Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Is Grateful She Shared Words of Love With Her Dad
DEAR ABBY: Over the years you have printed many letters about the importance of telling the people you care about that you love them.
About four years ago, I took heed. When talking to my dad, with whom I was very close, I closed with, "I love you, Daddy." He seemed surprised, and then responded, "I love you, too, honey." From then on, every time I ended a conversation with my dad, we had the same exchange.
My dad went to sleep in his home last Nov. 26 and didn't wake up. I want you to know how grateful I am that you woke me up. You have no idea how comforting it is to know the last words we said to each other were those of love. Thank you, Abby, for waking me up before it was too late. -- BONNIE BARNETT, IRVING, TEXAS
DEAR BONNIE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the loss of your beloved father. I may have given you the message, but you had to be receptive and ready to hear it and take action.
It takes only a moment to say, "I love you," or to express appreciation. And as important as the spoken word is, the written word can be enjoyed over and over again. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The New Orleans reader who commented on a letter to a catering company brought back memories. Our son was active in a church youth group that needed an electrical modification in the room the group was using. He asked an electrical contractor in the church to do the work and later offered to pay. The contractor told him the work was gratis. Our son then wrote him a letter of thanks.
Two weeks later the contractor died of a heart attack. I spoke to his widow at the funeral. She told me her husband actually cried when he got my son's letter. He had done dozens of small jobs gratis at the church and was usually thanked with a word -- but that was the only time he ever got a letter of thanks.
Our son is now chairman of the department of religious studies at a large university. He certainly learned the importance of a written note. -- PAUL A. MILLER, WICHITA, KAN.
DEAR PAUL: You sound like a proud parent -- and you have every right to be. You raised an intelligent and considerate son.
DEAR ABBY: Many of us in our office are wondering about something that happened at our office Christmas luncheon. All the employees were given a $35 gift certificate for food from a local grocery store. We were then encouraged to give it to a local charity (no pressure, of course). A box was provided at the door for us to drop off our gift certificates for those less fortunate than ourselves.
We think it is inappropriate to give a gift and then suggest that it be donated. What do you think? -- THE OFFICE GANG
DEAR OFFICE GANG: I agree with you. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as he or she pleases. Regardless of how gently it was done, for a boss to "encourage" the employees to forgo the gift and make a donation was still arm-twisting. I'm all for charity -- but not when it's done in that manner.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Sensitive Nose in Garden Grove, Calif.," who complained because his seatmate on a plane wore too much perfume, I would like to share some advice my older sister gave me when I was a teen-ager.
I'm not sure who said it originally, but here's the quote: "A scent is not to be announced, but to be discovered." It's a guideline I use to this day when I apply my perfume. -- DIANE IN OMAHA
DEAR DIANE: I agree 100 percent with that philosophy. And it applies to men as well as women.
Host Confronts Latecomers, and Not a Moment Too Soon
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing concerning a problem I deal with all the time. We have relatives who can never be on time for anything. This is not a big deal at a barbecue, but for a sit-down holiday dinner it's a real headache.
Some of the actual comments I have received: "How late can I be before I inconvenience everyone?" "We'll be late -- hope your dinner won't be ruined." "Dinner at 4? We might make it by 4 or 5." "We can't make it that early. Back dinner off an hour, will you?"
I used to juggle the time around, trying to suit everyone, which is impossible. Or I would tell them that dinner was a half-hour earlier than it actually was. The late ones would STILL be late.
Finally, I had had it. I responded: "No, you won't ruin my dinner, because we are eating at 4." "Oh, you won't inconvenience anyone, because dinner is at 4, as planned." "You can't make it at that time? Sorry. We'll miss you."
Well, now I'm the villain! But only to the third of the family who is always late. The "late ones" were even late for their mother's surprise birthday party.
Abby, was I too rude, or were my assertive statements justified? -- IN THE DOGHOUSE
DEAR IN: It was rude of your chronically late relatives to demand that you put your dinner party on hold to suit their schedules. You were overdue in asserting yourself and issuing your "Declaration of No More Co-Dependence."
