To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DRIVER RESENTS CHAUFFEURING WIDOWS WHO NEED A LIFT
DEAR ABBY: Never did I think I'd be writing to you, but for the past few years I have been plagued by widows who cannot drive. However, most are not shy when it comes to expecting neighbors to drive them to church, to shop, to the doctor or the dentist, to senior affairs, etc.
What in the world were these women -- and their husbands -- thinking in years past? It's a well-known fact that women usually outlive their husbands. Did they think a chauffeur would automatically appear when the husband died? Or were the husbands stubborn male chauvinists who refused to accept the fact that they might go first?
I loved your item re: Who would a man rescue if both his mother and his wife were going over the falls and he could rescue only one? You humorously wrote, "... it's so important for women to know how to paddle their own canoes." Amen! Healthy ladies: LEARN TO DRIVE!
Thankfully, the new generation has all girls and women learning to drive early. Those no-drive widows are such a pain. -- WIDOW-DRIVER IN ILLINOIS
DEAR WIDOW-DRIVER: I have another saying for you: "You don't have to run to the fire every time you hear a siren." Perhaps your pain would be less if you made yourself less available. I'm sure those nondriving widows would try harder to arrange other transportation if they could hear what you're saying under your breath!
Another thing to consider: Not all older widows are good candidates for learning how to drive.
DEAR ABBY: With regard to the letter from "Bound and Boiling," I just want to reassure the three young women who spent the night bound and gagged in the fast-food restaurant that, as a political scientist who has studied crime and violence for more than two decades, I am firmly convinced that they did the right thing in not resisting.
The risks involved in resisting an armed robbery far outweigh those of not resisting.
As the old military axiom goes, "Great courage is required to take a seemingly unheroic action." -- ERNEST H. EVANS, LEAVENWORTH, KAN.
DEAR ERNEST: I agree. It takes presence of mind to remain calm in an emergency, and to weigh whether heroism is prudent.
DEAR READERS: This wonderful poem, written as the closing remarks for a friend's speech on Memorial Day at a veterans cemetery, was sent to me by the author's wife, Marie C. Middleton. I think it is fitting to print it to honor Veterans Day. Read on:
A SOLDIER'S PRAYER
by Maj. Gen. James B. Middleton
Lord, bless the wives
who grieve alone,
And comfort the mothers
who mourn their own.
Give solace to the fathers
who lost their sons
On foreign shores and in
places unknown.
Lord, strengthen the resolve
of we who remain
To see that they did not
die in vain.
DEMAND AFTER MOTHER'S FUNERAL STILL RANKLES AFTER MANY YEARS
DEAR ABBY: My parents divorced when I was 2 years old, and remarried soon afterward. Unfortunately, the man my mother married was an abusive alcoholic whose beatings eventually contributed to her death in 1981. My father had remained on good terms with my mother throughout the years, and he and my stepmother attended the funeral.
After the funeral service, my stepmother said to me, "I insist that you thank your stepfather for putting up with your mother all those years. You should spend the rest of the afternoon with him and his family."
Not wishing to cause a scene, I did what she ordered. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Abby, no one deserved the punishment my stepfather inflicted on my mother. My stepmother knew exactly what he had done to my mother and to me, too. How could she make such a demand?
After all these years, at 42, I am still troubled by my stepmother's demand, and the fact that I actually obeyed! What can I do to get over this? -- STILL TROUBLED AFTER ALL THESE YEARS, ROCKLAND, DEL.
DEAR STILL TROUBLED: Your stepmother's comments were outrageous. She may have hated and resented your mother, and felt she had gotten what she deserved. And, like many victims of abuse, your self-esteem was so low you obeyed her without question.
Counseling can help you work through the feelings you're experiencing. Since you're still troubled, I hope you won't wait any longer.
DEAR ABBY: This is in reference to the letter from the 23-year-old manager of a suburban fast-food restaurant and the teens who were bound and left after a robbery. I want to address the fact that the parents of these teens never came to find out why they were out all night. As a parent of a 15-year-old and a 13-year-old (and for 10 months, a 17-year-old foreign exchange student), I have an explanation for the apparent lack of concern from the parents. Exhaustion!
