing books you read haven't worked," or, "If you can't control her at 20 months, how will you control her when she's a teen-ager?" The worst is, "You know, I have a love/hate relationship with Megan -- I really love her, but after a while I can't stand being around her."
Megan likes to squeal. She sometimes cries a little too loudly and doesn't always want to share her toys, but my husband and I try to discipline her. The rest of our friends and family members think she is well-behaved, and many of them think the problem is with Sheila. They say they've seen her encourage Megan to act wildly just to see what my husband and I would do.
I love my cousin, and Megan loves her, too. However, I'm not sure whether or not I should put some distance between us. Sheila is very sensitive, and the last time I spoke to her about this, she wouldn't talk to me for a week. Megan is attached to Sheila, and I am not sure I should jeopardize their relationship. Please help. -- MEGAN'S MOM IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR MOM: Something is wrong with an adult who derives pleasure from getting a child in trouble. If it continues, your daughter will never know where she stands with this immature and somewhat sadistic individual.
Tell Sheila to stop popping in and out of your home dispensing unkind and unasked-for observations about your child-rearing ability. If she wants to be part of your daughter's life, she should start giving Megan "unconditional love" -- or stay home.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 26-year-old former college soccer player, now coaching a girls' high school team in California. This is my first coaching job, and for some reason, some of the girls on the team are flirting with me and being very suggestive.
When a girl gives me "that look," I am both troubled and excited at the same time. I want to maintain my professional coaching relationship, but it's becoming very difficult. Do you or any of your readers have any suggestions? I have heard about coaches becoming involved with the athletes. -- TEMPTED
DEAR TEMPTED: If I were you, I'd keep one eye on the ball, the other on the scoreboard, and if one of these young women makes another pass, tell her she's out of bounds and if it happens again, she'll be benched and reported to the principal.
If the temptation is too much for you, I recommend a cold shower and reassignment to a boys' soccer team. These girls are minors, and you are in a position of trust and authority. Involvement with a student could destroy the rest of your professional life.
DEAR ABBY: What is the correct time limit to send out a thank-you note? Is a month sufficient? I am talking about holiday gifts. Thanks! -- RUNNING BEHIND IN ST. CHARLES, LA.
DEAR RUNNING BEHIND: The sooner the better! Certainly no later than a month. And that goes for all gifts -- so get moving!
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)