Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Nudists at Beach Are Not Concerned With Perfection
DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to the woman who was uncomfortable with the thought of visiting a nude beach after having a mastectomy. I run a travel agency specializing in nudist destinations, and have seen literally thousands of nude people. I feel qualified to tell "Survivor" she is not alone.
I have seen people of all ages, shapes and sizes, colors, heights and weights. Most of them look like the ordinary folks you see at church or the grocery store. However, I have also seen people with surgical scars, stretch marks, missing arms or legs, piercings, tattoos, wheelchairs -- and lots of mastectomies. I had spinal surgery as a child, which left me with a large scar on my back. If people don't like the scar, they don't have to look.
It's not a beauty contest. Nudists are among the friendliest, most accepting people in the world. They don't judge others by their looks. Please tell "Survivor" to think of her mastectomy as a battle scar, the result of her war with cancer. It shows she won. She should enjoy the freedom and the appreciation of her husband, who sounds like a real gem. -- TRAVELING AU NATUREL, LAND O'LAKES, FLA.
DEAR AU NATUREL: Although some readers were shocked that I didn't take "Survivor's" husband to task for even suggesting a trip to a nude beach, I'm pleased that by far the majority of the comments have been positive. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I had to have one of my feet amputated. To have a body part voluntarily amputated is one of the hardest choices I have ever had to face. It left me depressed and with a horrible body image. My friends and family were supportive, but there was still a part of me that felt very damaged.
Fortunately, I went to Australia to visit relatives and decided to make a trip to a nude beach. I was apprehensive at first, as my prosthesis was still in a transitional state and stuck out like a sore thumb. No one focused on my impairments, and I was welcomed as just another person at the beach, which meant more to me than any kind words or counseling had before.
My advice to "Survivor" is, go to the beaches, and when you feel comfortable, join the crowd in nudity. Unlike here in the states, the "perfect body" is not important. The freedom of being yourself, and being free, will mean a lot to you. Good luck, and congratulations on your continued good health. -- FEELING BETTER ABOUT MYSELF IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR FEELING BETTER: I'm sure "Survivor" will appreciate your input. Thank you for a terrific letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: About 10 years ago, when I was in my early 30s, I went to a nude beach in Vancouver, Canada. It was a perfect, sultry summer Sunday, when one truly thanks the Lord for being alive. I was sunbathing in lazy bliss when out of the sun's glare a couple appeared. They were strolling along holding hands, laughing and talking, their love and happiness apparent.
As they drew closer, I realized the woman had had a breast removed. She was probably in her mid-40s, a truly beautiful woman, glowing in the sun. I'll never forget her. Her femininity wasn't diminished in any way. Her head was held high and her carriage was mesmerizing. She seemed proud and strong as a warrior, who had merely cut off a breast to be a better archer. It made a lasting impression on me. She taught me a lot that day about being a woman, about life and love. I'll never forget the sun goddess with only one breast. -- AN ADMIRER IN SAN FRANCISCO
Cancer Survivor Wins Sympathy for Her Reluctance to Go Nude
DEAR ABBY: I just about flipped at the insensitivity of the husband who suggested that he and his wife -- a breast cancer survivor -- go to the nude beaches on the Riviera.
My story is similar. I've been happily married to a wonderful man for more than 31 years. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997, followed by surgery (mastectomy), nine months of chemotherapy and reconstruction. I am the proud owner of a very real-looking implant breast and nipple.
The emotions and adjustments are sometimes overwhelming -- especially the hair loss and chemo. "Survivor" does NOT have a problem. She appears to be very positive in her attitude about the future, and very normal in her feelings about being uncomfortable topless. In fact, I'm sure this woman's concerns would strike a similar chord in the hearts and minds of every woman who has suffered through the battle with breast cancer.
I have been on the beach with a lot of topless European women. Most of them would look better with an attractive suit to cover them. -- A FAN IN CINCINNATI
DEAR FAN: I, too, was sure that the concerns of the "Survivor in San Francisco" would resonate with other breast cancer survivors. And that is why I tried to reassure her. I have a basket full of letters from readers who felt compelled to respond. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Until you have personally experienced all the challenges of breast cancer, self-image being one, you cannot fully understand all it encompasses.
