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by Abigail Van Buren

Distraught Ex Boyfriend Shows Signs of a Stalker

DEAR ABBY: What do you do when your daughter's ex-boyfriend continues to call you and ask for information about her personal life and activities?

After two years of dating, "Anna" ended the relationship. There were vast differences in their maturity and goals, and she had been unhappy for some time. Our family always welcomed him into our home, and I think because of this, he feels that I'll sympathize with him.

I have told him that I cannot and will not give out information that is no longer his concern, yet he continues to call. He cries and tells me how much he loves her, that he cannot live without her. This is beginning to frighten me, as I have seen him driving down our street late at night with the headlights turned off. He is not a teen-ager; he is 24. My daughter insists that he would never harm her, but his denial of reality makes me very concerned. -- A WORRIED MOM

DEAR WORRIED MOM: The next time he calls and cries, tell him that the signals he's sending out are not those of "love" but obsession. Tell him that he has been seen driving by with his lights off, and it's not a sign of devotion; it could be considered stalking. Explain that you are concerned about him because his behavior isn't normal, and if he's unable to accept reality, he should seek professional counseling. If he persists, consider getting caller ID -- and notify the police about the drive-bys.

DEAR ABBY: I am in love with a 44-year-old man I'll call "Mark." He was a guest for about five months here at the hotel where I work. Mark would stay here Monday through Friday and go home every weekend. His job transfer was the reason he was staying here. After he sold his home, he planned to move closer to here.

Well, a few days ago Mark got promoted, and now he has to work in Detroit. He lives only a couple of hours from Detroit, so he might not have to sell his house after all. The bad thing is, not only is Mark working in Detroit, he also has a wife.

I know this whole thing is wrong, but I love him. He promised to leave me his pager and cell phone numbers when he left, but he didn't. In fact, my boss was the one who told me that he got the new job and would never be back again. Mark and I saw each other for most of his stay here, and I miss him so much. I don't know why he left the way he did or why he hasn't even called. I have a boyfriend, and he happens to like Mark. (He doesn't know about us.)

I have Mark's address and telephone number at home, but I can't call because of his wife. I'm in the process of making plans to move to Detroit just so I can be near him. Abby, I love Mark and will do anything just to see his face and hear his voice -- even if it's for the last time. What should I do? -- MISSING MARK IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MISSING MARK: A man who cared about you and respected your feelings would not have left it to your boss to tell you about his promotion and the fact that he wasn't returning.

Not only are you missing Mark, you also seem to be missing the entire picture. Face it, my dear -- you've been dumped.

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