For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 15-year-old who believes what you told "Worried Mom in Minneapolis" was incorrect. I agree that there are some immature 14-year-olds, but not all of them are immature. Although I wasn't mature at that time, I know people who are. Just saying that about all 14-year-old boys is unfair.
Her son showed her that he could spend the night at a friend's house without an adult and not do anything wrong. I was left alone at night at a friend's house, and my friend and I knew not to do anything illegal or stupid. Most 14-year-olds do have that much sense. -- MAD 15-YEAR-OLD IN DURHAM, N.C.
DEAR MAD 15-YEAR-OLD: No one accused the boys of doing anything "wrong." However, it's better to be safe than sorry. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to "Worried Mom in Minneapolis," we just returned from the emergency room after picking up our 14-year-old son. He had shared one bottle of whiskey with two other 14-year-old boys at 11 a.m. Two of the boys were found inebriated after falling on their way to a 7-Eleven store to get something to eat. Had they stayed home, they may have ended up dead from choking on their own vomit when they passed out.
One of the boys' fathers had left them home for one hour while he took his daughter to her mom's. Imagine what could have happened had they been left alone overnight. -- AN ORDINARY MOM WITH AN ORDINARY SON IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR ORDINARY MOM: Your son is overdue for a frank discussion about the fact that guzzling alcohol can not only make a person sick, it can lead to overdosing, which can be fatal. At this point he may be willing to accept it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is for "Worried Mom in Minneapolis." I am 42 years old, and I was left home alone at age 14. Because of it, I grew up fast. (I am female.)
It takes only one time to meet the wrong people or be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Fortunately, I had parents who gave me good morals that stuck when they weren't around. Trust me, I was no angel, but I never got caught because I guess I was lucky.
Yes, it gave me the chance to grow up faster than the girls next door. I'm lucky I survived. Really.
Kids at that age can get caught up in a lot of trouble that they're not even looking for. Morals or not, it's so tempting to cross that thin line these days. And the price (drugs, disease) is a lot higher than it was in 1970.
If parents give children that freedom, they should know in their hearts that their children are strong enough to handle the pressure. I knew better than to go out, but I did anyway. Most kids will, just for the challenge. You can't "smother" 14-year-olds, but be sure to keep an open mind -- and never leave them unsupervised at night! -- BEEN THERE, DONE IT, BRADENTON, FLA.
DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree. Teen-agers do not have to be "bad" to exercise poor judgment on occasion. One way to avoid trouble is to avoid temptation. Temptations are less powerful when an adult is present.
Battle Lines Sometimes Hard to Draw in War Against Drugs
DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter in your column from our federal drug czar, Barry R. McCaffrey. The general is not an M.D. or social worker, and isn't qualified to speak on the drug problem. None of what he suggests will prevent drug abuse. Furthermore, he recently made himself look foolish with his inaccurate statement that Holland has a higher crime rate than the United States due to Holland's liberal drug policies. In fact, Holland has a much lower crime rate and a lower rate of drug abuse than the U.S. Obviously, Holland's moderate approach works far better than our draconian criminal approach.
The United States should follow Holland's good example and make a distinction between marijuana and hard drugs. The alleged dangers of marijuana have been absurdly exaggerated. There is a growing mountain of hard scientific evidence that marijuana is not harmful unless used in very large doses. By lying about the dangers of marijuana, we cast doubt on the warnings about truly dangerous cocaine, LSD, heroin and designer drugs.
We shouldn't ruin the lives of young people -- or anyone else -- by jailing them for smoking marijuana, nor should sick people be denied medical marijuana.
I have read your columns for 25 years, Abby. You have good sense. I hope you'll seriously consider that prohibition is not preventing abuse or addiction, but is instead greatly worsening the drug situation. Prohibition didn't work with alcohol, and is an even bigger failure with marijuana. -- STEVE J. WILCOTT, SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR STEVE: I agree that marijuana laws are overdue for an overhaul. I also favor the medical use of marijuana -- if it's prescribed by a physician. I cannot understand why the federal government should interfere with the doctor-patient relationship, nor why it would ignore the will of a majority of voters who have legally approved such legislation.
