For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the "pushy" sister-in-law who took photos of her deceased brother in his coffin against his widow's wishes: It's not all that unusual.
My weirdo aunt, now deceased, used to take rolls and rolls of film of every dead relative and put them in scrapbooks that she later showed off to people. She wanted to "capture the moment" -- the flowers, the corpse, the whole event. I thought it was dreadful. Looking back, I assume she photographed other family events, but I don't recall seeing any pictures. She was a sad, negative, pessimistic person, and I swore she'd never photograph my dead father (her brother). As fate would have it, she's long gone and no one recorded her passing in pictures -- and Dad is still kicking.
Several years ago, my mother-in-law received photographs of her late husband, who died unexpectedly of a heart attack. Her friend had secretly gone into the funeral home and snapped some. Weeks later, the friend offered them to my mother-in-law, saying that when her own husband died, photos of him in his coffin had been a comfort. My mother-in-law was grateful and the pictures meant a lot to her.
I guess my point is this: It takes all kinds. -- NO PHOTOS, PLEASE
DEAR NO PHOTOS: I have a stack of letters on my desk a foot high that corroborate that statement. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I work in a funeral home, and at times pictures are taken, especially for relatives who are too ill or elderly to attend the services or make a long trip. We have taken pictures, per the family's request, of infants -- this is usually the only photograph they would have of a baby they lost.
The sister-in-law should not have broken her promise, but her statement of how much better he looked dead than alive could have meant that he had a long illness and suffered, which can affect the deceased's appearance. The embalmers are artists! They can do wonders for a deceased who was ravaged by a terrible disease or who was in an accident. -- T.S. FROM L.L.
DEAR T.S.: Thank you for pointing this out. Many of those who wrote to me said they were greatly comforted to see their loved ones looking as they did before they were stricken, seemingly peacefully asleep. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my sister was married, in the same church as the one in which our father's funeral had been held, she and her husband had wedding pictures taken next to the marble name plate behind which our father's ashes now reside. When I first saw the pictures in the wedding album, I thought they were somewhat tacky. Later, I came to realize exactly what you advised "One Who Has Lost a Friend." Everyone grieves in his or her own way, and this was my sister's way to share her special day with our father. -- CHARLIE IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR CHARLIE: Right! Live and learn. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "One Who Has Lost a Friend": Who was the busybody who told the widow that the deceased's sister had taken the photos she promised she wouldn't?
If it eased the sister's pain, why not? She no doubt made her promise so as not to upset the widow. Ever heard of a little white lie? And then, there's also MYOB. -- M.S.C. IN SHERMAN OAKS
DEAR M.S.C.: I learn from my readers every day. I now know that photos of the deceased were very common at the turn of the century, and in some parts of the country the practice is still thriving. To everyone who wrote -- thank you for educating me.
Churchgoers in Casual Attire Get Reader's Dressing Down
DEAR ABBY: Periodically you invite your readers to "dump on Abby." My beef might seem trivial to many, and if that's the case, "Sorry about that!" but I am tired of seeing tourists in my hometown church dressed in sweatshirts, blue jeans, even shorts! Some might praise the fact that these ill-dressed folk bother attending church while they're on vacation, but why do they slight we year-round residents with their ultra-casual mode of dress?
I recall church at East Coast resort areas when some visitors, the famous among them, dressed casually -- but where most of the congregation were respectfully attired. The issue has reached the point where I, in nifty outfits, feel almost embarrassed for myself. Heaven forbid I should abandon my finery to blend in with the tourists!
At one packed August service last year, a woman with a head of cascading hair wore a halter top, giving the impression to those in pews in back of her that she was topless! Male, female, huge legs, shapely legs, hairy legs -- shorts are the "norm." Lack of consideration for year-round parishioners in resort communities is a sin. Please, dear visiting worshippers -- God loves you all, but give the locals a break. Dress with respect. AMEN! -- AIN'T NO SAINT IN OREGON
DEAR AIN'T NO SAINT: I, too, come from a generation where we were taught to dress up when visiting a house of God. However, in the last few decades, the old "rules" have relaxed considerably. People come to church to heal their souls and gain inspiration for living, and if you are focusing on what you and the other worshippers are wearing, I respectfully suggest that you are focusing on the wrong thing. REPENT!
