Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PROTEST AGAINST CO-HABITATION FALLS ON DAUGHTER'S DEAF EARS
DEAR ABBY: My daughter is contemplating moving in with her boyfriend next spring. She is 21, he is 22. They have been dating for nearly two years. They have both completed two years of college, but have not made plans to continue their education.
Both have been employed in good summer jobs, but they have no prospects for steady employment. She lives with us and he lives with his parents.
Her father and I don't want to see them live together for all the reasons that seem obvious to us. It seems like we have no good arguments against this plan. Could you give us any help? -- CONCERNED MOM IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: The old adage "two can live as cheaply as one" is baloney. Ask them how they plan to pay the rent, utilities, license fees, car insurance, doctor bills, buy groceries and clothing, and build a nest egg for retirement.
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Furious," whose in-laws expect her and her family to stick to the in-laws' schedule when they come to visit, was understanding and appropriate. "Furious" is making a mountain out of a molehill. If her in-laws lived in Hawaii and she was in New York, or vice versa, the time difference would be as much as six hours, and THEN it would be worth getting upset about. However, since only one hour is involved, "Furious" should just grin and bear it. If this is the most serious in-law problem she has, she should count her blessings. -- R.W. IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR R.W.: Thank you for the supportive letter. However, quite a few seniors chastised me for my reply. They told me people in their 60s are not too set in their routines to adapt, and old dogs CAN learn new tricks.
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about "Furious," whose husband threatened to divorce her if she didn't keep quiet about his parents sticking to their own time schedules when they were visiting. What kind of husband would divorce his wife of 27 years for voicing her opinion and standing up for her rights -- something he obviously can't do?
I've had a few run-ins with my in-laws, so I know where she's coming from. They started throwing insults my way, but I stood up for myself. They didn't speak to me for months. When my husband made excuses for them, I sat him down and helped him understand how upset and hurt I felt. He finally realized that our marriage was his No. 1 priority, and insisted his parents apologize to me.
Abby, his parents were stunned at first, but now they show me some respect.
A simple solution would be for "Furious" and her family to push up their schedule by half an hour, and for his parents to push theirs back by half an hour. This way everyone compromises and they all win. Sign me ... WIVES SHOULD COME FIRST, LONG ISLAND, N.Y.
DEAR WIVES: Compromise. That's a very good idea. A little give-and-take would make the in-laws' visit much more palatable.
DEAR ABBY: You hear so much about caregivers abusing children in the home, but the same thing can happen to the elderly when you rely on home care. My mother and stepfather had live-in care until he passed away. My sister and I were left with full responsibility for Mom, who is 95 and has Alzheimer's disease. We debated putting her in a nursing home, but decided she'd be better off in familiar surroundings, so we kept her at home with "Inga," a live-in caregiver who had been recommended by a previous live-in. We visited Mom often, usually the two of us together.
Mom can barely walk with a walker, so we don't try to take her out anymore. Imagine our shock when the police called one night, saying they had Mom at the police station. Inga had been arrested for shoplifting. After being put into a squad car, she told police she had left Mother in a car in the parking lot. However, she refused to tell them who my mother was! Miraculously, Mom remembered her address, but not her name. The police went to her home, found someone in the house (to this day we don't know who), and located my phone number.
We had questioned Inga about missing items at the house. Food disappeared unusually fast and so did detergent. Phone bills and utilities were also higher than usual. We don't know how many times Mom had been left alone in the car during Inga's shoplifting sprees. Because of her poor memory, Mom couldn't tell us. When we cleaned out Inga's closet, we found many stolen items. Later, neighbors told us they had seen strange people coming and going out the back door. We suspect they had been sleeping in the attic or the basement.
