Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Cancer Survivor Wins Sympathy for Her Reluctance to Go Nude
DEAR ABBY: I just about flipped at the insensitivity of the husband who suggested that he and his wife -- a breast cancer survivor -- go to the nude beaches on the Riviera.
My story is similar. I've been happily married to a wonderful man for more than 31 years. I was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1997, followed by surgery (mastectomy), nine months of chemotherapy and reconstruction. I am the proud owner of a very real-looking implant breast and nipple.
The emotions and adjustments are sometimes overwhelming -- especially the hair loss and chemo. "Survivor" does NOT have a problem. She appears to be very positive in her attitude about the future, and very normal in her feelings about being uncomfortable topless. In fact, I'm sure this woman's concerns would strike a similar chord in the hearts and minds of every woman who has suffered through the battle with breast cancer.
I have been on the beach with a lot of topless European women. Most of them would look better with an attractive suit to cover them. -- A FAN IN CINCINNATI
DEAR FAN: I, too, was sure that the concerns of the "Survivor in San Francisco" would resonate with other breast cancer survivors. And that is why I tried to reassure her. I have a basket full of letters from readers who felt compelled to respond. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Until you have personally experienced all the challenges of breast cancer, self-image being one, you cannot fully understand all it encompasses.
To the woman whose husband of 21 years suggested visiting nude beaches together while vacationing in France, I say: "No, YOU don't have the problem -- your husband does. If your husband doesn't understand your reservations, both of you should talk to your physician."
By the way, Abby, since breast cancer occurs in both men and women, I wonder how her husband would feel if the tables were reversed. -- SURVIVOR IN LEHIGH VALLEY, PA.
DEAR SURVIVOR: I hesitate to say that either the husband or wife has a "problem." As I said in my answer, it's possible that the husband still regards his wife as a beautiful woman, and he no longer "sees" her mastectomy scars. Or, he could be so happy to still have her to love and to share a future with, her scars are not important to him. However, I'm printing your letter so "Survivor in S.F." will know others support her regardless of what she decides to do on her European vacation. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Thank God I don't have to deal with a clod like her husband. He cannot be that stupid; it must be deliberate indifference to her feelings.
If her husband had a testicle missing, how do you think he would have reacted to her suggesting the same thing? Are you really so naive, Abby? Your answer left much to be desired. -- KELLY IN SANTA ANA, CALIF.
DEAR KELLY: I can't speak for the husband. However, I have it on good authority from one of my staff that when she visited a nude beach some years ago, while looking up from her book she happened to notice at eye level a man with only one testicle. As I stated in my answer, you see everything at nude beaches.
Not everyone reacted negatively to the idea of a breast cancer survivor visiting a nude beach. Some were wonderfully supportive. And that will be my column for tomorrow.
Wife Thinks Tag Along Sister Should Set Up Her Own Tent
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Laurel," is a single mother with one child. She drives my husband, "Rick," berserk when they are around each other for an extended period of time. Unfortunately, Laurel recently split up with her boyfriend. She has few friends and insists on being my best friend -- including herself in my family's dinner plans and vacations.
Before the breakup, we were planning to visit an elderly aunt -- Rick and I with our daughter in one car; Laurel, her boyfriend and her daughter in the other car.
However, now that Laurel's boyfriend has left, she wants to make this an "all-girls trip" and exclude my husband! I informed her that Rick is going, and furthermore there would be separate accommodations and separate cars. Laurel now insists that she will camp out in our hotel room, and she will not take "no" for an answer. -- FED-UP SISTER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR FED-UP: Your sister is off base. There's no reason why you and Rick should share your hotel room with your sister, or that Rick should be excluded because Laurel doesn't currently have a man in her life. If you can't make her see reason, you and your husband should talk to her together.
DEAR ABBY: We just lost three perfect little boys, our triplets. They were born prematurely. Many people have been kind to us, yet we have been stunned by the insensitivity of others.