DEAR ABBY: My 50th wedding anniversary is coming up in August and my children want to give us a grand party, but there is a problem: After 50 years of verbal, physical and mental abuse from my husband, I refuse to be a party to this hypocrisy. My husband, who is a retired professional man, is highly respected. However, we have not lived as man and wife for many years. He is an alcoholic, an adulterer, a wife-beater and a churchgoing hypocrite. He has ruined my life, and as a result, I have no use for him. I stayed with him over the years for the sake of the children when they were young, my religion (Catholic), and because of his threats.
We are both in our 70s now and we just tolerate each other. Never once has he shown any regret for his treatment of me and the children, who love us both but have no respect for their father. My children are not aware, as far as I know, of his adulterous womanizing over the years. Celebrating a life of hell is just more than I can take. What now? -- NO NAME, NO CITY
DEAR NO NAME: If your children are not aware of your husband's adulterous behavior, I see no reason to bring it up now. However, it would be impossible for them to have been unaware of the physical, verbal and emotional abuse you have suffered. Just tell them that under the circumstances, 50 years of the kind of marriage you have endured is nothing to celebrate, and ask them to please abide by your wishes.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Know It All in Law Hasn't Been There and Done That
DEAR ABBY: I cannot believe I'm writing to you, but this problem has been festering for 13 years and I'm at the end of my rope. It's my sister-in-law, "Ethel." She's a hypochondriac who feels that she must be the center of attention. Regardless of the situation, she has always "been there, done that, I know how you feel."
My father has lung cancer and underwent six weeks of exhaustive radiation. My mother and I are watching him die and have spent many sleepless nights with him. Ethel sounds like a broken record, repeating that she knows how he feels, knows how we feel, etc. I want to say to her, "Unless you have watched a father die, or watched a husband die, then you CANNOT 'understand' what Mother and I are going through!"
Her kids are brats, and I'm not the only one to say so. She leaves them unattended to go to a job that she does not need. My brother has a terrific job and makes excellent money. I cannot figure out why he tolerates her. People can't stand to be around her and make fun of her every chance they get. She's always "sick" because it's her way of getting attention. I'm sick of biting my tongue and I'm itching to tell her off. Should I? -- ITCHING ON THE EAST COAST
DEAR ITCHING: No! Telling her off would be counterproductive and would create more problems than you already have. You can't change your sister-in-law. Avoid the poor woman whenever possible, and in the interest of family unity, tolerate her when you must.
DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Eileen" about "Mary Helen," who was criticized because her efforts to save her brother "Bill" were futile, I had to write. I had a heart attack from a condition that I, like Bill, thought was the flu. I collapsed at work and was essentially dead when I hit the floor. Three to five minutes was all that was necessary for my death to be complete.
Fortunately for me, three of my co-workers knew CPR. After calling 911, they immediately started to work on me. They kept me alive until the paramedics came to take over. My doctors have told me that only one person in 10 recovers as I did.
Later, one of my rescuers confessed to me that she had used the wrong cadence in performing the chest compressions and that she was afraid she would hurt me or break a rib if she pressed too hard. I replied that she should not have worried. I was grateful for her efforts because even an injury was better than the alternative!
If Eileen and her friend, Mary Helen, had done nothing, death was a guaranteed result. Bill's only hope for life was that Mary Helen do something, and she did -- to the best of her ability. I can guarantee Mary Helen that Bill was grateful for her attempt, as I am thankful for those who saved me. -- GRATEFUL IN SEATTLE
DEAR GRATEFUL: Heartfelt congratulations on your recovery. I'm sure "Mary Helen" and "Eileen" will appreciate your having shared your personal experience. It highlights that any CPR is better than no CPR at all.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "YOUNG WORKING MOTHER": You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and without enough time. Malcolm Forbes once said, "Unless you are serving time, there is never enough of it."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)