Our 17-year-old had curfew hours on the weekend, which her mother and I set. Our student would be home exactly on time or call us if there was a problem. At first, I stayed up to make sure she got home -- but after arising for work at 5 a.m. every day, I was too exhausted to be efficient. I shared this problem with other parents of teen-agers. Here's how I solved it:
I set an alarm for the time the child should be home. If the child gets home before the alarm goes off, he or she turns off the alarm and goes to bed. If the child does not arrive home in time, the alarm goes off and wakes the parent. Parents get their sleep -- and the teens get to keep the hours they desperately want. -- ANGIE IN L.A.
DEAR ANGIE: I received a stack of mail from defensive parents of teens about my reply to that letter, for saying that the parents of those young girls weren't doing an adequate job. Many said that their teen-agers ignore their attempts at discipline and refuse to accept their authority or curfews. Others said they were unable to wait up for their children and still function the next day.
For households where there is mutual respect and order, your solution is ingenious. I only wish I had stock in an alarm clock company.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Unexpected Guest for Dinner Party Results in Empty Seats
DEAR ABBY: Some friends of mine and my husband's invited us over for a sit-down dinner at their home. The friends are acquainted with my husband's parents and extended a written invitation to them as well, which I thought was very nice.
Because the friends live some distance away, we planned to carpool there with my in-laws. When my in-laws arrived at our door, they had my sister-in-law with them. (She's middle-aged and still lives at home.) I was mortified because I knew "Sis" hadn't been invited.
I promptly called the hosts to give them a heads-up and an apology, and offered to bring more food. My mother-in-law overheard me on the phone and took great offense and said they weren't going. She said my husband and I were rude because we treated Sis like a criminal. She asked repeatedly before storming off, "What's one more person gonna hurt?" Who was in the wrong here? -- BAFFLED BY LACK OF ETIQUETTE
DEAR BAFFLED: Your mother-in-law was wrong to bring an uninvited guest with her. Assuming you quietly telephoned to warn the hosts, and did not embarrass your sister-in-law by doing it in front of her, your mother-in-law was wrong again in taking offense because you tried to keep the hosts from being caught flat-footed. It was extremely rude to punish the hosts by leaving them with empty seats at their table at the last minute.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Wounded in Midland, Texas," who was devastated because a friend had told her that her deceased husband had had an affair. Twelve years ago, when I was 23, my husband committed suicide while I was in the room with him. Not only did I have to deal with the pain of losing him, but also the guilt of wondering what I could have done to stop him.
At his funeral, several of our "friends" just had to share stories about his infidelities and drug habits with me. They laughed about them. (This was the first I had heard of them.)
I'll never understand why people do that when you're at one of the lowest points in your life. If they couldn't tell me while he was with me, what was the point of telling me then? Losing someone causes enough pain; at least leave us with what happy memories we have.
I, too, went through years of therapy and am now happily remarried for eight years, but I'll never forget those "friends" at the funeral. Needless to say, I haven't seen or talked to them in 12 years. -- ALSO WOUNDED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR ALSO WOUNDED: I'm pleased that you have managed to get past your tragedy and have gone on to have a successful life. Believe it or not, I have actually heard from some people who feel that the widow should be told so that she won't idealize her deceased spouse and will "get on with her life." I have never subscribed to the "for your own good" school of disclosure. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In response to the lady from Midland, Texas, whose "friend" divulged that her deceased husband had carried on a verifiable affair, she should ask herself, "Why did she tell me this?" The answer, of course, is she wanted to HURT her!
My sister revealed that my son had told his cousin that he didn't care about coming back home again after receiving his degrees. I cried every night after work for three months, until my husband asked me, "Why did she tell you that?" To hurt me, of course. I promptly quit bawling. -- FEELING FINE, PRAIRIE VILLAGE, KAN.
DEAR FEELING FINE: I applaud your husband for his insight.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)