For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
RUNAWAY DAD ISN'T WELCOME TO WALK DAUGHTER DOWN AISLE
DEAR ABBY: I need some advice about how to talk to my father. I'm getting married soon and do not want him to give me away at the wedding ceremony.
He left when I was about 2 years old and came back into the picture again when I was 16. The man who was more like a father to me, and still is, is my grandfather. He is the person I would like to ask to give me away.
I haven't been able to come up with a diplomatic way of telling my father how I feel. I'm not even sure I want him at my wedding. He knows I don't value him as a daughter should value a father and has made several attempts to redeem himself in my eyes. However, I am far from impressed.
Since I am sadly lacking communication skills, will you please help me? -- LISA IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LISA: You communicate your feelings better than you think you do. May I suggest a compromise? Ask both your father and your grandfather to walk you down the aisle, one on each arm. There is no reason to hurt either man on your special day. In years to come you will be happy you made the gesture. The alternative is to walk down the aisle alone.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Still Crying in Fairmont," whose fiance, "Mike," rejected her after she had spent a year caring for his sick mother, really hit home with me. I was asked to come to Colorado from the Northwest to help a man who had some development property. "Cary's" affairs were in a mess. He hired me, and I tried to straighten everything out. He promised to pay me after everything was taken care of. Like Mike, Cary pledged eternal fidelity and promised we'd have a wonderful life together. I worked long hours every day for six years for him.
Cary received some death threats, and I even risked my life for him. I protected him because I believed him. I spent 18 months in prison because I refused to testify against him. Guess what? When I was released, I came home and found he was living with another woman! He told me he had never cared about me, and has since tried to make me look like the bad guy.
I have cried a bucket of tears and am ashamed for having been taken in. My life has been torn apart, and I ended up with post-traumatic stress syndrome. I finally realized that Cary has done this to people all his life. Well, enough was enough! I sued him for what he owes me. No judgment has been rendered, but I do have a trial date.
Abby, men like Mike and Cary are the worst criminals of all. Not only do they take everything you have, they break your heart.
I have been sick emotionally and physically, and cannot seem to get over it and have turned to God for his guidance. -- DEVASTATED IN DENVER
DEAR DEVASTATED: You have my sympathy. There is give- and-take in all relationships, but it's supposed to be a two-way street. It's clear from your letter that you did all the giving and Cary did all the taking.
I'm pleased that you are finding comfort in God. I can't think of a more potent combination than God and a good lawyer. I hope you nail the buzzard.
FIANCE'S LENGTHY AFFAIR CASTS LONG SHADOW ON WEDDING PLAN
DEAR ABBY: I recently discovered that my fiance has been seeing another woman for the past year and a half. He swears that I am the one he loves, and he still wants us to get married. However, I'm having difficulty digesting all that has happened. To make matters worse, the other woman is pregnant.
What should I do? I love him, but will I be able to trust him? Should I marry him and live with the knowledge of his affair and love child for the rest of my life? -- DEVASTATED IN NEW YORK
DEAR DEVASTATED: I can't decide that for you. The question you must ask yourself is how will it affect you as your husband supports the child he fathered during your engagement, and your own ability to accept the child if your husband wants it to be part of your lives. After all, it's his flesh and blood.
Your fiance has committed a serious breach of trust, and you are right to question both his truthfulness and his ability to be monogamous. A relationship that has lasted a year and a half isn't a "fling" or a one-night stand. Proceed with caution.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our 20s and have the first grandchild on both sides of the family. Naturally, they all want to spend time with her. Because of a divorce/remarriage in the family, there are three sets of grandparents and two sets of great-grandparents. Some of them see her at least twice a week, the rest at least once a week.
Abby, my mother is offended that we asked another grandparent to baby-sit for us once. Another problem is a couple of the grandparents think our 5-month-old daughter should taste adult food. We have advice from nurses about our daughter's care, but the grandparents think they know better than us or the nurses.
We know that it is good for our child to know all her grandparents and that she is special to them, but we need time with her without them.
Please print our letter. Maybe they will recognize themselves, and then my wife will not have to feel guilty for no reason, and perhaps they will back off and let us parent our daughter without our having to move far away. -- YOUNG FATHER IN CANADA
DEAR YOUNG FATHER: With three sets of grandparents competing to see who will spend more time with the child, I don't blame you for feeling overwhelmed. Ignore any advice that conflicts with your pediatrician's -- and establish a strict schedule for them to see your daughter.
DEAR READERS: Today we celebrate the birth of a great American, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., whose life was dedicated to furthering equality for those to whom it had been denied. His speech, which began, "I have a dream ..." is a classic.
However, another quote of Dr. King's bears repeating: "The good neighbor looks beyond the external accidents and discerns those inner qualities that make all men human, and therefore, brothers."
During this final year of the century, look into the hearts of your neighbors. It will reconfirm that despite our difference, we are all very much alike.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Older Houseguests May Want to Test Their Guest Ability
DEAR ABBY: During the holiday season, you often publish letters from older persons complaining about being alone or left out. Last winter, my husband and I entertained six sets of overnight guests at our Florida home. Most of them were over 65. Based upon our experience, here is a questionnaire for the person who hasn't received another invitation:
(1) When you arrived, did you greet the host and hostess warmly -- or did you complain about the airline, the stairs, the driveway, the distance, the traffic and the crowds?
(2) If you have special dietary requirements, did you inform your hosts well in advance, or did you wait until the meal was on the table? Did you expect everyone to eat only your special diet?
(3) Did you talk about anything other than your medical problems? Did you show an interest in others and ask questions about their lives?
(4) Did you complain that the bed was too hard or too soft, and if the pillow was not to your liking, did you feel compelled to say so?
(5) Did you claim the best chair in the house as yours for the entire visit? Did you complain about the weather? Did you adjust the thermostat to your comfort level without first asking your hosts?
(6) If you are early to bed and early to rise, did you expect the entire household to conform to your schedule?
(7) Did you state your opinion and give advice on every topic? Or did you consider the fact that others may know something, too?
(8) Did you express gratitude for the efforts your hosts made on your behalf?
Abby, our reason for inviting guests is to enjoy their company. What causes some people to think they no longer need to practice good manners simply because they are older? -- INVITING FEWER PEOPLE TO FLORIDA THIS YEAR
DEAR INVITING: Your frustration with houseguests is reflected in your questions. Good manners are essential at any age. It is as important to be a good guest as it is to be a gracious host.
You may appreciate the following "Caution to Houseguests" submitted by Nita Skidmore. It appeared in my column a few years ago.
CAUTION TO HOUSEGUESTS
(1) Open all closet doors and drawers with caution.
(2) Do not move any heavy furniture -- there may be dirt.
(3) Don't draw your finger across any picture frame. (We rarely dust.)
(4) Do not open the box under the kitchen table. (That's where we keep Grandma's ashes.)
(5) Don't be afraid to use a clean towel and washcloth. We have plenty. (As you can see, we have traveled a lot.)
(6) If you take a book from the shelf, beware of moths and bookworms.
(7) Don't bother looking under any bed -- there's not room enough for a man.
(8) Please sit down very carefully -- the cat might be there.
(9) If you should find a long hair, give it back to me; I need them all.
(10) Feel free to help yourselves to anything you find in the fridge. It's always too full anyway.
(11) Do not remove the toilet paper from the bathroom sink -- it's our solution to the leaky faucet.
(12) Don't ask why the dragonflies fly only in the side yard. Nobody knows.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.