DEAR ABBY: You goofed when you advised "Tony's Mom" to buy earplugs if counseling couldn't keep her husband from yelling at their 10-year-old son. All that yelling will only harden the child, and when he reaches his teens, it could become explosive.
I, too, was a "yeller" and found my teen-ager becoming increasingly angry, hateful and disrespectful. Instead of trying to force him to change, I decided to change myself. I focused daily on adhering to the following goals:
1. I showed my love for my son by touching him gently at least 10 times a day with hugs, pats, or just resting a hand on his shoulder when he talked to me.
2. When I wanted his attention I went to him, touching him gently and speaking very softly, looking him in the eye.
3. I listened attentively to his stories, remarks, comments, etc., without judgment or criticism.
4. I stayed in control of my emotions and stopped yelling, which eliminated the power struggles.
This calmer, nicer approach reduced the arguments and resistance to what I asked. It was amazing how quickly I got my sweet, loving son back. -- WISER IN NORTH TEXAS
DEAR WISER: Your suggestions are certainly worth trying -- and in many cases could go a long way toward establishing a more loving family atmosphere.
However, I recommended family counseling because it can provide insight into how these disruptive patterns began, as well as methods for eliminating them and improving the level of communication between all parties.