To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Unnamed, Unclaimed Photos Can Be Destroyed Guilt Free
DEAR ABBY: My Great-Uncle Ben died in 1987, two years after his wife, Bonnie. Among the articles he left behind were 70 photo albums composed of snapshots and Polaroid pictures. The photos are unidentified except for a few that have notes like, "Outside Pearl's place," or "Evening before J.J. arrived." They mean nothing whatsoever to anyone who has seen them.
Except for a lovely memorial album that Uncle Ben put together after Aunt Bonnie died, nobody is interested in these albums. However, everybody (except me) wants them intact because they "obviously meant a lot to Ben and Bonnie." I'm now stuck with them because I'm single and my family thinks that automatically gives me more storage space. It doesn't.
When I tried to donate the albums to places like Ben and Bonnie's hometown library, I was politely turned down. I tried the retirement community where they had lived and was told the center couldn't use them either. The administrator suggested that I "respectfully destroy" the albums.
My family members are horrified at the proposal. I loved Uncle Ben and Aunt Bonnie as much as anyone, but they were practical people, and I'm sure they would agree with my solution. They're probably laughing in amazement that these albums have survived this long.
Abby, I would like to condense the albums into one meaningful collection (if I can even identify that many photos) and "respectfully destroy" the rest. I hate to bother you with anything this trivial, but I need some backup for the wrath that is sure to follow if I carry out my plan. -- RESPECTFUL RITA, TAOS, N.M.
DEAR RITA: You are not being disrespectful; you are being practical. Give one more try to donating the albums. This time, check with the local historical society. If it refuses, give your family members one last chance to either claim individual photos or assume the responsibility of storing the whole kit and caboodle. After a reasonable period of time, proceed with your plan. I, too, think you would then have Uncle Ben and Aunt Bonnie's blessing.
DEAR ABBY: I've read many articles over the years about whether the father or the stepfather should walk the bride down the aisle. I'd like to share my solution with you.
I was raised by my father until the age of 9, and by my stepfather from 9 to 19. Since both men put equal heart and soul into my upbringing, I asked them both to give me away. My stepfather declined, saying it was my father's day.
As my father proudly walked me down the aisle, we stopped, I handed my father my bouquet, turned and hugged and kissed my stepfather, then turned and proceeded to my awaiting groom.
There wasn't a dry eye in the church. To this day, some 15 years later, friends still tell me it was one of the most touching gestures they have ever witnessed, one that had great symbolism.
Abby, I hope this solution helps someone else who may be wondering how to handle that situation. -- B. COATES, GLENDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR B. COATES: Although it's not to be found in any etiquette book, you have provided a beautiful and sensitive solution to a situation in which many brides find themselves. Thank you for sharing it.
School Shootings Provide Mom With License to Spy on Teens
DEAR ABBY: Now, after the recent school shootings, I have a genuine reason to write to you to tell you just how much I disagreed with you every time you said a child's room and belongings are their private business, and parents should respect this so-called "privacy" and not snoop. BULL!
Now I no longer feel guilty for all the times I secretly "invaded" my kids' privacy by reading their diaries and going through their backpacks and purses, dresser drawers and closets, and even eavesdropping on their phone conversations. If the kids don't have anything to hide, they shouldn't need to worry. Call me a snoopy mom, but I know what my kids are up to, what their plans are and who they plan to do it with, and I no longer feel guilty whatsoever, thank you, ma'am! -- SNOOPY MOM, EDNA, TEXAS
DEAR SNOOPY MOM: Interest, or concern, is not spying. Until children reach legal age, parents are responsible for their health, education and growth. If children are overly secretive about what's going on in their lives, of course their parents will pry. If parents have a legitimate reason to question their child's honesty, it's only common sense to check. But nosiness is not a legitimate reason, especially if teens have proven by their actions that they can be trusted.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 46-year-old woman who married a 41-year-old man in January of this year. It's my second marriage and his first.
He hasn't told me he loves me since the day we were married. When I share my needs with him, he doesn't respond in a reassuring way. He usually gets hurt or mad, and ignores me as if he's the injured party. Among other issues, here's the clincher: He has not told his parents or other family members that we are married. We both told my parents about the engagement and that we were being married in a private ceremony. (My parents didn't really understand that part.)