Rather than laying a guilt trip on you, the late-niks should have simply agreed to join you and the rest of the family for dessert and coffee -- and whatever was left of the leftovers.
DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to the item in your column that if the three wise men had been three wise women, they would have asked directions and arrived on time.
In the interest of historical accuracy, it should be pointed out that the three wise men DID ask directions -- from King Herod. It's possible that a great number of babies might have been spared if they hadn't. -- WILLIAM ROBINSON, SOLON MILLS, ILL.
DEAR WILLIAM: You are not the only person to point out that the feminist joke I printed was historically inaccurate. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: We had to write in response to the letter from the Burleson, Texas, reader. You need to study your Bible (Matthew, Chapter 2). The problem with the joke is that the three wise men DID ask for directions. As a result, Herod was tipped off to the birth of the Messiah, necessitating the flight of Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus to Egypt. It also caused the deaths of thousands of innocent children.
Little wonder that men have been afraid to ask for directions ever since. -- LLOYD AND KATHY RAPPLEYE, MESA, ARIZ.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Donor's Mother Finds Hope in Linking Living With Dying
DEAR ABBY: In 1989, my nephew Bryan and his fiancee were killed in an automobile accident. He was only 21 years old. My brother-in-law and sister were faced with that dreaded question, "Is your son an organ donor?" In fact, he was, and had discussed his wishes with his parents some time before the accident. As a result of Bryan's unselfishness, several people's pain was ended and their bodies were mended.
A couple of years later, my sister was asked by a nurse who worked in transplant services to speak to a group of medical professionals who deal with organ donation and donor families. She was told that they never had a problem getting a recipient to come and tell the story from that point of view, but it was rare to find a donor mom or dad who would discuss how being approached for donation had affected their lives and what it meant to them.
Those people wanted to know how she felt about what took place in that drab little room off to the side of the emergency room on the night her son died. They knew they would be faced with asking that question again and again, and wanted to know if she could give them a word of encouragement or correction to make them better equipped to help the next family. How could she refuse?
In the days to follow she wrestled with the thought of standing in front of a group of strangers and pouring out the horrible story. She decided she needed to jot down something that could be read for her in case she fell apart. In the space of an hour, the enclosed poem is what God's grace allowed her to express. Perhaps you will feel it's worth sharing with your readers. -- RON BELSHE, RICHARDSON, TEXAS
DEAR RON: I offer my condolences for the tragedy that took your nephew and his fiancee. Your sister's poem is certainly worthy of space in this column. Read on:
DON'T GIVE UP
by Becky Hanson
If you can swallow hard enough to push away the fear,
And say yes to the question that no one wants to hear,
Then you will add a ray of hope when there's nothing left but crying,
And become the "gentle link" between the living and the dying.
I believe that you'll find comfort though your heart has been laid raw,
In offering hope to someone else who prays and waits in awe.
Until it's done, you can't know how or whom your words will bless,
But hundreds more will find new life if you will answer "yes."
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Still Laughing in Dallas," regarding the whistle and the obscene telephone calls, reminded me of my own experience.
My husband was on active duty and was often away from home. During those periods I would receive phone calls on an irregular basis. It seemed that this person would wait until about 10 minutes after I had gone to bed, then call and not say anything. It did not matter what time I went to bed.
The only thing the police suggested was to change my phone number or keep a whistle handy. I decided that the whistle would wake my children and might push the caller into something more aggressive. Finally, one evening I had enough. I told the caller that if he would just speak to me, we could have a wonderful conversation. Did he know what it was like to be cooped up with two kids under the age of 4 for days on end without another adult to converse with? Changing diapers, cleaning up smeared food all over the table and chairs? I kept talking about the children and then I heard a "click." Never another phone call.
Abby, I BORED the person into leaving me alone. -- FRANKLY BORING IN FOLSOM, CALIF.
DEAR FRANKLY: You may consider yourself "frankly boring," but I consider you to be a frankly intelligent woman who solved a difficult problem with a dose of reality. Thank you for an interesting letter.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)