For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Life With Disabled Daughters Was Filled With Sweet Sorrow
DEAR ABBY: We have read the poignant essay "Welcome to Holland" in your column several times. It's the metaphorical account of the shock a mother received upon discovering her beloved baby had been born with Down syndrome.
She likened the experience -- and the events leading up to it -- to the carefully laid plans for a fabulous vacation in Italy. "You plan for months," she says, "and when the time finally comes and your plane lands, the flight attendant says, 'Welcome to Holland.'" Those of us who have parented children born with birth defects are all too familiar with the shock the writer felt when she learned she was one of us -- her plans for an "Italian vacation" would never be.
Mrs. Kingsley wisely decided that if you have to face a fate that cannot be changed, you'd best make the most of it. "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade."
Well, please welcome us back from Holland! Our first daughter was born with epidermolysis bulosa, an extremely rare and debilitating skin condition that causes the skin to break into blisters. As the blisters slowly heal and break down again, they leave scars similar to those caused by a third-degree burn. Most victims go through life with a sizable part of their body swathed in bandages. Our daughter also lost an arm above the elbow to skin cancer.
Eleven years later, our second daughter was born with the same affliction. She lost a leg above the knee.
Both girls went through public schools and on to college. One became a state champion debater; the other went to state competitions in choir. We tried to be faithful stewards of the precious lives God had entrusted to our care -- binding up their wounds and shielding them from the assaults of the world.
Four years ago, Tana, our older daughter, embarked on her final journey -- she went home at age 50. A few months ago, her younger sister, Darla, went to be with her. She was 42.
We don't regret our decision to stay in Holland. We know we filled the needs of two beautiful children who, but for us, might have fared even worse in this world than they did. We have over a half-century of wonderful memories -- and we have each other.
To prospective parents, we can only say we hope you get to make it to Italy. However, if you don't -- Holland's not the worst place in the world. Much depends on your perspective.
God bless you, Emily Perl Kingsley, for your courage and willingness to share. God bless you, Abby, for providing the forum. -- BILL AND JEANNE MAULTSBY, ORANGE, TEXAS
DEAR BILL AND JEANNE: I cried when I read your poignant letter. It proves the truth of the saying that regardless of what we think, God doesn't make our path steeper than we can climb. I'm glad that you have each other. You deserve each other -- and that's the highest compliment I can pay.
Old Fashioned Table Manners Should Still Be in Style Today
DEAR ABBY: Oh, my gosh -- the letter from Bob Buckles' mom listing the rules for good table manners was the best! What a great woman. She included everything you need to survive a social dinner anywhere.
I am a social phobic -- there, I've said it out loud. And those rules will help me remember what to do. In case I missed a rule or two while raising my girls, I'll pass that list along. You can be sure it'll be posted on my fridge. Thank you, Bob -- and thanks to you, Mom. And thank you too, Abby. -- CHERI IN GIG HARBOR, WASH.
DEAR CHERI: Thank YOU. Mrs. Buckles' list of table manners generated still more of them. It's a subject people can sink their teeth into. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: People chomping on their food with open mouths is a pet peeve of mine. It is disgusting.
May I add a 21st suggestion to Mrs. Buckles' 20? "Keep your mouth closed when chewing your food, lest you resemble a cow chewing its cud." -- WESLEY WOOD, MELBOURNE, FLA.
DEAR WESLEY: Your pet peeve is shared by many others. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: May I offer another rule for Mrs. Buckles? It is: Remove your hat before sitting down at the table. This includes BASEBALL CAPS! -- NANCY IN HAMMONDSVILLE, OHIO
DEAR NANCY: You're right -- in polite society the hat should come off, unless it's there for religious reasons. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The list of table manners was great! I'd like to add a few of my own bugaboos:
(1) Wash your hands before you're asked to sit down at the table.
(2) Be sure your hosts know about any dietary requirements well BEFORE the meal.
(3) Spoon up and out of a serving dish instead of shoveling the food over the edge to the plate.
