Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Five years ago, I married a 40-year-old bachelor. It was his first marriage. Abby, he has given me only $10 (yes, $10!) in all the time we have been married, and he spends nothing on my children by my first marriage. I still pay all my own expenses, as I did when I was single -- my car payments, insurance, clothing, gas, and everything we purchase for the house, such as furniture, drapes, carpeting, linens. He also expects me to pay for his clothes and all of the groceries. I do this on a minimum-wage salary! He makes good money, owns his car free and clear, and the house is also paid for. All he pays for is utilities.
He is rude and grouchy to my kids and has never bought them birthday or Christmas presents.
His mother lived with him before we were married, and he has bought her a brand-new car, paid her insurance, car payments and gas, and he lets her pick out her own presents for Mother's Day, birthdays, etc.
He will never change, and I'm not even sure I love him. Am I a fool to stay with this man? -- NO CITY, NO STATE
DEAR NO CITY: Since you raised the question, the answer is, yes, you ARE a fool to stay with this man.
DEAR ABBY: May I please add my 2 cents to "Repented in Oregon," the young woman who had been promiscuous during high school and college? I was in the same situation, but unlike "Repented," I didn't wise up at 19. I was 24 when I began to turn my life around. By that time, I had slept with more than 50 men, had contracted herpes and flunked out of college -- since I spent more time in bars drinking and picking up men than studying. Somewhere along the way, I had also managed to destroy my credit rating. My self-esteem and reputation were both in the Dumpster.
While in college, I had signed a contract with the Army Reserves and ROTC. At the time, I didn't expect to fulfill the contract since ROTC would make me an officer and the contract was just a formality. Without realizing it, I had made the best decision of my life. When I was suspended from college due to poor grades, I moved to another state. Eventually, with the help of the military, I graduated from nursing school.
I now have a wonderful career in the nursing profession, as well as a wonderful husband and two beautiful children. Yes, my husband knows about my past and my herpes. We are careful so he has never contracted it. He loves me for who I am now, not who I was at one time. My friends and co-workers know I was a "wild child" but, like my husband, they see who I am now.
Unfortunately, when I visit my parents, who still live in my hometown, there are those who still see the "wild child." They continue to ignore the 11 years of accomplishments and growth that make me who I am today. I choose to see this as their loss, not mine.
To "Repented": The choices I have made throughout my recovery may not work for you, but know that your true friends will see you for who you are becoming, not who you were. Good luck. -- BEEN THERE AND RECOVERED IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for the great letter. I'm sure that more readers than "Repented" will see it and be inspired by it.
WIFE FINDS MANY BONES TO PICK WITH HUSBAND IN THE DOGHOUSE
DEAR ABBY: I owe you a debt of gratitude, and I'll tell you why: I'm the guy ("Tormented in Oregon") who suspected his wife of having an affair with another woman after finding a collection of love letters and poems written by her best friend, a gay woman I'll call Grace.
When I returned from work the day my letter was printed, I was confronted by my very angry wife, "Julie." I was shocked because I never dreamed you would print my letter. And just in case you did -- I had changed some details so that if it were published, she would not recognize that I wrote the letter. Boy, was I naive!
The letters and poems were actually written by Grace to an ex-lover. Julie was just holding onto them for safekeeping. I was immediately placed in the doghouse, primarily for snooping and jumping to conclusions. I had to promise to commit myself to some very intensive marriage counseling. I also had to apologize to Grace. She also felt violated that I had read something so personal without her permission.
Some of the things I have learned, and would not have, had you not printed my letter:
1. Marriage is based on mutual trust. This does not include snooping into your spouse's private papers.
2. If there are problems at home, look no further than yourself. Blaming some outside influence will get you nowhere.
3. Honest communication is essential, no matter how difficult or painful it may be.
4. Be grateful for your spouse's friends. True friendship gives everyone a fuller, happier life, and actually enriches the relationship between husband and wife.
5. Paranoia will destroy your marriage faster than anything else -- and may, in fact, drive your spouse away from you.
6. Gay women do not go around seducing straight women.
Again, Abby, thank you. We are not out of the woods yet, but thanks to you, we're getting there. By printing my letter, you made me fess up to my actions and confront my own demons. -- A GRATEFUL FRIEND IN OREGON
DEAR GRATEFUL FRIEND: Based upon the lessons you've learned in only one month, your personal growth has been phenomenal. For that I congratulate you. Letters like yours make my column rewarding. Thank you for the update and kind words.
DEAR ABBY: I am 74, and for the past three years, due to health problems, have been unable to write legibly. When e-mail came along, I got a computer. It brought me great joy to know that I could communicate with my family and friends of a lifetime. I have always been a writer and love to receive mail from people I care about, but I became frustrated when I could no longer write "thank-you" cards to them.
My question: Is it better to acknowledge my thanks via e-mail so the response is immediate, or wait for the days when I muster up the ability to write and sign a card? Personally, I prefer knowing they received my gift no matter how they let me know. -- RUTH PHILLIPS
DEAR RUTH: Those who care about you know about your difficulty with writing. If using a computer makes it easier to communicate with your family and friends, then do so. Perhaps you can also use it to design your own personalized thank-you cards.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cousins No Longer Kissing in Quarrel Over Baby's Name
DEAR ABBY: My cousin "April" recently learned from a family member that I am pregnant. She was also told that if we have a boy, I intend to name him "Frank" after a dear uncle who passed away recently.
April immediately telephoned me and told me I couldn't name my child after our uncle because she's trying to get pregnant and intends to use the same name. She demanded I choose a different name so she could honor our uncle in this way.
Abby, April is not pregnant, and my baby is due in June. My husband was very upset by what she said, and told me never to speak to her again. My father says that when it comes to naming a baby, the first one born is the first one named.
April thinks I'm being rude and selfish by "doing this to her." My father says it doesn't matter because we live 2,000 miles apart.
Is there a tactful way to handle this without stirring up a feud with my cousin? -- IN A BIND
DEAR IN A BIND: You say in your letter "our uncle" -- however, if Cousin April is Uncle Frank's daughter, I see her point. But if Uncle Frank was her uncle, too, I see no reason why your child shouldn't be named anything you wish. If she uses the same name, the boys could be given different middle names, which would minimize confusion -- and because they live so far apart, I doubt it would inconvenience anyone. Cousin April should lighten up.
DEAR ABBY: I recently received a copy of a wonderful poem. It's supposed to be one that Audrey Hepburn shared with her family during her last Christmas, just weeks before she died. If that's true, it says a great deal about how that much-admired woman lived her life. I don't know who the author is, but perhaps you'll find it worth sharing with your readers. -- MORTON WRIGHT, GRANADA HILLS, CALIF.
DEAR MORTON: There's some inspiring philosophy in the poem, and it's well worth sharing. Read on:
Beauty Secrets
For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you never walk alone.
We leave you a tradition of the future. The tender loving care of human beings will never become obsolete. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw anyone away.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older, you'll discover that you have two hands: One for helping yourself, the second for helping others.
You have great days still ahead of you. May there be many of them.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)