For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Garrulous Man Could Prove Perilous to Woman's Health
DEAR ABBY: I have a male friend who is a nonstop talker. He talks constantly during a meal and doesn't even stop when eating. He's so rude that he won't let a person finish a sentence. At meetings, people sitting near him get up and move away because of his talking and complaining. My friends refuse to come over if he's going to be there.
One man said he's the only person who can carry on a conversation with himself. His son and I have both told him he talks too much. He thinks his opinions are important, but they are boring.
Abby, he's a faithful and helpful person, and he wants to marry me. We are older people and men are scarce at this age. But I must avoid stress because of medical problems. Any suggestions? -- TALKED TO DEATH IN WASHINGTON
DEAR TALKED TO DEATH: A person who does all the talking is no less a hog than the person who comes to your table and eats all the food. Your friend is ignoring the fact that being a good listener is often more important than being a good talker.
Men may be scarce in your age bracket, but from your description he appears to be self-centered, insensitive to the feelings of those around him, and probably very insecure. If your physician has advised you to avoid stress because of medical problems, try to find a mate who will be more sensitive to the feelings of those around him.
DEAR ABBY: I have a sister I love very much, but I don't understand her. Although she is 35 years old, she still relies on her family to take care of her. And if we don't do it quickly enough, she gets an attitude and won't speak to us for weeks at a time.
Abby, her behavior is hurtful, especially to our father. Frankly, I'm tired of the situation. Please advise me how to handle this. -- SISTERLY TROUBLE
DEAR SISTERLY TROUBLE: You didn't mention whether your sister has emotional problems, or whether she's dependent simply because she can be. As long as she has you to shore her up, why should she tread water for herself? If there is no compelling reason why the family should bail her out, you are doing her a disservice by doing so.
By age 35, your sister should have taken responsibility for herself, so get the family to stand together and send her the message that she's on her own. Of course, I wouldn't expect you to let her drown -- but convince her she must try to save herself before she goes down for the third time.
DEAR ABBY: I have several married and divorced children. I have always helped them in any way I could by letting them keep their belongings, hobbies and junk in my home and even live here. It isn't as if they have no homes -- they do, and larger than mine.
I have been alone for a long time, so maybe they never think of my getting married again. I love my home, and I have found a person I would like to marry and share the rest of my life with. I have even thought of us renting a place somewhere, but maybe I would never get my home back. Would this be wise?
What is the best way for me to regain my home in full without hurting my children? I'm trying to be patient, but they don't seem to "get it." Please advise me how to resolve this in a caring and loving way. I need your help. -- CROWDED OUT IN SALT LAKE CITY
DEAR CROWDED OUT: Congratulations on having found a special someone to marry and share your life with. Now it's time to share the wonderful news with your children. And when you do -- tell them you're giving them one month to reclaim their belongings because you'll be living there with your new husband and need the space.
Dad Who Walks on Family Has No Right to Walk Down Aisle
DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your advice to "Lisa in California" that she should have her grandfather and father walk her down the aisle. Her father gave up any rights or honors of being a father when he walked out on her when she was 2 years old.
I have lived through a similar situation. When I got married, I certainly did not have my father give me away or even attend my wedding, for that matter. If her father is sincerely sorry for the way he has acted, he should understand her feelings and tell her that he completely understands and agrees that her grandfather deserves the honor. After all, the grandfather was the one who was part of her life when the father chose to walk away. I also disagree with your suggestion that she could walk alone. Why should she?
I have never regretted my decision and I've been married 15 years. Even after my father's death three years ago, I had no regrets.
In this situation and my own, the fathers were the adults and made their own adult decisions. Now it's time for her father to act like the adult he is and take what is handed to him. -- M.A.D.N., DOUGLASSVILLE, PA.
DEAR M.A.D.N.: If you have never regretted your decision, then you made the right one for you. I was surprised at the number of readers who disagreed with my answer -- although not everybody did. Read on for a different perspective:
DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Lisa," who does not want her father to walk her down the aisle or even to attend her wedding. My parents divorced when I was an infant. By the time I was in high school and college, our relationship had diminished to practically zero. My stepfather, who had been a wonderful "Dad" since I was 6, walked me down the aisle. I do not regret giving that honor to my stepfather, who had been -- and still is -- always there for me. But I wish I had handled it differently for my father's sake.
