To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sports Fan's Wife Wants Timeout for Personal Foul
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Bob," is high-strung. Even my mother-in-law forewarned me about his rowdy, rough-and-tumble behavior. Bob is a sports nut whose favorite athletic activities are football, hockey and pro-wrestling.
Bob gets excited over any sport, and usually I can, too -– especially hockey. What I don't like is his need to "act out" the rough stuff he's previously viewed on television. For some reason that only he can understand, Bob seems to enjoy coming after me, scooping me up by my limbs and pinning me to the wall or the floor. I have repeatedly asked him to stop during the six years we have been married, but to no avail.
Some nights before we go to sleep he gets so restless and into what he calls "playing" that I have to literally defend myself against his sparring, poking and jabbing. Recently I have had to kick, scratch and bite him just to get him to stop. Even our beloved cat runs away from him.
Abby, please don't suggest counseling. I'm willing to go, but I know Bob won't. He'd say nothing is wrong, and in the presence of others, deny everything. He's polite around other people, but when we're alone, he's suddenly crude and obnoxious. It's as if it's something he's proud of.
Except for his obviously boorish, abusive behavior, everything else is fine. Is there a constructive way to get Bob to stop his rough "playing," or is it time to call this marriage quits? -- NOT A CRASH-TEST DUMMY IN WASHINGTON
DEAR NOT A DUMMY: Wake up. Your husband's behavior is not "high-strung"; it's physically abusive and sadistic, and it could cause you a serious injury. For your own safety you must draw the line. Something is wrong with Bob. It's all right to be a sports fan, but what he's doing is not normal behavior.
Although you don't want to hear this, I think counseling would do you a world of good. If Bob refuses to go, go without him. It will give you valuable insight not only into why he's behaving the way he does, but also why you have tolerated this for six years. Please don't delay. And you'd be wise to consider separating until Bob is willing to modify his behavior.
DEAR ABBY: "Waiting in Arlington, Texas," works in a hospital and has a crush on a repair man. She said she wrote him a note but he didn't respond, so she summoned the courage to hand him a second note. When he failed to acknowledge it, she asked him if he had read it. His reply: "Nice penmanship."
She asked you what she should do to get a more direct response, and you advised her that she'd already received a response –- he wasn't interested.
Abby, you may not have considered all of the possibilities. For example, the man may not be able to read the note. The response he gave was certainly evasive –- but was he trying to avoid giving her a straight answer or the fact that he's illiterate? There may be more to this than a simple rejection. -– MYSTIFIED IN MISSOURI
DEAR MYSTIFIED: It's true that some people who are illiterate are so ashamed of it that they will do almost anything to hide it. However, "Waiting" also disclosed that, "Rumor has it that he's seeing someone." Therefore, it's also possible that the man felt his personal life was none of her business.
However, since every player is entitled to three strikes, I'm printing your letter. If "Waiting" sees it, I'm sure she'll step up to the plate again.
Bride's Thank You Policy Is Not Welcomed by Her Friend
DEAR ABBY: "Lucy," my friend for more than 10 years, got married last July. She announced her engagement a year before, then lost touch with me and didn't call for almost a year. This was typical of the relationship we had -– she'd keep in touch and then just disappear. I'd hear from her when she got lonely.
One month before the wedding, I received a call from Lucy asking for my address so she could send me an invitation. I was a little insulted that she had waited this long, but attended the wedding regardless. Lucy mentioned that she had registered at a fine department store. However, when I checked out the items on the wish list, I found they far exceeded my budget, so my husband and I bought her a set of nice cookware from another store.
It has been eight months, and I have never received a thank-you for the gift. However, since the wedding, all Lucy has talked about is how busy she and her husband have been getting all those thank-you cards out. I heard through the grapevine that Lucy chose to send thank-you cards only to those who bought her the items she had asked for –- and chose not to acknowledge the others. I'm personally surprised and a little hurt by this.
What would be a tactful way of telling her that this is unheard of without starting a battle? -- HURT IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR HURT: If what you heard through the grapevine is true, I hope your gift included cake pans -– because the bride's excuse for not sending certain thank-you notes takes the cake!
The surest way to find out why your gift has not been acknowledged would be to ask Lucy if the gift was received. It's possible that a thank-you note was sent but went astray. However, if the answer is she hasn't gotten around to sending one, perhaps you should send Lucy an etiquette book for her first anniversary. She could certainly use one.
