Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Parents Who Married Young Warn Their Children to Wait
DEAR ABBY: I am 18 and have been seeing a 21-year-old college man for the past two years. Both of us were the products of teen-age marriages. Our parents met in high school, married shortly thereafter, and had children in their 20s. Our parents are happy and have stayed together. However, both sets of parents have tried to "warn" us not to be tied down so young; that we should have more experience before selecting a mate. It's like they are saying, "Don't do what we did."
My boyfriend and I have discussed this and decided we're very happy together. I don't see the point in playing the field when I am already with the man I wholeheartedly love and enjoy.
Are our parents bestowing their wisdom upon us -- or are they voicing midlife regret? -- DONE SHOPPING
DEAR DONE SHOPPING: Probably a little of both. Your parents are also conveying an important message. People grow and change as they mature. What attracts someone as a teen-ager may not seem as important at 35. That's why I advise couples to wait until they have completed their educations and are self-supporting before they marry.
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 years old and looking for a girlfriend. I can wash up -- dress up -- but when it comes to asking a girl out, I choke up.
When I see a girl, I turn red and run the other way. What should I do? -- FEELING BLUE IN SOUTH DAKOTA
DEAR FEELING BLUE: Most people your age feel awkward asking for that "first date," so forget about it for a while. You've placed too great an importance on "dating" and psyched yourself out.
Get involved in clubs or activities that appeal to both sexes. Learn to be part of a group of friends. Start making casual conversations with girls you like. Examples: Talk about the weather, a recent news event, a classroom assignment, or a new movie opening this weekend. Maybe she and others would like to see it, too.
If she doesn't want to go -- or has other plans -- don't take it personally. Ask another girl. Suggest some other activity. Soon you will be part of a group, feeling more comfortable and less shy.
Then, when you want a date for a school dance or sporting event, you'll naturally ask someone you've gotten to know, and you won't turn red and run away again. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: The other night I went out alone to eat at a national seafood chain restaurant. I took along my newspaper, and as I sat there reading, with my paper spread out across the table, it occurred to me that what I was doing might be considered bad manners.
I'm pretty sure that reading a newspaper at the table in a diner or fast-food restaurant is permissible. But how about at an upscale restaurant? Can I read Dear Abby anywhere? -- WILLIAM IN GLENDALE, CALIF.
DEAR WILLIAM: As far as I'm concerned, you may read my column anywhere, anytime -- and I'll defend to the end your right to do it. However, sometimes it's not what you say or what you do, but how you do it. If you're eating alone in an upscale restaurant, instead of spreading the newspaper like a blanket over the tablecloth, fold it neatly and inconspicuously and enjoy it. That way there will be fewer smudges from the newsprint -- and no dirty looks coming your way.
It's for Your Benefit That Earnings History Is Correct
DEAR ABBY: I recently received a Social Security statement of earnings, going back to the beginning of my work history in 1958. When I read it, I realized that one employer never reported my earnings during the four years I worked for him at two different companies. He told me it made no difference because Social Security uses only the last eight quarters to determine what would be available when I retire. Wrong!
I contacted Social Security and told them there was a mistake in my statement. (Luckily I had not thrown out any of my 1040s or W-2s.) They advised me how to correct the statement of earnings, and within two weeks I received a correction.
My advice to everyone who is employed: Save all your 1040s and W-2s, and check the statement you receive from Social Security to be certain all your income was reported. -- ANNETTE M. ZELKO, WEST CLARKSVILLE, N.Y.
DEAR ANNETTE: This year the Social Security Administration (SSA) has begun sending annual statements to workers age 25 and over who are not currently receiving benefits. These statements include the worker's Social Security-covered earnings history and estimates of future benefits.
