For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Groomsman's Abuse of Wife Knocks Wedding for a Loop
DEAR ABBY: I'm planning my wedding for the spring of next year. My fiance has lined up his groomsmen. I still have two more bridesmaids to ask. Unfortunately, there is a problem.
My fiance's brother (who is one of his groomsmen) hit his wife in the face with his fist, breaking blood vessels and leaving terrible bruises around her eyes. I do not approve of this violent behavior and told my fiance that I do not want his brother in our wedding.
My fiance is leaving it up to me to tell him because we're not supposed to know about this horrible "family secret." What should I do, Abby? Make up something -- or let him be in the wedding anyway? I don't want to start our marriage off with tension between me and my new in-laws. -- WANTS EVERYTHING PEACHY IN GEORGIA
DEAR WANTS EVERYTHING PEACHY: This is more advice than you asked for, but before you make any more wedding plans, you'd be wise to find out much more about this "family secret." How long has there been a history of violence in the family? Did your fiance grow up in a home where it was normal? Was he beaten as a child? If the answer to those questions is yes, you and he have serious issues to work out before you marry.
If it turns out that wife-beating is a trait unique to your brother-in-law, your fiance should insist he seek professional counseling and attend anger management classes before the wedding. The responsibility for dealing with this troubled man belongs to your fiance. It should not be delegated to you.
DEAR ABBY: Having read the column of reader reaction to the 52-year-old woman who wondered if she should marry the older man, I would like to comment. I speak from experience. I, too, am 52, and have been married to a 70-year-old man for 2 1/2 years. What happiness! He is not old ... he is "old enough":
Old enough to appreciate and accommodate our differences, as well as our shared views and habits.
Old enough to be truly patient with my faults.,
Old enough to lovingly accept my aging body.
Old enough to manage our finances wisely.
Old enough to encourage me to maintain contact with longtime friends.
Old enough to never feel threatened by the independence he gives me.
And caring enough to unselfishly prepare my meals almost daily because I must still work. (Oh, how I look forward to going home for lunch each day, and how precious to return to him after work each evening!)
Abby, marrying him was the best decision I ever made. -- B.M.P. IN OLATHE, KAN.
DEAR B.M.P.: What a beautiful tribute to your husband. I couldn't resist setting it up as the love poem that it is. May you enjoy many happy, healthy years together.
DEAR ABBY: During my grandson's third birthday party last weekend, he became agitated and cranky. Some of the adult guests called him "monster," "brat" and "Satan."
I have heard him called these names before under similar circumstances, but this time I lost it! I'm afraid I made a scene -- partly because I feel that name-calling is verbal abuse, and it can have long-lasting effects on someone so young.
Abby, was I wrong? I should add that 99 percent of the time, my grandson is extremely well-behaved and a happy, polite and well-adjusted child. -- WISCONSIN GRANDMA
DEAR WISCONSIN GRANDMA: You were not wrong to defend your grandson. However, you were wrong to have allowed yourself to have "lost it." There is now no doubt who the little boy takes after.
Mothers Will Give Thanks for Good Manners at Meals
DEAR ABBY: After Thanksgiving in 1972, my mother, Helen Buckles, sent a letter to all her children. She was unhappy about the way we had behaved. I thought your readers might want to "review it" before this Thanksgiving! -- BOB BUCKLES, DOWNEY, CALIF.
DEAR BOB: Thanksgiving? They might want to review it before dinner tonight! Your dear mother did you "kids" a big favor. Read on:
"It was brought to my attention Thanksgiving Day that I had failed to teach you, my children, certain rules of table manners. Lest you go through life in such a state, I will now try to rectify my gross error by setting down for you a few simple rules:
"Remember, table manners, as all other kinds of manners, have as their basis consideration for others.
"1. Come to the table promptly when the hostess calls you. Food tastes better when it is hot.
"2. Sit at the table with the four legs of the chair flat on the floor. Sit straight, with your feet in front of you.
"3. Sit quietly with your hands in your lap until after the blessing or until the hostess starts passing the food.
"4. Wait for the food to be passed to you.
