What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sooner Is Better Than Later to Tell Kids About Adoption
DEAR ABBY: In a recent column you advised "Clueless in Michigan" to delay telling her daughter that her stepfather is not her biological parent until she is old enough to understand the difference.
NO! Tell her NOW, when she is TOO YOUNG to understand. It should not be done directly, but by occasionally and casually referring to her "other father." If she knows all along that she had "another father," then it will not be a great shock later on when she is able to understand.
The same holds true for adopted children, Abby. From the day they are adopted, they should occasionally be referred to as adopted. Then, when they are old enough to ask, they should be told what it means. -- ROWENA SPENCER, M.D., RETIRED PEDIATRIC SURGEON
DEAR DR. SPENCER: Your thinking makes sense. Thank you for writing. When a fact is presented to a child who is too young to question it, the child simply accepts it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I agree the baby should be told her father had adopted her, but why wait? Do it right away!
My parents adopted me when I was only 6 days old. From the first minute I was home with them, they began the process of making me comfortable with being adopted. They always referred to me as an infant as their special adopted child. They told me stories all through my childhood about the king and queen who were very sad because they couldn't have children of their own, so they went on a long journey and found a beautiful baby girl by the river who they adopted as their own and made their princess.
They gave birth to a "natural" daughter 10 months after I was born, and when we fought as children -- like ALL children do -- I had been made to feel so special that I often turned the tables and told her, "Well, Mom and Dad didn't get to CHOOSE you!"
I am 28 years old now and have never for a moment had any issues concerning being adopted. I have never for a moment felt a void in my life, or a need to contact my "real" parents. I'm being married in six months, and my real sister is my maid of honor, my real dad is walking me down the aisle, and my real mom is going to be with me every step of the way.
Babies are never too young to understand things on some level, and the best answer to the question of "When did you find out you were adopted?" is, "I've ALWAYS known." -- TOGETHER IN TORONTO
DEAR TOGETHER: Your signature says it all. Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding. If there is any question in any reader's mind about when a child should be told it is adopted, I think you have answered that question once and for all.
DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. My boyfriend is pushing me into things that I don't want to do. I tell him no, but he just ignores me. What should I do? I really like this boy a lot and don't want to hurt his feelings. -- WENDY IN WHITEFORD, MD.
DEAR WENDY: First, stop worrying about hurting his feelings, because by ignoring you when you say "no," he is showing you that he has no qualms about hurting yours.
Wendy, I hope you will take this to heart: No one has the right to pressure you into doing anything you know in your heart is wrong. Draw the line and stand your ground. You will be respected for it.
Smoker's Reluctance to Quit Frustrates Concerned Family
DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother has been diagnosed with emphysema and deteriorating lungs. Last April, the doctor's prognosis was that she would die within the year. We decided to move to her hometown to be with her and the family during this time of crisis.
We have discovered that she still smokes cigarettes and doesn't use her oxygen as often as she should. Her doctor ordered her to quit working, so now she is home all day, and all she does is complain and talk about dying. Abby, if she's so worried about dying, why won't she quit smoking and try to make herself better? She is not that old.
She has four wonderful grandchildren to watch grow up, and my husband and I would like her to be around when WE have children. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall whenever I try to talk to her and give her words of encouragement. She refuses to go to another doctor for a second opinion, which I feel she needs to do.
Abby, what can the family and I do to help her see the light? I'm hopeful that if she sees this letter in the paper, she'll understand what we are going through. -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW
DEAR CONCERNED: Your mother-in-law probably has not stopped smoking because she is hopelessly addicted to cigarettes and feels that because she is terminal, it's useless to fight a battle she has been told she will lose anyway.
Your suggestion that she seek a second medical opinion was excellent. No one should accept a death sentence without seeking a second opinion -- or even a third. Your husband and the other members of the family should schedule an appointment for Mom and see that she keeps it. Where there is life, there is hope.
Your letter is a timely one, because today marks the 23rd annual Great American Smokeout. For those who may not know about it, the Smokeout is an upbeat, good-humored, one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit smoking for 24 hours -- just to prove to themselves they can do it.
In 1998, 19 percent of smokers (approximately 8,930,000 people) participated in the Great American Smokeout. Of those participating, 10 percent -- more than 890,000 adults -- reported that they were smoking less or not at all one to five days later. That's more than 89,000 people who are well on their way to healthier, smoke-free lives -- thanks to the American Cancer Society.
While "cold turkey" is the most difficult way to quit, I'm told it is also the most effective way to rid oneself of the habit. Those who need help or want more information about the effects of tobacco may call their local chapter of the American Cancer Society or (800) ACS-2345.
And so, Dear Readers, if you're hooked on tobacco and have been saying, "One of these days I've got to quit," why not join the Great American Smokeout and quit today? It won't be easy, but it will be the best holiday present you can give yourself and those who love you.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Business Owners, Beware: Fraud Can Happen Anywhere
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Depressed in Texas" about her concern that her husband's business partner was stealing from them. I agree with your advice about having an independent CPA set up the accounting system, and consulting an attorney if the partner does not agree.
However, "Depressed" did raise a warning to other business owners. Whenever a person in charge of the records limits access to the records, it may be a red flag denoting fraud.
Our firm specializes in forensic and investigative accounting. Over the years, our partners have audited thousands of claims for fraud and employee dishonesty. The comment we hear most frequently: "That guy was my trusted friend." It can happen anywhere, at any time.
As a service to your readers, the following is a list of some other "red flags" business owners should look for indicating fraud or employee dishonesty:
-- Excessive drinking or gambling
-- Refusing access to records
-- Rewriting records for "neatness"
-- Coming into a "sudden inheritance"
-- Skipping vacations
-- Overriding internal controls
-- Attempts to dodge or direct an internal audit
-- Working regular overtime
-- Carrying excessive cash
-- Bouncing personal checks
-- Turning down promotions
-- Maintaining a high lifestyle
-- Has check-signing authority
-- Intimidates staff and other co-workers
Abby, theft is a serious problem costing society billions each year. The costs are always passed on to the consumer in the form of higher prices. If someone suspects he or she is having this kind of problem, it is best to contact an accountant or attorney who specializes in this area. Often an experienced fraud examiner can perform an audit without the knowledge of the alleged embezzler. A CPA can be helpful in implementing internal controls that will lower the risk of fraud. -- HENRY H. KAHRS, CPA, CERTIFIED FRAUD EXAMINER, ORANGE, CALIF.
DEAR MR. KAHRS: Thank you for an eyebrow-raising but helpful letter. I'm sad to say the business partner that "Depressed in Texas" complained about has exhibited at least two of the warning signs you listed. As a service to business owners, I'm printing your letter in its entirety.
DEAR ABBY: My mother has given her family 80 years of love, a wonderful sense of humor to get us through hardships, and always a smile and a hug at her front door. I thought you'd enjoy her latest gem:
"You know you're getting old when the only thing you exercise is caution!" -- DAVE IN SAN RAFAEL
DEAR DAVE: That's cute. I have another one for you. A family friend who fancies himself a "man about town" once told me he knew HE was getting old when his barber said she had "just the girl for him" -- and offered to fix him up with her grandmother.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)