(4) Don't feed the dog under the table. -- ANOTHER MOTHER, PHOENIX
DEAR A.M.: Excellent suggestions. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Mrs. Buckles' rules were the same ones my parents raised me with in the 1960s and '70s. I would like to add one other: Eat whatever the host has prepared, NO MATTER WHAT. If you're not sure you'll like it, take only a small portion. That way no food will be wasted.
Because of that rule, I have tasted many foods I might have refused to try -- and my opinions are based on experience, not ignorance. -- KERRY MERRILL, MIKANA, WIS.
DEAR KERRY: Very sensible! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Reading the letter from Bob Buckles, I thought how much I would enjoy spending Thanksgiving with my children and their families. I wouldn't care where or how we ate, as long as we could be together.
We were "transplanted" away from our home and family in 1981. We have spent Thanksgiving with them only once in nearly 20 years. Holidays away from home and family aren't easy. Ask anyone whose job has taken them to other places, and I'll bet they would trade all of Helen's "rules" for a loving family dinner.
It makes me appreciate all the more what our armed forces -- who are away from home for our benefit -- do for us. -- ALSO A MOTHER, BUT NOT PICKY, GRAYSON, GA.
DEAR ALSO: I appreciate your sentiments, but I can't help but conclude that there isn't one "right" answer here. You and Mrs. Buckles both have a point.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Clean Hands Are First Line of Defense to Fight Off Colds
DEAR ABBY: Christmas came early last year: Our copier repairman at work gave me his cold. I spent Christmas Eve and Day with my cat, because I dared not inflict my cold on my elderly parents.
Abby, please remind your readers to cover their mouths when coughing or sneezing. A big thank-you. Sign me ... AAACHOO!
DEAR AAACHOO: You're welcome. (Gesundheit!)
As important as covering one's mouth when coughing or sneezing may be, it is equally important for EVERYONE to frequently wash their hands during cold season. Contrary to popular belief that colds are caught from germs flying through the air, more colds are caught because people cough and sneeze into their hands, and then touch objects that are touched by others (door handles, elevator buttons, stair rails, telephones). When their contaminated fingers touch their eyes or noses -- THAT is how colds are transmitted.
Frequent hand-washing (or sanitizing) is the best defense. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: As we all know the importance of washing our hands because illness can be transmitted by touching our eyes, nose and mouth, it amazes me that strangers have an uncontrollable desire to test a newborn infant's hand grasp. Don't they know that babies comfort themselves by putting their hands into their mouths?
It's flu season, Abby, so please ask your readers to try to keep their hands to themselves when they see a baby. Only their smiles, coos and kind words are appreciated by their parents. -- CALIFORNIA MOTHER OF TWO
DEAR MOTHER OF TWO: That makes good sense to me. Although tiny babies are almost irresistible, adults must bear in mind that the immune systems of infants are fragile, and make the effort to lessen their exposure to illnesses they may be ill-equipped to fight off.
DEAR ABBY: Why is it that after a couple has dated for more than two years, everyone assumes that they are ready to get married and that the woman is anxiously holding her breath waiting for the ring?
I am 31 years old and have been in a relationship for three years. While we are very happy, we feel we still need time before moving on to the next step. It amazes me when family and friends chastise my boyfriend and pity me because I haven't been so "lucky" as to have gotten engaged.
Abby, please tell people that it's NOT OK to assume every woman is dying to get married. I find this degrading and old-fashioned. I realize that everyone has good intentions, but if one more person asks me when he's finally going to pop the question, I just might "pop" that person. -- HAPPILY DATING IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR HAPPILY DATING: Before popping off, please consider that your family and friends are traditional thinkers. Your attitude is extremely contemporary. Until the last 15 or 20 years, it was most women's dream to be married -- and if they were in a steady relationship for more than two years without a commitment, the problem often was that the boyfriend was unwilling.
Years ago, girls used to dream about a little white house with a picket fence. Now, they're likely to dream about a corporate office with a couple of windows.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)