To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GIRL'S CLAIMS OF MOLESTATION SET FAMILY MEMBERS AT ODDS
DEAR ABBY: I have custody of my granddaughter, "Natasha," because my son and daughter-in-law divorced when Natasha was 3 months old. My daughter-in-law got involved with drugs and gave the baby to my son. My son had an accident and gave custody of Natasha to me because he could no longer take care of her.
When I turned 57, I sent Natasha to live with my daughter and son-in-law because I thought I was getting too old to have a 9-year-old.
A year ago, I found out that my son-in-law had been molesting Natasha, and I took her back. We went to the prosecuting attorney. After a year of counseling and trials, my son-in-law was found guilty of child molestation in the first degree.
Abby, when will my daughter stop blaming Natasha and me? She's telling everybody that Natasha lied -- that her husband never touched the child. She insists Natasha lied because she never liked her uncle. It has been a year now. Will my daughter ever get over it? -- TROUBLED MOM IN WASHINGTON
DEAR TROUBLED MOM: Your daughter is in denial, and there's no guarantee she'll ever get over it. Had there not been corroborating evidence to back up the accusation, I'm sure there wouldn't have been a conviction.
It seems that you are the only stable adult in Natasha's life. Although raising a child alone is difficult at your age, I hope you'll find the strength to do it.
Believe me, you are far from alone in having to assume the role of parent to a grandchild. According to U.S. Census Bureau figures, the number of children being raised by grandparents increased by 44 percent between 1980 and 1990. That figure went up 23 percent between 1990 and 1997. As of 1999, 1.4 million children live apart from their parents in households headed by grandparents.
In 1987, a support network called GAP (Grandparents as Parents) was founded that facilitates the sharing of experiences and feelings between grandparents who are raising their grandchildren. It provides information and referrals, a telephone support network, group member listing and assistance in starting groups.
To contact them, write: GAP, P.O. Box 964, Lakewood, Calif. 90714. (Please enclose a long, self-addressed, stamped envelope.)
A service sponsored by AARP called the Grandparents Information Center also refers custodial grandparents to support groups nationwide, and provides free publications on a variety of issues related to raising grandchildren, financial assistance and advocacy. To contact them, write: Grandparents Information Center, 601 E St. S.W., Washington, D.C. 20049.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY ASIAN FRIENDS: It's the Year of the Hare (Rabbit), and I'd like to take this opportunity to wish you a Happy New Year. So: "Gung Hay Fat Choy," "Kung Hsi Fa Tsai," "Kung Ho Hsin Hsi," "Hsin Nien Kuai Le," "San Ni Fei Lo" and "Chuc Mung Nam Moi." I wish happiness and prosperity to you all.
LETTERS TO TROOPS IN BOSNIA GIVE MORAL SUPPORT ALL YEAR
DEAR ABBY: I'm a soldier, deployed on Eagle Base in Tuzla, Bosnia. The soldiers on my team and I appreciate your column and your "Operation Dear Abby" holiday letter-writing campaign.
The Christmas holidays can be tough on all service members stationed abroad. I've been in the Army for 13 years and have been to my share of different countries. I have soldiers on my team who have never spent the holidays away from their families, and it makes their lives harder.
We appreciate your support of service personnel. Thanks to your readers, we receive mail daily even when we don't hear from family and friends.
God bless you, Abby, and your family. We salute you for helping to bring peace and good will to all our hearts. -- SGT. ANTHONY WOLFE, TALBOTT, TENN., AND THE SOLDIERS OF THE 263RD MAINTENANCE CO. BASED AT FORT HOOD, TEXAS
DEAR SGT. WOLFE: On behalf of my readers who once again participated so generously in Operation Dear Abby -- now in its 14th year -- thank you for writing. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. Although the worldwide mailing addresses for the program have expired for this year, the Bosnian addresses are valid year-round.
