Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Man Objecting to Foul Words Gets Double Dose of 'Air Rage'
DEAR ABBY: After many hours of delays and waiting, my parents and I finally got on a plane to return home. When the flight landed, we sat on the runway for almost an hour waiting for a gate to open up. A man in the row behind us turned on his cell phone and called someone explaining the situation, using the "F" word in between just about every word he said. He was standing in the aisle and his voice was loud.
My father turned and said, "Excuse me, but there are women and children on this plane. Would you mind watching your language, please?" The man became belligerent and said, "No one could hear me!" Then my mother piped up, "I could hear you." Someone traveling with this foul-mouthed person turned to my father and said, "You don't know who you are messing with!" Next thing I knew, another person involved himself, verbally abusing and threatening my father. The flight attendant just stood there and watched the entire episode without saying a word.
Abby, the exchange left me feeling that there is no common decency left in this world. Instead of saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was talking so loud," or, "I apologize for using that language in front of your wife and daughter," he looked for an excuse. Whatever happened to having respect for those around you when you're in public? Are we supposed to tolerate anything and everything that comes our way, and refrain from standing up for what is right, for fear of an altercation? Was my father wrong to turn and say what was on his mind? -- SICK OF DISRESPECT IN DALLAS
DEAR SICK: Your father wasn't wrong to speak up. However, he did take a chance of sparking an altercation. The man behind him may have been drunk as well as belligerent. The seat companion who pointed out that your father "didn't know who he was messing with," was right. The man could have had serious mental problems or a record of violent crime as long as your father's arm.
In years past, people followed certain rules of behavior in public. In the last few years, we have become aware of violent outbursts on aircraft. In response, strict penalties have been put into effect for passengers who cannot control their behavior. Perhaps the rules should be broadened to include people who turn the air around them blue with profanity.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful guy for almost three months. We fell madly in love almost immediately, and have been having a great time ever since. He recently gave me a "promise ring" -- a promise that he will ask me to marry him.
I love the idea, but I have one problem. It fits my ring finger, but I don't know which hand to wear it on. Do you have any suggestions? I don't want to commit a faux pas by wearing it on the wrong hand, yet I would like it to be obvious that I am spoken for. -- JANELLE IN SOLANA BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR JANELLE: If you want to communicate the idea that you are spoken for, I can't think of a better way to communicate that fact than by wearing the promise ring on the third finger of your left hand.
Man Strains to See Beyond Wife's Long Ago Infidelity
DEAR ABBY: A year and a half ago, my wife of 18 years confessed to an infidelity I had feared in the back of my mind all along. In our second year together, I was in the military. We were stationed overseas. We had a small group of friends -- couples and singles -- who partied three or four nights a week. We never allowed the parties to get too crazy, but occasionally someone would sleep overnight on our couch if they weren't sober enough to drive home.
One evening I returned from work very tired, and after a few beers, I retired early. A few friends were still hanging around, but were leaving soon. It happened in the adjacent room with one of my best friends, while our 2-year-old and I slept.
Since I found out the truth, I have experienced all of the emotions -- betrayal, sadness, shock, hatred, anxiety, denial, etc. After talking to two family counselors, three preachers, a psychiatrist, my parents, God, reading tons of books, fishing, taking countless long walks trying to reason why -- and finally attempting to talk to her alone -- what else can I do? (She refuses to discuss it further.) It still bothers me every single day. There has to be some relief from this continuous bad feeling I am trying desperately to get rid of.
Nothing has worked so far. I don't want to say divorce is the answer, because this happened so long ago. However, at times, it seems like it happened yesterday.
Once again, what else can I do? -- LIVING IN A GRAY WORLD
DEAR LIVING: Learning that your wife committed adultery once, 18 years ago, must have come as a terrible blow -- even though you had your suspicions. It is not surprising you have experienced all the emotions that come with the death of your illusions.
However, if you want your marriage to heal, it's time to stop concentrating on the past and devote your energies toward rebuilding. This may include accepting some of the responsibility for having made your home "party central" while you were stationed abroad. It's the quickest way I can think of to stop viewing yourself as a victim, and that, I suspect, is what is prolonging your depression.