"5. As soon as the food is passed to you, take some and pass it on. Never leave a serving dish beside your plate. Wait until all of the food has been offered before you begin to eat.
"6. Never butter your bread directly from the butter dish. Put butter on your butter plate, break the bread apart, and spread.
"7. Do not talk with your mouth full.
"8. Do not make biological noises or blow your nose at the table.
"9. Keep your elbows off the table and one hand in your lap.
"10. Never wave silverware around while you're eating.
"11. Do not use your finger to push food onto your utensil.
"12. Do not lick your fingers or wipe your hands on the tablecloth.
"13. Don't stuff your mouth with food. Make use of your napkin so you don't offend others with half-chewed food oozing out the corners of your mouth and down your chin.
"14. Keep the conversation pleasant.
"15. Allow your hostess plenty of time to finish her meal before serving dessert.
"16. After the main meal is over, help clear the table before dessert is served. Leave the water glasses, cups and saucers.
"17. Never pick up a dessert dish and hold it in your hand while you eat.
"18. Never eat and run. Remain at the table until the hostess suggests you go elsewhere. Children may ask to be excused.
"19. Offer to help with the dishes. In a very formal atmosphere this would not be true, but in most cases it's acceptable. Don't insist on helping if the hostess doesn't want help.
"20. Always thank the hostess for the invitation. If you can honestly do so, compliment her on the cooking.
"Love, Mother."
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Outdated Mailing Lists Add Insult to Injury of Son's Loss
DEAR ABBY: I need to vent my frustration over two ludicrous and painful incidents that have occurred since my 21-year-old son, "John," passed away from cancer in 1994.
The oncology doctor who treated John and signed his death certificate moved to a new office in 1996. His staff then sent a "new address" notice -- addressed to our son.
I can top that. This week, we received a "relocation" notice from the mortuary that handled John's funeral. This, too, was addressed to John!
I can handle the music and video club mailings addressed to my son, even though I've written them numerous times informing them of John's death, but I never felt I needed to ask an oncology doctor or mortuary to remove my son's name from their list.
Don't mailing lists ever get updated or destroyed? -- JOHN'S MOTHER IN ALBUQUERQUE
DEAR MOM: You have my sympathy for your painful predicament. Although we know that no one lives forever -- immortality may indeed exist on hard-drives and computer discs.
Although mailing lists should be updated yearly, it's a task that often gets put on the back burner because of work overload. If you receive any more of these mailings, just toss them.
DEAR ABBY: What's the deal with women today? Why are we so neurotic and insecure when it comes to men?
I am a woman who happens to have many male friends. When one of them gets a girlfriend, she will watch me like a hawk and become angry if I say or do the "wrong" thing around him.
When one of my female friends gets a boyfriend, she'll drop "subtle" hints to me to stay away from her man and focus on my own relationships.
Abby, I am in no way a slut or a man-stealer, nor do I act, dress or give the impression that I am. None of the men I know perceives me this way, either. So I return to my original question: What's the deal with women today? -- STAMP OUT PARANOIA, PALMDALE, CALIF.
DEAR STAMP OUT: Jealousy and insecurity are one-size-fits-all clothes -- and they are worn by both men and women. They are flattering on neither, but they've been around since we were cave dwellers. And I agree, their place is on the rag pile.
DEAR ABBY: I am expecting my first child in a few months. A close friend is throwing a baby shower, which I am not supposed to know about.
I moved to the East Coast about 10 years ago, but I am originally from the Midwest. Many family members and friends still live there.
Would it be tacky to send them a baby shower invitation, or should I just send out a birth announcement? Or can I do both? I am not sure of the proper etiquette.
I still keep in touch with everyone and don't expect them to travel east for the shower. On the other hand, I know some of them would like to be informed of events surrounding the baby's arrival. My mother told me many of my relatives want to send gifts. Please help. -- FIRST-TIME MOM
DEAR FIRST-TIME MOM: Forgo sending shower invitations to anyone who is not expected to attend. It would appear to be a blatant bid for gifts. Since you're still in touch with everyone, the news is out about your pregnancy. Send a birth announcement after your baby arrives. And by the way -- congratulations!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)