However, regardless of whether Gen. McCaffrey is right or wrong about the crime rate in Holland, I'm staunchly behind his effort to initiate dialogue between concerned parents and children about drugs. Honest dialogue is essential. Parents must level with their children about which drugs are dangerous and which are not, or they'll lose their credibility and be disregarded. This is especially important at a time when drug dealers offer an array of new designer drugs -- some virtually undetectable, and some of which can be fatal.
An excellent book on the subject of marijuana is "Marijuana Myths, Marijuana Facts" by Lynn Zimmer, Ph.D., and John P. Morgan, M.D., published by the Lindesmith Center in New York. It can be ordered through Bookworld Cos. by calling (800) 444-2524. The cost is $12.95 per book, plus $3.95 per book shipping and handling. When ordering, please provide the following ISBN number: 0-9641568-4-9.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Debtors Anonymous has moved. The new address is P.O. Box 888, Needham, Mass. 02492-0009. The Web address is: www.debtorsanonymous.org.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Wife Has Reason to Suspect Husband's Change in Routine
DEAR ABBY: I must disagree with your advice to "Miserable in Indiana" to improve her self-esteem, get into shape and seek counseling for her irrational jealousy. Abby, here's a woman whose husband is suddenly going to work early, paying more attention to his appearance, ignoring his wife's requests for more attention and better sex, and offering no explanation for his sudden change in routine. She has every reason to be suspicious.
If he isn't having an affair, he most certainly is flirting with the notion. Being a good father and a monetary provider doesn't mean that he is "taking care of business" at home.
You missed the boat, Abby. Her accusations aren't "pushing him away." He has already left. -- BEEN THERE IN L.A.
DEAR BEEN THERE: How damning you make the "evidence" appear. Read on for another view:
DEAR ABBY: In your reply to the woman who was worried about her husband going to work early and dressing well for a factory job, you missed one possible explanation.
He may be trying for a promotion! If he's the type of person who would want to keep his quest a secret until he had results, that could explain his change in behavior and his unwillingness to talk about it. -- J.H. IN BATAVIA, ILL.
DEAR J.H.: You're right; that's a possibility I didn't consider. It's also possible that the man may have been "counseled" on the job about sloppy appearance or body odor -- and that's why he is making a special effort to shape up.
The wife stated that her self-esteem is "on the low side," that she has gained weight and she's "feeling old." Therefore, I urged her to have a medical checkup, get back into shape, and seek joint counseling to help her overcome her jealousy -- and perhaps improve their sex life. Surely that's a more positive direction to take than saying, "Lookin' good for her, huh?" daily as her husband leaves for work. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Miserable" said her husband brought home a steady paycheck and was raising her three sons by other marriages.
I, too, am harassed by a jealous wife. Unfortunately, her jealousy extends into my relationship with family and friends.
Like "Miserable," my wife would probably say our sex life is "so-so" (or even worse). She also told me our infrequent sex makes her feel fat, old and unattractive.
However, her physical appearance has nothing to do with her lack of appeal. It's the constant jealousy and lack of trust that pushes me away. Her compulsion to ensure that I have no relationship with anyone but her has tainted our marriage. I wish she understood that trust in me would be the best cure for a sour relationship.
I need interaction with others so I can better my relationship with her. How can I make her understand that this marriage will dissolve if she doesn't change her attitude? -- TRAPPED AND UNHAPPY IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR TRAPPED AND UNHAPPY: A good relationship is built on love, trust and commitment. Without those ingredients, no marriage can survive. Jealous people are generally insecure. They attribute great power to others because they feel powerless themselves. Your wife would benefit from therapy to understand and overcome those feelings -- but she'll need your help to achieve success.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.