The day our triplets died, a doctor went to my wife in the hospital and said, "Look, it wasn't meant to work out. People aren't supposed to have litters."
My wife's hairdresser, on hearing the news, said, "Who would want three babies anyhow?"
To such people, I'd suggest they think of the three people they care most about in the world, and then imagine them all dying in front of you. -- SAD FATHER IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR SAD FATHER: Please accept my sincere sympathy for the tragic loss of your beloved baby boys. I'm sure the doctor and the hairdresser didn't mean to be unkind; however, their comments were enormously insensitive. Babies can't be replaced, but people in service-oriented businesses can.
DEAR ABBY: With all the discussion of the difficulties that might occur because of the Y2K problem, it's easy for most people to assume that it's only a computer problem -- but it isn't.
Thirty years ago, when my mother died, my father purchased cemetery lots and headstones for our entire family. My headstone reads, "Born 1939, Died 19( )."
Abby, I'm sure you can see the problem. If I live beyond the last day of December, I'll have to have that headstone refilled and recut with "Died 20( )." -- DONALD SCHAFFER, SAN DIEGO
DEAR DONALD: Consider yourself blessed to have such a problem. Why not add a line? For example: "19( ) ... to be continued." Or, "Just couldn't leave. Stuck around until 20( )." With a sense of humor, the possibilities are endless.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boy's Sleeping Arrangements Are Cause of Cousin's Concern
DEAR ABBY: My cousin is the single mother of a 9-year-old boy, "Kenneth." He is an only child.
Kenneth has never slept in his own room. After his father left, my cousin used this as her excuse to let him sleep with her. He doesn't want to be alone and is afraid his mother will leave him, too, so that's the excuse she uses to justify allowing him to sleep with her.
Abby, his father left four years ago!
I spoke to my cousin about this, and she said, "It's no big deal; plenty of people do it." The truth of the matter is that she doesn't have the patience to listen to him scream and cry all night if she tries to make him sleep in his own room. It's obvious to the family that Kenneth is in charge of their household.
I'm afraid this boy will have serious problems due to the sleeping arrangements. I'm also worried that a state agency will get wind of this strange situation and investigate my cousin.
Do you agree that this boy will become maladjusted? Perhaps if she sees it in your column, she'll wise up. -- NAMELESS
DEAR NAMELESS: Kenneth should not be sleeping in the same bed with his mother. If your cousin doesn't know how abnormal this situation is, she should be told in no uncertain terms that she's doing her son a terrible disservice with this sleeping arrangement.
Further, at age 9, Kenneth is too old to be "screaming and crying all night" when he's left alone. The boy needs counseling to overcome his fears of abandonment.
DEAR ABBY: As a state trooper, I would like to comment on your advice that drivers pull over before using their cellular phones. While it is dangerous to drive while using the phone, it can be equally dangerous to just "pull over" while on the highway.
Many vehicles stop in the breakdown lane for this purpose without realizing that the most serious accidents take place when there is a large variance in the speeds of the objects colliding. This occurs most frequently when a stationary car or person is only inches away from traffic traveling in excess of 60 to 70 mph. It takes only a moment's inattention for a tragedy to occur. Many fatal accidents are the result of a truck or car straying only slightly over the white line near a stopped vehicle.
Because of this danger, our state and many others prohibit the use of the breakdown lane unless there is a mechanical or medical emergency.
Abby, please urge your readers to use caution when pulling over. Look for a safe place to stop well away from the flow of traffic such as rest areas or parking lots, and of course, ALWAYS wear seat belts.
Thank you for all your good work on behalf of police officers everywhere. -- TROOPER STEVE EARLE, MASSACHUSETTS STATE POLICE
DEAR TROOPER EARLE: Your advice to stop well away from high-speed traffic is a safety tip that could save the lives of many. Thank you for it, and for the reminder that a moment's distraction can occur during a long highway journey even with the safest of drivers. It is absolutely vital that motorists stay fully alert at all times.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)