My father and I have since restored our relationship. We both know we have hurt each other and don't want it to happen again. Most of it was due to lack of communication. I thought he no longer loved me or wanted me around; he thought I didn't want him in my life. Both of us were terribly wrong.
Lisa, if you even think you MAY want a relationship with your father someday, please do as Abby suggested. Include him in your big day. Let him escort you down the aisle with your grandfather, or walk down the aisle by yourself with both of them sitting in the pews beaming with pride. -- J.M. IN THE MIDWEST
DEAR J.M.: I admire your compassion, even though it came to you from the perspective of hindsight. There was, however, a third alternative that both you and I did not consider. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: On the evening of my daughter's rehearsal dinner, she took her father aside and told him she had thought long and hard about her wedding day, and after reflecting on her childhood had reached a decision. She said, "Daddy, even though you have not been a big part of my life so far, I love you. However, we both know who has earned the honor of giving me away."
She went on to say that the honor of walking the bride down the aisle belongs to the person who guided her through childhood, late-night studies, heartbreaks and triumphs.
When the minister asked, "Who gives this woman to this man?" I proudly said, "I do!" -- THE PROUDEST MOM IN TENNESSEE
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Victims of Sexual Harassment Have Recourse to Legal Rights
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your response to "Intimidated in Toronto," advising the young woman that she does not have to put up with sexual harassment at work. As the nation's largest nonprofit working women's organization, "9to5" hears from thousands of women of all ages who have also been harassed and felt alone and confused. However, it's extremely important to let your readers know that harassing behavior is not only improper -- it's illegal.
Although it is estimated that one in four women have been sexually harassed, far fewer file a complaint -- because they don't know what their rights are or how to enforce them. It would be an invaluable service for you to let your readers know that quitting the job is NOT the only option available. Victims of harassment have legal recourse. As you correctly pointed out, it is quite likely that other female employees have been subjected to the same behavior. It is also quite likely that his harassment will continue until someone says, "Enough is enough!" and takes action to impose consequences through legal channels.
If any of your readers is being sexually harassed, please let him or her know that "9to5" has a toll-free Job Survival Hotline, 1-800-522-0925, with trained counselors who provide free information on workplace issues. Thank you once again for shedding light on this important subject. -- MEG LEWIS-SIDIME, PUBLIC AFFAIRS COORDINATOR, 9TO5, MILWAUKEE
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter from the 16-year-old girl whose boss is hugging, kissing and touching her in places he shouldn't be.
I am a law enforcement officer and would like to inform "Intimidated" that the actions of her boss are against the law. In the state of Washington, from the information given, an appropriate charge would be "sexual misconduct with a minor in the second degree." The kind of touching she describes, the age difference of the two parties involved, and the fact that her boss is abusing a supervisory position he holds over her are all elements of this crime. I am sure Canadian law has a similar statute.
Sexual crimes can be very debilitating to the victims, as is evidenced in the letter of the girl who wrote to you. I would urge her to quit that job immediately and get her parents and the police involved. Sexual criminals usually have many victims. Not only would she be helping herself, but many other past, present and future victims. -- TONY BRITTON, EVERETT, WASH.
DEAR TONY: I have received a bushel of mail in response to the letter from the sexually harassed teen-age girl in Toronto. Several were from law enforcement personnel such as yourself, and an astonishing number came from women who had also been sexually harassed by their employers as inexperienced teen-agers.
One pointed out that unless the girl takes control of the situation and reports it, it could affect the way she lives the rest of her life, because victims blame themselves, which leads to making bad choices and failure later in life.
A crime victim specialist in Oregon wrote: "While reporting the abuse does the obvious and stops the abuse, it also begins the healing process from 'victim' to 'survivor.' It is important for victims to understand that a sex offender offends by power and control. By reporting such offenses to the police, you are taking back that control."
Counseling would also be helpful to reassure the girl and let her know that none of this was her fault.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)