Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Church Conversion Can’t Save Husband From Troubled Past
DEAR ABBY: I met my husband in church where he had recently been "saved." While we were dating, I found out he had come from a nonreligious, alcoholic home, but he told me how much he wanted to be a better husband and father than his father had been. The first few years I actually believed him when he said I had spiritual problems and was not submissive enough. I eventually realized it was his way of justifying emotional abuse toward me.
Over the years, he has become more and more distrustful and critical. Everything is black and white to him. Despite the fact that he says "no church I know of is worth going to," I have continued to raise the children in church. I refuse to allow them to become isolated and insist they participate in activities that interest them. I make sure they are around families who are good relationship models. I secretly went to counseling for a while. I have a lot of prayer support.
Why am I writing? Because I've known a number of women over the years who have found themselves in similar or even worse situations. They married a man from an alcoholic or abusive background who had a "religious experience." In every case, including mine, the man swept her off her feet and was in a big rush to marry.
No matter how much in love a woman is, if a man comes from a troubled background, she should be VERY careful. Some men truly change, but many slip back into patterns that are familiar to them, and then the wife and family become the targets of his anger and pain.
What I would have seen during a long engagement was that my husband swings between being the greatest guy in the world to being angry, depressed and controlling. It's not true that only women from troubled families will be attracted to such men.
Abby, please don't try to contact me, as I save "rocking the boat" for important issues, like those affecting the children. I just want to help others avoid what I have experienced. If I had known at the beginning what I know now, I'd have had a greater chance to get my husband into counseling, and we might have a better marriage than we have now. -- FRUSTRATED, BUT COPING
DEAR FRUSTRATED: I agree with some -- but not all -- of the points you have made. The myth of "Prince Charming" is difficult to dispel because girls take it with them from early childhood into young womanhood. Long engagements and premarital counseling make sense, if both parties are willing to take off the rose-colored glasses and take a good look at each other. (Who was it who said that the marriage contract should be invalid, because both parties enter into it while they're insane?)
You have a keen insight into your husband and the core issues that trouble your marriage, and for that, I congratulate you. Obviously the counseling you sought was of value, and you are in this for the long haul.
Of course, women who are dating men from troubled backgrounds should look closely at what they might be taking on, but so should men who are dating women from dysfunctional families. Counseling is very helpful to people who sincerely want to change and are willing to work on their issues.
I hope one day your husband recognizes that with some effort on his part, you both could have a happier marriage.
Amateur in Romance Should Take Lessons From the Pros
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old man who is a former epileptic. I lived a very sheltered life until 1994, when I had surgery that successfully eradicated my seizures. Only after the surgery, when I tried to live a normal life, did I realize how protected I had been.
Finally last year, I married a wonderful woman. We have a good relationship, but I would like to make it even better. She is a romantic, and I'm very inexperienced in that department. I don't understand much when it comes to romancing my wife. I would greatly appreciate any advice you can give me on romance. -- ROMANTICALLY ROCKY
DEAR ROCKY: Many women wish their husbands would ask this question. Being a willing student is the perfect first step. Look around you. Romance is everywhere, once you open your eyes to it. Learn from other couples who act as if they are in love. Watch their body language -- it's almost as though the rest of the world doesn't exist. Paying focused attention to your partner is romantic. So is thoughtfulness. Listen to your wife's cues. Study up. Read books -- there are many written on every aspect of romance. Watch classic romantic movies and pay attention to the small things the hero does. You'll get the picture. Then practice, practice, practice! Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: About three weeks ago, my girlfriend of five years and I had a terrible argument. We didn't speak for a week. During that time, I met another young lady whom I really started to like. She's seven months pregnant and is having a lot of problems with the baby's father, and I don't want to be in the middle of anything.
Now I'm really starting to miss my old girlfriend. Maybe I got involved with another relationship too soon. I don't know what to do. Can you please help me? -- OVER MY HEAD IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR OVER MY HEAD: The solution to your problem is to be honest with both of these women. The girl who's seven months pregnant has problems of her own to resolve with the baby's father. And your girlfriend of five years needs to hear that you miss her. Don't procrastinate. The sooner you resolve this, the better for all concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. It's my ex-boyfriend. We play in the same basketball club, so we see each other every day. He looks at me all the time. He can't take his eyes off me.
What does he want? And what should I do? He's very, very shy. -- CAROLINE IN BERELDANGE, LUXEMBOURG
DEAR CAROLINE: He keeps looking because he still finds you attractive. If you feel the same about him, be approachable without being too aggressive -- which can intimidate a shy young man. When you see him, smile and say hello. If you need help perfecting a shot, ask him for some pointers. After that, as the old saying goes, "The ball's in his court."
CONFIDENTIAL TO "CAN'T FORGIVE IN MINOT, N.D.": Try harder. As Benjamin Disraeli put it, "Life is too short to be small."
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Stepchildren Saw Only Rain on Stepmom's Sunny Vacation
DEAR ABBY: This summer my husband's four children by a previous marriage spent their vacation with us. They are 16, 15, 13 and 11. I have a 13-year-old daughter.
Abby, I spent months planning their holiday so that everything would go well. I did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry for them during their visit. I bought tickets for all of us to do interesting things while they were here. We had just put in a new pool, and they could swim every day if they wanted to. We hosted two picnics so they could see everyone in the family. There wasn't a day that they didn't have something to do, and they seemed to have a good time. There were a few arguments between the kids, but nothing major.
After they left, my husband called to make sure they had made it home OK. He was told his children had a terrible time; they had nothing positive to say about their vacation. They totally trashed me and my daughter. My husband knew they were lying, but he still took their side.
I am crushed. I worked hard to give his kids a great vacation. I'm so angry with my husband I'm seeing red. What should I do? -- FURIOUS WIFE AND STEPMOTHER
DEAR FURIOUS: First, calm down; then forgive your husband. He's not the villain.
Accept the fact that the chidlren told their mother what they thought she wanted to hear. They lied because they were afraid she'd feel hurt to hear they enjoyed themselves while they were with their father and you. Forgive them; they are caught in the middle and are attempting to protect their mother.
DEAR ABBY: I am now 54 years old and have been a widow for almost 10 years. There's a gentleman in our small town of 7,000 who lost his wife four years ago. He's very eligible, and to my knowledge, has never dated since her death.
I called him about four months ago to ask if he'd be interested in going to dinner with me sometime. He owns a business, and he said he was very busy, but he had thought about calling me.
About a month ago, he had a new grandson, so just to make contact, I sent a congratulatory card, adding if he ever needed any company, I'd enjoy going to a movie with him sometime. I gave him both my home and work numbers. I have still not heard from him.
Abby, I think about him every day. He's a good, hard-working man and seems like a good catch. It took me 10 years to really become interested in dating again, and I'm disappointed that I haven't heard from him.
Should I make any further attempts to let him know I'm interested, or just wait it out? -- POISED TO POUNCE
DEAR POISED: He has your number(s); now it's up to him to pick up the phone and take you up on your offer. You've done as much as you can without boldly chasing him. The good news is that you now know you're ready to consider another man in your life. If he doesn't respond, keep looking. Good luck.
INSPIRATION FOR TODAY: Do more than exist; live. Do more than touch; feel. Do more than look; observe. Do more than read; absorb. Do more than hear; listen. Do more than listen; understand. Do more than think; ponder. Do more than talk; say something. (John H. Rhoades)
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)