To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Intolerance and Hatred Can Have Deadly Consequences
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Stuart" decried what he felt was the tragic rebirth of bigotry today, here and elsewhere. Whenever I hear about intolerance, I'm reminded of an old poem. (I do not know the author.) It made me think. Perhaps it will touch one of your other readers as well. -- GEORGE R. GOLDIE IV, OXNARD, CALIF.
DEAR GEORGE: The poem is long, but it's well worth space in this column. Read on:
THE COLD WITHIN
Six humans trapped in happenstance
In dark and bitter cold,
Each one possessed a stick of wood,
Or so the story's told.
Their dying fire in need of logs
The first woman held hers back,
For of the faces around the fire,
She noticed one was black.
The next man looking across the way
Saw not one of his church,
And couldn't bring himself to give
The fire his stick of birch.
The third one sat in tattered clothes
He gave his coat a hitch,
Why should his log be put to use,
To warm the idle rich?
The rich man just sat back and thought
Of the wealth he had in store,
And how to keep what he had earned,
From the lazy, shiftless poor.
The black man's face bespoke revenge
As the fire passed from sight,
For all he saw in his stick of wood
Was a chance to spite the white.
The last man of this forlorn group
Did naught except for gain,
Giving only to those who gave,
Was how he played the game.
The logs held tight in death's still hands
Was proof of human sin,
They didn't die from the cold without,
They died from the cold within.
DEAR ABBY: I am a mammographer. I do screening and diagnostic mammograms for a living. I have a problem that seems to bother me more and more each day. I am asked several times a day, "Is this all you do, ALL DAY LONG?"
I find this question extremely irritating. I save lives. I have to bite my tongue to prevent sarcasm. Abby, how would you respond? -- FRUSTRATED AND UNAPPRECIATED
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I would just say "yes." And I'd add with a smile: "Isn't it wonderful that we have this life-saving technology? Before we had the miracle of mammography, cases of breast cancer usually went undiagnosed until it was too late."
But don't be angry or sarcastic about a question that is asked out of ignorance.
Child Who Acts Up at School May Not Be Seeing Straight
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to add another thought to "Teacher Who Cares About the Future," who discussed undisciplined children in the classroom. If a child seems bored or consistently misbehaves in class, the parents should have his or her eyes checked.
When my grown son was small, he used to hate his first-grade class. He'd hide under his bed and plead with me not to make him go to school. His first-grade teacher had put his desk out in the hall with the wet boots and coats, and another time had forced him to sit in a corner on a stool wearing a dunce cap.
My son's eyes had been tested by a specialist who examined each eye separately and said there were no vision problems. Not true! Just to be sure, I took him to another doctor, who tested his eyes together. Sure enough, the eyes did not work properly together. Was it any wonder he couldn't do his school work? When he tried to read, the little fellow saw double, backward and blurred!
Fortunately, the doctor was able to help. Today our son is a radio engineer with a large station and is a happily married father of two. We didn't give up until we found help -- and it was certainly well worth it. -- PROUD MOTHER IN NEVADA
DEAR PROUD MOTHER: I'm pleased that your story had a happy ending. It reinforces how important it can be to get a second opinion if a diagnosis is in question.
DEAR ABBY: "Debbie in Memphis" wrote that she is still living with her unfaithful husband while they save money for a divorce. She complained that the other woman in the triangle made frequent calls to the house, and it angered her.
Abby, what the other woman is doing is called HARASSMENT. The telephone companies have regulations in place to deal with it. Debbie should alert her telephone company, and the representative will tell her whether or not to involve the police.
If necessary, the telephone company can tap the phone and document the harassing calls. With this documentation, the phone company can revoke the harasser's phone service.
No one should have to suffer this sort of psychological assault, and Debbie's hands are cleaner if the woman brings the consequences on herself. -- KAREN GREENBAUM-MAYA, PH.D., CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, CLAREMONT, CALIF.
DEAR KAREN: Well said. I'm passing that information along to my readers. Many will be interested to learn that the telephone company is willing to lend an ear as well as a hand, should the need arise. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letter from "Debbie in Memphis," who said her husband had an affair and ended it. She and her husband are sharing the same house while saving the money to get a divorce, but the other woman continues to call the house frequently.
Abby, Debbie can get "call blocking" for a small service fee. When the other woman calls, she will get a busy signal. This may not be a long-term solution, but perhaps it would tide her over until she can get the divorce and move. -- BEEN THERE IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR BEEN THERE: Thanks for a good idea. Why didn't I think of that?
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Bar Hopping Fiance Leaves Engagement Behind at Home
DEAR ABBY: I have been with my fiance for two years. We've been engaged for six months. He refuses to set a wedding date, and his whole attitude toward me and our relationship has changed. Now he wants to go to bars with his friends without me. In fact, he never wants to go anywhere with me.
When our relationship first started, we decided we had found each other, and there was no need to go to bars any longer. Especially now that we're engaged!
Abby, I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, or he's ashamed of me. I don't know if it's already over and he doesn't know how to escape -- or if I should hold on. I love him more than anything and want to marry him and grow old with him. But how do I know if he feels the same? He says he does. What do I do now? -- HEARTBROKEN IN KNOXVILLE
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: It seems your fiance still has some wild oats to sow. In a healthy relationship, a person's actions and words are the same, but this young man is saying one thing and doing something else.
Call off the engagement. Since he refuses to set a date, it wasn't much of an engagement anyway. You deserve a husband who loves you more than anything and wants to marry you and grow old with you. You haven't found him yet!
DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter that appeared in your column from the woman who attended a housewarming and discovered camellias floating in the toilet of the master bathroom. It was a "subtle" way of discouraging guests from using that toilet. You said you thought the idea was "all wet."
Well, I think your answer was all wet! I saw nothing wrong with what the hostess did -- and you can quote me! -- GERM-PHOBIC IN GEORGIA
DEAR GERM-PHOBIC: You are not the only person who disagreed with my answer. And I apologize for attempting to be flip. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You agreed with the letter writer that the hostess should open her entire home to guests. Well, I strongly disagree. Why tempt guests to look in your personal medicine cabinet, or check out (or remove) your jewelry? Some people will just make themselves at home. Don't you remember the letter about the hostess who put marbles in her medicine cabinet? If her powder room isn't sufficient to accommodate her guests, perhaps she invited too many guests! -- SUSAN SMITH, ELK GROVE, CALIF.
DEAR SUSAN: I remember, I remember! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I gave a party with about 18 people in attendance. I was gracious enough to allow my guests to use my master bath -- and was "rewarded" by having about $15,000 worth of jewelry stolen from me.
Now when I give parties, the master bathroom is off-limits, and I keep my bedroom door locked! -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN DIAMONDHEAD, MISS.
DEAR BEEN THERE: How depressing! However, thank you for enlightening me to one of the realities of entertaining as the year 2000 rolls around. May I suggest you screen your guests more carefully next time?
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)