Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Sister's Negative Attitude Pushes Family, Friends Away
DEAR ABBY: I really need your help. The problem is my older sister "Myrtle." She's 60, and our mother is 80. Myrtle has become so negative she's pushing away the people who love her. I don't think she means to alienate everyone, but even our mother says, "I can't stand it anymore!"
I don't think Myrtle realizes she has a choice when it comes to her behavior. She chooses to expect the worst. When we go out to lunch she expects to be unhappy with the quality of the food or the service. And she expects to be upset by anything anyone has to say to her. She never has anything nice to say, but always has a mean remark to make or a negative observation. Mother doesn't want to confront her, and has resorted to silence when it comes to dealing with her. She doesn't talk much when Myrtle is around. When I asked her why, she said, "She doesn't like what I have to say, so I'm not going to say anything." Other members of our extended family have begun noticing Myrtle's negativity and are becoming concerned.
My sister realizes she's a difficult person. More than once she's been heard to say, "I'm just a nasty person." Inside, I say to myself, "Is that what you WANT?" I know Myrtle would be very hurt if our mother said she no longer wanted to go out with her. But I think that's what will happen if her behavior doesn't change. Mom is very upset when she returns after spending time with Myrtle, and the stress isn't good for her blood pressure. I love them both, but I don't know how to help. Can you suggest anything? –- CONCERNED IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR CONCERNED: Your sister must be a very unhappy woman to be taking her frustration out on everyone around her. Since you have mentioned that other relatives have BEGUN noticing a change in her, I'm assuming that this isn't a lifelong trait of hers.
Your mother has reacted to Myrtle's negativity by refusing to acknowledge or confront it, and you have done the same. Much could be gained if you and your mother had a frank talk with your sister about the effect her attitude is having on those who love her. She could be suffering from mental illness or depression. A medical and psychiatric evaluation could help her greatly, but first she must admit that she needs help, and accept it. Otherwise nothing will change.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a guy for about six months, and we get along great. He seems to be everything I have ever wanted in a guy.
All of a sudden he said he has never wanted marriage. I told him I couldn't go on without some goal. We then broke up.
Now he's trying to come back and telling me he's STILL not interested in marriage, but he can't live without me. I'm confused and want to get away from him. The one catch is that we work, go to college and sing in choir together. How can I emotionally separate myself from him? –- CONFUSED IN OLATHE, KAN.
DEAR CONFUSED: Keep reminding yourself that the "guy" is immature, and the two of you have very different goals. If it's marriage you're interested in, he's a one-way ticket to nowhere.
Surgeon Grieves for Children Injured Standing Up in Cars
DEAR ABBY: I am a plastic surgeon and a very busy one, but I am not too busy to write this letter asking you to PLEASE implore parents (especially mothers) to NEVER -– and I repeat, NEVER -– allow their children to stand up in either the front or back of an automobile while it is in motion.
These last few weeks I have been called upon to make some heartbreaking repairs on some very beautiful little faces that had been pitifully mutilated from accidents that came about in just this way. All it takes is one abrupt stop for a youngster's face to meet a windshield, dashboard or the back of the front seat with such force as to break face bones, knock out teeth and cause disfiguring injuries.
Today I nearly wept while I worked with an eye surgeon for nearly two hours in a vain effort to save the eye of a little boy who had been standing in the back of his mother's car when she slammed on her brakes. (The child's eye was gouged out as he struck the ashtray.) If you will print this, I'll be most grateful. -– AN M.D. IN L.A.
DEAR L.A.M.D.: It's appalling that a child should be maimed for life because of the carelessness of his or her parent. I hope your warning will remind parents of the importance of buckling up their children before putting a key in the ignition.
DEAR ABBY: In response to the person who wrote to suggest that a cellular phone would be a good safety item for hikers and campers who are lost in the woods –- I beg to differ! A cell phone is never to be relied upon to help rescuers find you. There are too many areas that don't have service, or because of the terrain, there isn't any cellular reception.
One should never go into the wilderness without a buddy, or without telling someone where you plan to go and approximately when you will return. Of course, a short orienting course in map and compass skills can also prove to be invaluable.
Children should never be allowed to run ahead down the trail. One never knows what kinds of predators are hungry and waiting for that meal opportunity to come along. And yes, wearing a whistle IS standard operating procedure. –- STAYING FOUND IN COLORADO
DEAR STAYING FOUND: You are not the only reader who was kind enough to point out to me -– the quintessential "city girl" -– that in a wilderness area a cell phone might be useless.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the woman who asked her husband whether he would save his mother or her in a boating accident, everyone missed the boat in their answers.
He should have said: "I would be devastated at having to make such a choice! I love you both so much I would never let either of you ride in a boat unless you were wearing a life jacket!" –- RICK LOOMIS, SCOTTSDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR RICK: You are an angel with water wings, and you're absolutely right! What wouldn't we give for 20/20 hindsight!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Mom Who Violates Teen Agers' Privacy Draws Harsh Criticism
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed a letter from an Ohio mother regarding a previously published letter from a "Snoopy Mom" who proudly described searching through her teen-agers' belongings.
Today I'll share a sample of the mail I received from teens. Hang onto your hats! Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a teen-age male who was infuriated when I read the letter in your column from "Snoopy Mom." I'm willing to bet that if she caught her kids going through her personal belongings, she would lecture them until the sun went down. And you know what she'd be then? A hypocrite! As soon as her teen-agers left the room after telling them that snooping is wrong and that they should respect privacy, she'd start snooping again.
I hope God is on her side, because she is going to need His help if they catch her! –- JEFF IN CHICAGO
DEAR ABBY: There is a difference between invading your children's privacy and noticing if they spend their free time building bombs in the garage. Violating their trust by searching their rooms without justification while they are absent is reprehensible.
A child's diary is a child's diary. In it, a child records innermost feelings and what other kids share in confidence. I'll bet "Mom" wouldn't appreciate it if her kids went through her most private things.
I feel sorry for the children of "Snoopy Mom." They have to spend every day with this callous, irrational, distrusting and insensitive person. She never should have had children if this is how she treats them.
I now realize how fortunate I am that my parents are intelligent enough to respect my privacy and, at the same time, steer me in the right direction. –- RATIONAL 15-YEAR-OLD, BAYSIDE, N.Y.
DEAR RATIONAL: Many teens echoed your feelings. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Conspicuously absent from "Snoopy's" letter were comments on the result of her behavior -– the quality of her relationship with her children. It can't be very good, since her children are probably aware of her atrocious lack of trust, respect and common courtesy. I hope knowing every detail of her children's lives now will make up for this mother's being shut out of their lives when they're older –- JEANA L., AGE 19, IN OHIO
DEAR ABBY: I pity people who feel they must violate their children's trust in order to learn more about their lives. I hope parents understand that once your children learn you do not trust them, they in turn will not trust YOU -– and you'll never be able to rebuild what has been so carelessly destroyed.
Some people may call it "concern," but I call it lack of parenting skills. –- REBECCA (AGE 14) IN WASHINGTON
DEAR ABBY: I realize that parents should know what their children are doing. It's their right to make sure they're not getting into trouble with underage drinking, drugs, premarital sex, etc. But everyone is entitled to at least a little bit of privacy. "Snoopy Mom" gave her children none.
Do her children know she's doing this? Unless she spent a lot of time placing things EXACTLY where they were before, I'm sure they've figured it out! -– TRUSTED TEEN IN TACOMA
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)