DEAR ABBY: I'm being married soon, and as a bride-to-be, I have been very laid-back and agreeable to all of the arrangements my mother has made. At first, I asked if we could have just a small, informal barbecue. She said no -- so now we're having an all-out affair. My sister will be my maid of honor. I'm letting her wear whatever she wants. Even though my colors are blue, she is wearing a plum-colored dress. As long as she's happy, fine.
I have argued with my mother about only one thing: I have a beautiful, simple wedding dress. I want to wear a pair of sneakers with lace shoestrings because I will be on my feet all day. I don't want to wear heels because those shoes are not made for comfort. I think the sneakers with the lace "accents" will be very cute and nice.
Although this is really the only thing I am asking for myself, my mother is acting like I'll shame the family. (I am not doing the "garter" thing, so no one will even see the shoes.) I did agree with my mother that I'd wear proper wedding shoes for the ceremony and formal reception, but that wasn't good enough. I do not want to wear those ceremony shoes from 2:30 p.m. until 12:30 a.m.
Abby, my mother will not compromise. Why shouldn't I be comfortable at my own wedding? She's acting like I'm committing some horrible sin, and threatening I'll forever be the laughingstock of New Jersey. All I want is to be comfortable at my own wedding. Please help me put this into perspective. -- WISHING FOR COMFORTABLE SHOES, PARSIPPANY, N.J.
DEAR WISHING: Please tell your mother I suggest that she loosen up a little. Since you're wearing a long dress, and will be wearing traditional "wedding slippers" during the ceremony, your mother should be willing to compromise and allow you to wear your sneakers at the reception. Many brides simply kick off their high-heeled pumps and go through their receptions in stocking feet. Your idea has merit.
DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from my mother's funeral in another state. Not only did I have to go through the trauma of my mother dying in my arms, and then the funeral, but also a terrible battle with my brother and his wife about the "things" Mother left behind.
My sister-in-law made all the decisions about who would get what. Every time I tried to say that my mother told me during many telephone conversations what she wanted me to have, I was told, "You don't know what you're talking about!" There was an old will that did not specify to whom her possessions should go.
Abby, it was a horrible experience. I will never forget or forgive. I not only lost my beautiful mother, but a brother as well.
Please, advise older people to update their wills and make clear what is to be divided among the children or grandchildren. My brother disobeyed my mother's last wishes, and he must live with that knowledge for the rest of his life. -- DIANE D., FORT PIERCE, FLA.
DEAR DIANE: This is a topic that has appeared in my column regularly. I hope it serves as a reminder to those who need it.
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