By now, you've gathered a lot of advice from two family counselors, three preachers, a psychiatrist, your parents, God and self-help books. (You may have even written to more than one advice columnist!) Consider this: Marriages take work on the part of both spouses. You and your wife have nearly two decades invested in each other. Unless you're willing to forgive your wife her long past indiscretion and allow some joy back in your lives, your marriage is already finished, and you might as well move on. Which is more important to you -- hanging onto your anger and disappointment or your marriage?
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married on a four-day cruise to Mexico. We would like to invite many of our friends, but are unable to purchase all those tickets.
Is there an appropriate way to invite them to join us -- at their expense? -- EXCITED IN IOWA
DEAR EXCITED: Write your prospective guests a short note giving them the news of your upcoming nuptials. Explain that you would love to have them join you, but your budget does not permit you to pick up the tab. Include the name of your travel agent and the cruise line. If enough people are interested in booking passage, perhaps they can get a reduced rate.
P.S. Those who choose to attend will probably regard their presence as your wedding gift -- so forewarned is forearmed. Bon voyage! And I hope your marriage is smooth sailing.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
May December Romance Chills With Man's Increasing Infirmity
DEAR ABBY: I read with great interest the letter from "Confused in South Carolina," who, at the age of 52, had fallen in love with a 70-year-old man. I read her criteria for a "lifetime mate" and yes -- he certainly has wonderful qualities.
Let me share a real-life scenario: When my father was 70, he took up with a lovely, caring woman 21 years younger. They had a wonderful life together and enjoyed each other enormously, until my aging father began to have a series of strokes that slowly eroded their relationship.
With each stroke he became more dependent, belligerent and less able to continue doing the things they so enjoyed in the beginning of their courtship. She soon tired of playing nursemaid, and the relationship fell apart.
The only advice I can offer "Confused" is to go ahead with this love of hers. But do it knowing that when you take up with an elderly gentleman, your final days could be filled with attending to his basic needs. And believe me, that will be the true test of your love for him. -- DAUGHTER WHO KNOWS, RAPID CITY, S.D.
DEAR DAUGHTER: Your warning is sobering, but I'm pleased to report that of all the mail I received in response to that letter, your father's experience was in the distinct minority. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have a warning for "Confused in South Carolina." CAUTION: Marry this older man only if you can stand to be adored, admired and cherished as a lover and best friend. I should know. I followed my heart and married Rick, who was 19 years my senior. Abby, that was 21 years ago, and I have never been happier. -- SYLVIA CUMMINGS, L.A.
DEAR ABBY: I was 43 and my husband was 66 when we married. We had many happy years together and I would marry him again in a heartbeat. We both recognized that my husband would probably predecease me, and he was foresighted enough to make housing and financial arrangements for me after he was gone. If he hadn't, my stepchildren would have tossed me out immediately after the funeral.
If her intended has children, "Confused" should ensure that he has made suitable arrangements for her after he's gone. The first step would be a new will -- not necessarily excluding his children, but making sure she'll be provided for. -- TALLAHASSEE READER
DEAR ABBY: My wife of 32 years passed away in 1990. She had been manic depressive during most of the marriage, and it was no bed of roses. That same year I met the daughter of an old friend, and in 1992 she moved in with me. In 1993 we married. At the time she was 47 and I was 74. I am now 81 and she has reached the ripe old age of 54.
It has been a very successful marriage for both of us. I still work; she's a professional artist. We travel a lot (last year we went to China -- Gobi Desert and all). We share a common world view, a rich sense of humor and laugh a lot. I tell her every day how much I love her, and we both enjoy physical affection. I have been living in a state of euphoria the last eight years.
Of course, we both know that eventually Mother Nature will not be denied, but we're having a wonderful time. When my time comes I will go happily, and she'll have memories that will last the rest of her life. So, "Confused," get with it -- before it's too late! -- JOYFUL OCTOGENARIAN IN SAN FRANCISCO
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)