To the woman whose husband of 21 years suggested visiting nude beaches together while vacationing in France, I say: "No, YOU don't have the problem -- your husband does. If your husband doesn't understand your reservations, both of you should talk to your physician."
By the way, Abby, since breast cancer occurs in both men and women, I wonder how her husband would feel if the tables were reversed. -- SURVIVOR IN LEHIGH VALLEY, PA.
DEAR SURVIVOR: I hesitate to say that either the husband or wife has a "problem." As I said in my answer, it's possible that the husband still regards his wife as a beautiful woman, and he no longer "sees" her mastectomy scars. Or, he could be so happy to still have her to love and to share a future with, her scars are not important to him. However, I'm printing your letter so "Survivor in S.F." will know others support her regardless of what she decides to do on her European vacation. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank God I don't have to deal with a clod like her husband. He cannot be that stupid; it must be deliberate indifference to her feelings.
If her husband had a testicle missing, how do you think he would have reacted to her suggesting the same thing? Are you really so naive, Abby? Your answer left much to be desired. -- KELLY IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR KELLY: I can't speak for the husband. However, I have it on good authority from one of my staff that when she visited a nude beach some years ago, while looking up from her book she happened to notice at eye level a man with only one testicle. As I stated in my answer, you see everything at nude beaches.
Not everyone reacted negatively to the idea of a breast cancer survivor visiting a nude beach. Some were wonderfully supportive. And that will be my column for tomorrow.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife Thinks Tag Along Sister Should Set Up Her Own Tent
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Laurel," is a single mother with one child. She drives my husband, "Rick," berserk when they are around each other for an extended period of time. Unfortunately, Laurel recently split up with her boyfriend. She has few friends and insists on being my best friend -- including herself in my family's dinner plans and vacations.
Before the breakup, we were planning to visit an elderly aunt -- Rick and I with our daughter in one car; Laurel, her boyfriend and her daughter in the other car.
However, now that Laurel's boyfriend has left, she wants to make this an "all-girls trip" and exclude my husband! I informed her that Rick is going, and furthermore there would be separate accommodations and separate cars. Laurel now insists that she will camp out in our hotel room, and she will not take "no" for an answer. -- FED-UP SISTER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FED-UP: Your sister is off base. There's no reason why you and Rick should share your hotel room with your sister, or that Rick should be excluded because Laurel doesn't currently have a man in her life. If you can't make her see reason, you and your husband should talk to her together.
DEAR ABBY: We just lost three perfect little boys, our triplets. They were born prematurely. Many people have been kind to us, yet we have been stunned by the insensitivity of others.
The day our triplets died, a doctor went to my wife in the hospital and said, "Look, it wasn't meant to work out. People aren't supposed to have litters."
My wife's hairdresser, on hearing the news, said, "Who would want three babies anyhow?"
To such people, I'd suggest they think of the three people they care most about in the world, and then imagine them all dying in front of you. -- SAD FATHER IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR SAD FATHER: Please accept my sincere sympathy for the tragic loss of your beloved baby boys. I'm sure the doctor and the hairdresser didn't mean to be unkind; however, their comments were enormously insensitive. Babies can't be replaced, but people in service-oriented businesses can.
DEAR ABBY: With all the discussion of the difficulties that might occur because of the Y2K problem, it's easy for most people to assume that it's only a computer problem -- but it isn't.
Thirty years ago, when my mother died, my father purchased cemetery lots and headstones for our entire family. My headstone reads, "Born 1939, Died 19( )."
Abby, I'm sure you can see the problem. If I live beyond the last day of December, I'll have to have that headstone refilled and recut with "Died 20( )." -- DONALD SCHAFFER, SAN DIEGO
DEAR DONALD: Consider yourself blessed to have such a problem. Why not add a line? For example: "19( ) ... to be continued." Or, "Just couldn't leave. Stuck around until 20( )." With a sense of humor, the possibilities are endless.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)