Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Parents' Divorce Is Painful for Mother and Daughter
DEAR ABBY: After nearly 40 years of marriage, my parents are in the middle of a divorce. My mother is devastated and humiliated. My father is now living with "Carol," who was my mother's best friend. They are living in what used to be my grandparents' home, less than a mile from Mother.
Mother is trying to get on with her life, but how can she when Carol insists on shopping at the store where my mother works? My father acts like he's done nothing wrong.
Abby, have they lost their minds? I'd like to think my father is sane, but I'm not too sure anymore. I'd greatly appreciate some advice about how to deal with this. -- IRATE IN TEXAS
DEAR IRATE: I hope your mother has a good divorce lawyer, because after having invested 40 years in her marriage she deserves to be left with more than "devastation and humiliation."
In some ways, a divorce is like a death in the family. Your mother is going to need time to grieve and heal. Do not allow her to isolate herself. Keep her busy and help her find new activities to occupy her time and her mind. Exercise is not only good for the body, it can help to keep depression at bay. Encourage her to join a gym or enroll in exercise classes. The more social contacts your mother can make, the better. It's important that she meet new people. Assure her that this is only the end of a chapter, it's not the whole story. And please tell her she is in my prayers.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing in reference to some old coins that were left to me. I have no idea how to determine their worth, if any.
I have some pennies that are dated back to 1842, 1832 and 1803. I'd really like to find out more about them, but I don't know where to begin.
I was hoping that you or one of your experts could advise me where to get an honest appraisal of these coins.
I would appreciate any help you can give me. I am a longtime fan of your column. -- J.McW. IN RIVERSIDE, N.J.
DEAR J.: To get an honest appraisal, consult several coin dealers in your area and compare their estimates. In addition, your public library will have many books on coins and other valuable collectibles, and there are also many magazines for collectors. These should also provide some guidance on the value of your coins. You might consider locating a coin collector's club in your area to learn more about your pennies.
DEAR ABBY: I want to thank you for a letter I wrote you. No, I didn't mail it, but writing the letter and sharing it with my family afterward helped me greatly. It forced me to organize my thoughts and get in touch with my feelings, and it opened up helpful, healing dialogue.
May I suggest to your readers that they try this approach to whatever might be causing their sleepless nights? SENDING the letter is optional, but WRITING it can be essential in coming to terms with, and even solving, life's problems. -- PAM HANSSEN, SAN MATEO, CALIF.
DEAR PAM: I am a firm believer in the healing power of the pen, and I'm certain that many more letters have been written to me than have crossed my desk. For years readers have closed their letters with the statement, "Thank you, Abby ... I feel better just having gotten this off my chest." I'm delighted to help in any way I can, even as a silent sounding board.
GOLDEN RULE IS ONE LESSON FRESHMAN HAS YET TO LEARN
DEAR ABBY: My son, "Steve," is 18 and will be going to junior college this fall. He will commute back and forth to school and has a part-time job that pays very little.
Steve is basically a good kid. He's not into drugs or alcohol, but he is stubborn and bullheaded. Whenever he needs gas money, clothes ironed or lunches made, I'm usually there to help out. However, when the shoe is on the other foot and I need help with chores and things around the house, he always manages to wiggle out of it, dump the task on his younger brother, or be "too busy" with his friends to stop and help me.
When I try to talk to Steve about it, he gets an attitude and ignores me, or walks away from me, then runs off to be with his friends. If my husband or I try to discuss this with him, he says now that he's 18, he's a man.
Abby, I am thoroughly disgusted with Steve's attitude. What should I do to get him to help around the house? -- TIRED MOM IN MANITO, ILL.
DEAR TIRED MOM: You've done more than enough for this new "man" in the family. I suggest that you make yourself unavailable when Steve needs gas money, clothes ironed or lunches made. Should he ask why, tell him in no uncertain terms that adults are supposed to live cooperatively with each other, and unless he's prepared to cooperate with you and his father, he can assume complete responsibility for his own needs.