His excuse for not telling his parents is that he wants to make sure our marriage works, plus he doesn't want to hear any negative feedback. However, his mother has introduced me to others as her "future daughter-in-law." Also, he wanted a "private and confidential" marriage. I went along with it because he promised me we would have a church wedding and a honeymoon in about a year. Recently he has started saying he no longer wants another ceremony, claiming, "We're married and it's a done deal."
I feel our wedding vows of "love, honor and cherish" are all a big lie. I feel he's dishonoring me by not telling his parents. He's leading them to believe we're living together in sin. He is also talking about his first love when he was 17, and a recent crush that a 20-year-old young woman at work has on him. He wants to buy her a card and a rose for her birthday. I thought that was a gift for someone with romantic intentions.
It hasn't even been six months, and already our marriage is a disaster. I know the first year is difficult, but this is just too much. I'm so hurt. I'm torn between honoring my marriage vows and calling it quits. What should I do? -- HURT AND CONFUSED, FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR HURT AND CONFUSED: It takes two people working together to build a successful marriage. Offer your husband the option of sharing the news of your nuptials with his family and of seeking marriage counseling immediately. If he gives you an argument, lose this loser.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
More Was Indeed the Merrier When in Laws Tagged Along
DEAR ABBY: I'd like to comment on the letter from the couple who didn't want to honeymoon with their in-laws on a cruise. My husband and I were married in 1958. I lived in Louisiana. His parents were from Pennsylvania and came to our wedding. We were delighted to have them come that distance to attend. Their other son, Mike, was stationed in Biloxi, Miss., so a couple of days after the wedding my husband, his parents and I went to visit Mike in Biloxi. En route, we stopped in New Orleans and had the time of our lives. My in-laws paid all the expenses, as we were living on a shoestring. We had many laughs later about my in-laws coming along on our honeymoon.
My husband and I have since taken many trips. We've been to Europe three times, to Canada, and have traveled all over the United States. I dare say NONE of these trips was more fun than the honeymoon trip with my husband's mom and dad. By the way, Dad died in 1987. My mother-in-law died April 6. I say: Let your in-laws go with you. You won't regret it. -- MRS. BOB (LAURA) LAUER, POWELL, TENN.
DEAR LAURA: Your letter is a standout, particularly from the batch of mail "Honeymooning With the In-Laws" generated. Most contained dire warnings that the young woman should "run for the hills" while she still could -- or that the couple should stand together and lay down the law to his mother. Read on for the reaction of a reader who simply empathized:
DEAR ABBY: I feel for that bride. She has a mother-in-law who wants to share EVERY DETAIL of their life -- every special moment. That "mature woman" had better get a life of her own.
My mother-in-law didn't go on our honeymoon with us, but she finished unwrapping our wedding gifts "for us" and left them nicely displayed. She picked up our wedding album from the photographer and saw the pictures before we did. She wanted to tell us when to have our family (when I had morning sickness, she said, "Don't you wish you had waited?"). My in-laws also went on most vacations with us.
I hope that young woman loves her fiance a great deal, so their marriage lasts, as ours has. Good luck, honey, you have my sympathy. Sign me ... BEEN THERE
DEAR BEEN THERE: You deserve kudos for your ability to tolerate the frailties of others. I hope your mother-in-law realizes what a prize her son snagged when he married you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When our son told us he was going to get married in Rome, my wife and I discussed our options. We informed Steve that we would not just fly to Italy for the wedding; we would vacation in Sicily afterward. A few days later, Steve phoned to ask if he and his bride could go with us. Consequently, the bride, the groom and nine of their friends joined us.
The bride selected "bed and breakfast" accommodations and places to visit. We stayed in a castle at the foot of Mount Etna and at homes on farms. We saw all the highlights of Sicily. It was the best honeymoon I have ever been on, and gave my wife and me a chance to know and love our daughter-in-law even more. Honeymooning with the in-laws can be a great happening. -- RONALD L. SECORD, GLENDALE, ARIZ.
DEAR RONALD: Thank you for a thought-provoking letter. A honeymoon with the in-laws is like skinny-dipping. If all parties are willing, it can be terrific. If one party has reservations about it, it probably won't be much fun.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)