We now have another live-in who seems trustworthy, but my sister and I drive by the house occasionally at night, talk to Mom's neighbors, and vary the days and hours we visit. No one in this situation should have a set routine. Relatives should drop in unexpectedly and keep their eyes open. If something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't. -- STILL IN SHOCK IN ILLINOIS
DEAR STILL IN SHOCK: Your letter is sure to be a wake-up call for many children of older adults. The obvious lesson to be learned is the importance of hiring through a reputable agency. When selecting and evaluating a respite-care service, help is available from the local Alzheimer's Association. In its "Respite Care Guide: How to Find What's Right for You," the association suggests that a prospective caregiver be asked the following questions:
-- "What is your training?"
-- "Why are you interested in this job?"
-- "What are your past/current home-care experiences?"
-- "Have you ever worked with someone with dementia?"
-- "When/how often are you available? Do you have backup if you're unable to come?"
-- "Are you bonded?"
-- "Who can I talk to at your agency if I have a concern?"
-- "Tell me about yourself ... your interests? Hobbies?"
-- "Why did you leave your past job?"
-- "Do you have any references?"
Do not settle on someone who doesn't make you feel comfortable. Interview several helpers, if necessary, to find the right person for your particular situation.
To purchase the "Respite Care Guide," call the Alzheimer's Association's toll-free number: (800) 272-3900. The cost is $1.75 per booklet. The guide can also be purchased at local Alzheimer's Association chapters.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
Locals in Wine Country Know They Must Drive With Caution
DEAR ABBY: The letter about the wine taster with an alcohol problem prompts this letter. I, too, live in Napa, Calif. -- and the letter you ran that described the winery worker's on-the-job alcohol abuse is a dirty little secret here in "wine country."
Should I become injured or killed in an auto accident on local roads, my family knows what to do. I told them to look into the driver's recent whereabouts, and if the driver is a wine tasting-room employee to seek compensation from both the driver and the employer! The same holds true if the driver was a guest at the wine tasting room and is inebriated.
The letter said the woman's supervisor was aware of her drinking problem. In my opinion, this makes the winery at least equally responsible in a highway accident -- perhaps more so if they have not attempted to resolve the problem.
The supervisor should use company money to get the alcoholic employee into a treatment program. There happens to be a premier treatment facility in the heart of Napa Valley.
In the meantime, the worried co-worker should drive herself to work -- that is, unless she wants to make her survivors wealthy. -- AVOIDS THE ROADS WHEN I CAN
DEAR AVOIDS THE ROAD: Telling your survivors to sue the winery will do nothing to protect YOU. Few of us can avoid traveling on roads and highways, so let me repeat a message that longtime readers have seen before: If you have been drinking, do not drive. If you are driving, do not drink. And do not RIDE with a driver who has been drinking or using drugs. The biggest liability settlement in history is no compensation for the tragedy of lost life and limb -- and that's the result when someone under the influence gets behind the wheel.
As you have pointed out, treatment is available. Effective, free self-help programs like Alcoholics Anonymous exist in almost every community. Telling someone at work, at home, in your neighborhood or your social life that you're concerned about his or her substance abuse isn't easy. People in denial usually don't welcome these conversations and may react with anger; however, speaking up instead of remaining silent may prevent a terrible tragedy.
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the woman who wanted to name her son "the third," even though his name won't be identical to his father's or grandfather's. She told you that "English kings do it all the time."
Abby, please inform that woman that the number after a king's name is a historical designation only. It's not part of his name and is not used during his lifetime. The king now known as Henry VIII was called "King Henry" in his time. Although he was the son of King Henry VII, he wasn't even related to Kings Henry I through VI. He would have had to be the eighth Henry in his family to carry the number VIII after his name while he was living.
Unless the mother plans to crown her son king (in which case he would be the first, not the third), she must use her husband's and father-in-law's exact name in order to call her son a III. Please sign me ... ROYALLY SPEAKING
DEAR R.S.: How clearly you explain the system! Thank you for clarifying the numbering of England's kings. It is also the system used to number other European monarchs, as well as the popes of the Catholic Church.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)