-- For Army, Navy, Air Force and Marine land forces in Bosnia:
ANY SERVICE MEMBER
OPERATION JOINT FORGE
APO AE 09397-0001
-- For Navy and Marine Corps personnel aboard ship:
ANY SERVICE MEMBER
OPERATION JOINT FORGE
FPO AE 09398-0001
DEAR ABBY: I'm currently stationed in Korea. Being far from home is really depressing, and "Operation Dear Abby" is a boost in morale for troops separated from friends and family. I have seen firsthand the effect it has. I know a few soldiers who rarely get mail from the states except for bills, and those letters were a really big deal to them.
Thank you, Abby, and thanks to everyone who took the time to give someone else a lift on a normally depressing day.
If you could please ask your readers to take a moment to remember five fellow soldiers who died on Oct. 31, 1998, here in Korea, I'm sure it would mean a lot to their families and those who served with them. -- SPC. KHRISTOPHER D. TRULL, CAMP HARVEY, KOREA
DEAR KHRISTOPHER: Thank you for your touching letter. And to the five families who lost a loved one on Oct. 31, please accept my deepest sympathy. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: On Dec. 3, my unit received a bundle of mail from your readers. Please express our thanks to everyone who sent "Any Soldier" mail overseas. The holiday season is a particularly difficult time for deployed service members. The letters made us feel appreciated and reinforced our decision to serve our nation. -- CAPT. RICH DEBANY, CAMP COMANCHE, BOSNIA-HERZEGOVINA
DEAR CAPT. DEBANY: You are most welcome. My readers and I feel privileged to support your efforts.
Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
HAPPY MARRIAGES EMBRACE FRIENDSHIP AS WELL AS LOVE
DEAR ABBY: Years ago you printed a list of tips for a happy marriage. I thought they were wonderful and had them framed. My husband and I recently retired to Florida, and somehow the list was lost during the move. Could you please run it again? -- NANCY IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.
DEAR NANCY: I'm pleased they meant so much to you. They certainly bear repeating, particularly on Valentine's Day, the day that celebrates love. Read on:
1. Look not for perfection in your mate. You will not find it, and it's just as well. Living with a saint could be very tiresome.
2. Let your love be stronger than your hate or anger.
3. Learn the wisdom of compromise, for it is better to bend a little than to break.
4. Believe the best rather than the worst. People have a way of living up or down to your opinion of them.
5. Remember that true friendship is the basis of any lasting relationship. The person you choose to marry is deserving of the courtesies and kindnesses you bestow upon your friends.
6. Practice forgiveness, for who among us hasn't needed to be forgiven?
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to you in order to reach grandparents of divorce who have been victimized by tangled state laws that make it difficult and expensive for them to visit their grandchildren if the custodial parent has moved out of state.
On Nov. 12, 1998, President Clinton signed into law a bill authored by Rep. Rob Andrews, D-N.J., that guarantees grandparents the right to visit their grandchildren anywhere in the United States, so long as a state court has provided for grandparent visitation. The law, known as the Visitation Rights Enforcement Act, requires states to recognize one another's visitation findings.
I was one of the thousands of grandparents who have experienced devastating difficulties trying to exercise my court-ordered visitation to my grandchildren. When my ex-daughter-in-law moved from New Jersey to North Carolina, I had to repeat the legal process all over again in North Carolina. I was granted visitation, but only after incurring three years of exorbitant legal fees, travel expenses and bureaucratic delay.
The Visitation Rights Enforcement Act mandates the reciprocal recognition of grandparents' rights once a state has ruled that those rights ought to exist, but please point out what this new law will not do: It will not impose a federal decision about grandparents' visitation rights on any state. The new law also does not preclude a new finding that changed circumstances or newly discovered inappropriate behavior might warrant the reversal of an earlier visitation order.
I urge grandparents to use this new law cautiously, but DO use it. -- JOSEPHINE M. D'ANTONIO, PRESIDENT OF GRANDPARENTS COUNT, CHERRY HILL, N.J.
DEAR JOSEPHINE: More than 75 percent of older Americans are grandparents. Congressman Rob Andrews advised me he sponsored the legislation because he had heard from many grandparents who had lost their relationship with their grandchildren when the state to which the custodial parent had moved would not grant visitation rights. I'm pleased to spread the news about the Visitation Rights Enforcement Act, which was designed to help frustrated grandparents keep in touch with their beloved grandchildren.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.