DEAR ABBY: This has bothered me for the past 12 years.
I have been married almost 43 years. After our last child moved out, my husband had a midlife crisis. To be specific, he had an affair with someone half his age. Abby, she was younger than two of our children. Out of this affair came a baby. We had DNA testing to be sure it was his.
My question: What is this child to me? What should she call me? She calls me by my first name, which irritates me. Please do not print my name or location. -- IRRITATED
DEAR IRRITATED: The child is not related to you, and if there's a formal designation for someone in your situation, I'm not aware of it. Assuming there are warm feelings between the two of you, select a nickname for her to call you and ask her to please use it.
DEAR ABBY: "Steamed in Boston" complained about food servers asking if he wanted his change back. In my opinion, asking customers if they want their change in order to save a trip back to the table is unprofessional.
My first job as a food server was in a restaurant where the owner forbade us to ask that question. A fellow server told me to say instead, "I'll be right back with your change." That way, the customer could reply, "OK," or, "Keep the change," with no toes stepped on and nothing left in doubt. -- EX-FOOD SERVER IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR EX: Many servers wrote to offer the same suggestion. One said that 90 percent of the time the customer will reply, "There's no need to return the change; it's for you."
Servers reported that the question is used to determine if a trip back to the table is necessary, because they are often swamped, and not having to return to the table saves them time for another customer. To that, I respond, "There are no shortcuts to quality service."
(Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)
Fiance's Abusive Mother Terrifies His Bride to Be
DEAR ABBY: I desperately need your advice about my soon-to-be mother-in-law. (I'll call her Kay.) She was a horrible mother to my fiance, "Frank." He and his brother grew up with severe physical and emotional abuse. I believe Kay must have a mental disorder that causes her to do these things. However, in recent years her behavior has improved. The verbal abuse isn't constant like it was when Frank and his brother were living with her, but its tone is as bad as ever. After Kay cools off, she acts as if nothing ever happened.
Four months ago, Frank got into a fight with his mother because we were five minutes late for a baby shower for "Bobby," our newborn son. The next day Kay called and proceeded to tell Frank how worthless he is, and that he'll be a loser all his life. Then she told him I was a thankless, fat slob.
The last we heard from Kay was a message she left on our answering machine at 3:30 a.m., saying she had ripped up Bobby's pictures and never wanted to see any of us again. Abby, I was horrified. Frank assured me that she would no longer be a part of our lives after having hurt us so badly. He said he was through tolerating his mother's abuse.
Since then, Kay has asked Frank's sister "Arlene" to ask us to let her baby-sit and then Arlene could take Bobby to Kay's house. Kay has also done many other sneaky things.
Abby, I have no room in my life for such a bitter, disagreeable woman who will only hurt our family if I let her back into our lives.
Our wedding is scheduled for November, and Frank thinks we should send his mother an invitation because it's the polite thing to do. I understand his attachment to his mother, but I'm terrified of her and what she may do. I don't want her in our lives, and I'm afraid I'll eventually lose Frank because of my feelings about his mother.
Should I send Kay an invitation to our wedding just to be polite, and hope she doesn't show? Or should I refuse to send one and hope Frank understands? Please hurry your advice, Abby. The wedding is three months away and I'm getting ulcers. -- HURT BRIDE-TO-BE
DEAR HURT: Since Frank wants his mother to attend the wedding, she should be invited, and you should make an effort to mend fences. After all, this is Frank's wedding, too.
Now, I'm going to offer you a little more advice than you asked for. You'll save yourself untold grief if you tackle the issue of Kay's place in your lives now. You didn't mention whether Frank received counseling to deal with the abuse he received while growing up. If he didn't, he should.
You are marrying into a dysfunctional family, and I don't envy you the trials you'll be facing. Kay has shown herself to be not only abusive, but devious. Since she has abused her own sons, what's to prevent her from abusing yours? Even if Bobby were not the target of her abuse, for him to witness his grandmother treating you or his father that way would be traumatic. Be prepared.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)