Although there was a time when only certain work quarters were considered in determining benefits, the rules have changed, so it is important to be certain your statements are a true reflection of your earnings and the taxes withheld for Social Security. It's easier to correct errors when they are fresh and you have the forms to prove your earnings. For more information, call (800) 772-1213 or visit www.ssa.gov.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Pamela in Slidell, La.," who was upset about parents in her neighborhood allowing toddlers to play in the street, prompts me to write about my mother's experience with a young, supervised child -- me. When I was 4, we were going to the barber shop for my haircut. I was riding my tricycle; my mother was pushing my baby brother in a pram. We were on the sidewalk and came to a short driveway, when I thoughtlessly pedaled down it and straight into the path of a pickup truck. The elderly man who was driving couldn't stop in time. He hit me and both my legs were broken! The driver was devastated. I'm told he came to the hospital every day to see me. He told my parents he would never drive again.
The point being: Even SUPERVISED children can get hurt. A neighborhood street is never a place for small children to play. Too many things can go wrong. What happened to me occurred 54 years ago, when there were fewer vehicles on the roads, and even fewer teen-agers with their own cars racing up and down the streets. Those parents in Pamela's neighborhood would be sick and angry if one of those children were hurt -- even if it wasn't their fault.
I hope this letter isn't too long. I just had to comment. -- DOUGLAS M. PHILLIPS, FORT MYERS, FLA.
DEAR DOUGLAS: Too long? It's just the right length if it causes just one preoccupied parent to take a moment to see what his or her unsupervised child is doing.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Groomsman's Abuse of Wife Knocks Wedding for a Loop
DEAR ABBY: I'm planning my wedding for the spring of next year. My fiance has lined up his groomsmen. I still have two more bridesmaids to ask. Unfortunately, there is a problem.
My fiance's brother (who is one of his groomsmen) hit his wife in the face with his fist, breaking blood vessels and leaving terrible bruises around her eyes. I do not approve of this violent behavior and told my fiance that I do not want his brother in our wedding.
My fiance is leaving it up to me to tell him because we're not supposed to know about this horrible "family secret." What should I do, Abby? Make up something -- or let him be in the wedding anyway? I don't want to start our marriage off with tension between me and my new in-laws. -- WANTS EVERYTHING PEACHY IN GEORGIA
DEAR WANTS EVERYTHING PEACHY: This is more advice than you asked for, but before you make any more wedding plans, you'd be wise to find out much more about this "family secret." How long has there been a history of violence in the family? Did your fiance grow up in a home where it was normal? Was he beaten as a child? If the answer to those questions is yes, you and he have serious issues to work out before you marry.
If it turns out that wife-beating is a trait unique to your brother-in-law, your fiance should insist he seek professional counseling and attend anger management classes before the wedding. The responsibility for dealing with this troubled man belongs to your fiance. It should not be delegated to you.
DEAR ABBY: Having read the column of reader reaction to the 52-year-old woman who wondered if she should marry the older man, I would like to comment. I speak from experience. I, too, am 52, and have been married to a 70-year-old man for 2 1/2 years. What happiness! He is not old ... he is "old enough":
Old enough to appreciate and accommodate our differences, as well as our shared views and habits.
Old enough to be truly patient with my faults.,
Old enough to lovingly accept my aging body.
Old enough to manage our finances wisely.
Old enough to encourage me to maintain contact with longtime friends.
Old enough to never feel threatened by the independence he gives me.
And caring enough to unselfishly prepare my meals almost daily because I must still work. (Oh, how I look forward to going home for lunch each day, and how precious to return to him after work each evening!)
Abby, marrying him was the best decision I ever made. -- B.M.P. IN OLATHE, KAN.
DEAR B.M.P.: What a beautiful tribute to your husband. I couldn't resist setting it up as the love poem that it is. May you enjoy many happy, healthy years together.
DEAR ABBY: During my grandson's third birthday party last weekend, he became agitated and cranky. Some of the adult guests called him "monster," "brat" and "Satan."
I have heard him called these names before under similar circumstances, but this time I lost it! I'm afraid I made a scene -- partly because I feel that name-calling is verbal abuse, and it can have long-lasting effects on someone so young.
Abby, was I wrong? I should add that 99 percent of the time, my grandson is extremely well-behaved and a happy, polite and well-adjusted child. -- WISCONSIN GRANDMA
DEAR WISCONSIN GRANDMA: You were not wrong to defend your grandson. However, you were wrong to have allowed yourself to have "lost it." There is now no doubt who the little boy takes after.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)