DEAR ABBY: Once again you have allowed a reader to euphemistically refer to someone in her little melodrama as "Bill."
Do you have any idea how much trouble this has caused me over the years with your moronic readers who believe that all these "Bills" are in fact me? Even when I'm able to convince them that that "Bill" is not this Bill, my explanations are time-consuming and mentally taxing. And after just so long, my alibis are no longer believed by some of these imbeciles, and I end up not only having to apologize for the behavior of the phantom Bill, but to apologize as well for having initially denied it was me!
Abby, thinking up enough good lies about my own atrocious behavior is something I can barely keep up with as it is. Will you please stop adding to this burden? Why not use the name of my brother, "Bob," instead? He gets away with a lot. -- BILL B. IN MELBOURNE, FLA.
DEAR BILL B.: I'll make a deal with you. If you promise to stop calling my readers moronic and imbecilic, I'll refrain for one year from labeling any character in my column as "Bill." And if I break that promise, you can bill me!