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Old-Fashioned Southern Lady" and to others who say they don't like prenuptial agreements: I would like them to consider the truth about marriage. Anyone getting married in a "Christian marriage" (and other religious or public weddings) realizes that the church wedding and the marriage license are two separate and different entities.
The marriage license must be signed by both parties and recorded by the state before the marriage is legally recognized by the state (except in common-law marriages). Therefore, by definition, this, too, is a "prenuptial agreement" in which you give the state in which you reside the power to determine how marital assets will be divided in case of death or divorce. Like it or not, a marriage is a legal arrangement and should not be left in the hands of an arbitrary document that leaves the state with all the rights.
So, instead of trusting the assets of their marriage to the state government, intelligent adults should discuss and write down their common beliefs as to what would be fair if the unthinkable happens. That's why we buy life insurance. We may not like the idea of having to prepare for tragic circumstances, but a wise couple prepares their marriage for all possible outcomes. -– BRADY L. CROM, PSYCHOLOGIST, HAWTHORNE, CALIF.
DEAR BRADY: You have explained it very well. I have always urged couples contemplating marriage, particularly those who have been married before and have children, to have a prenuptial agreement. In the event of death or divorce, it can prevent grief, heartache and misunderstanding. It brings to mind the Boy Scout motto, "Be Prepared."
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Child's 'Lazy Eye' Can Be Corrected if Caught in Time
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing you on behalf of the children in this country who are in danger of losing their eyesight to amblyopia or "lazy eye." Parents are often completely unaware there is any problem with their child's vision. Because amblyopia usually affects only one eye, children can see -- but have only monocular vision. Children don't realize they should be able to see through both eyes. One child was diagnosed after a bump to the eye. When he said, "I can't see the television; I hurt the eye I see with," his mom, a licensed optician, had the first indication that something was wrong!
Abby, 2 to 3 percent of the population has amblyopia. When this condition is detected before the age of 3, approximately 95 percent recover their vision. After the age of 6, it can be difficult to totally correct. Parents need to be sure their young children receive a comprehensive examination that checks the functioning of each eye.
For parents and children who are well aware of amblyopia, I am happy to report that there is a new support program for them. The Eye Patch Club offers suggestions and support for dealing with the challenges posed by amblyopia. -- MARK RUTTUM, M.D., DEPARTMENT OF OPHTHALMOLOGY, MEDICAL COLLEGE OF WISCONSIN
DEAR DR. RUTTUM: I was shocked to learn that one preschooler in 20 has a vision problem that could cause permanent loss of sight if left untreated. The Eye Patch Club, sponsored by Prevent Blindness America (also known as the National Society to Prevent Blindness), is a tool that parents of children with amblyopia can use to help them strengthen their "lazy eye." Patching or covering the stronger eye forces the weaker eye to work. The patient wears the patch for a few weeks (or longer), which helps to strengthen vision.
Of course, the child must regularly visit the eye doctor to measure improvement in the amblyopic eye. And, at first, a child may feel frustrated while wearing the patch over the stronger eye. That's where the Eye Patch Club lends support.
Prevent Blindness America not only offers The Eye Patch Club, it also provides information about the warning signs of eye trouble in children, ideas on how to make a trip to the eye doctor fun and easy for children, and more detailed information about amblyopia. For free information, call 1-800-331-2020. (What an appropriate telephone number!)
DEAR ABBY: A while ago I read a letter in your column about a 17-year-old named Brandon McCoy who, every year on his birthday, has a party and asks his friends to bring gifts for charity. It inspired me to model my own attitude after Brandon's giving spirit.
I too am 17. I love parties, so last Christmas I hosted a party and requested $5 donations. It was a huge success! I raised more than $100 for a local home for abused children and had a great time doing it.
I'd like to thank Brandon for the inspiration. Society tends to have a negative view of teen-agers, but he is living proof that we're not all bad. -- MARYBETH BARTELT, ST. LOUIS
DEAR MARYBETH: I'm pleased that Brandon's story touched and inspired you. Acts of generosity, especially on the part of activist teens like you and Brandon, enhance the quality of life for all of us and deserve to be acknowledged.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)