For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Amateur in Romance Should Take Lessons From the Pros
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 40-year-old man who is a former epileptic. I lived a very sheltered life until 1994, when I had surgery that successfully eradicated my seizures. Only after the surgery, when I tried to live a normal life, did I realize how protected I had been.
Finally last year, I married a wonderful woman. We have a good relationship, but I would like to make it even better. She is a romantic, and I'm very inexperienced in that department. I don't understand much when it comes to romancing my wife. I would greatly appreciate any advice you can give me on romance. -- ROMANTICALLY ROCKY
DEAR ROCKY: Many women wish their husbands would ask this question. Being a willing student is the perfect first step. Look around you. Romance is everywhere, once you open your eyes to it. Learn from other couples who act as if they are in love. Watch their body language -- it's almost as though the rest of the world doesn't exist. Paying focused attention to your partner is romantic. So is thoughtfulness. Listen to your wife's cues. Study up. Read books -- there are many written on every aspect of romance. Watch classic romantic movies and pay attention to the small things the hero does. You'll get the picture. Then practice, practice, practice! Good luck.
DEAR ABBY: About three weeks ago, my girlfriend of five years and I had a terrible argument. We didn't speak for a week. During that time, I met another young lady whom I really started to like. She's seven months pregnant and is having a lot of problems with the baby's father, and I don't want to be in the middle of anything.
Now I'm really starting to miss my old girlfriend. Maybe I got involved with another relationship too soon. I don't know what to do. Can you please help me? -- OVER MY HEAD IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR OVER MY HEAD: The solution to your problem is to be honest with both of these women. The girl who's seven months pregnant has problems of her own to resolve with the baby's father. And your girlfriend of five years needs to hear that you miss her. Don't procrastinate. The sooner you resolve this, the better for all concerned.
DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. It's my ex-boyfriend. We play in the same basketball club, so we see each other every day. He looks at me all the time. He can't take his eyes off me.
What does he want? And what should I do? He's very, very shy. -- CAROLINE IN BERELDANGE, LUXEMBOURG
DEAR CAROLINE: He keeps looking because he still finds you attractive. If you feel the same about him, be approachable without being too aggressive -- which can intimidate a shy young man. When you see him, smile and say hello. If you need help perfecting a shot, ask him for some pointers. After that, as the old saying goes, "The ball's in his court."
CONFIDENTIAL TO "CAN'T FORGIVE IN MINOT, N.D.": Try harder. As Benjamin Disraeli put it, "Life is too short to be small."
Stepchildren Saw Only Rain on Stepmom's Sunny Vacation
DEAR ABBY: This summer my husband's four children by a previous marriage spent their vacation with us. They are 16, 15, 13 and 11. I have a 13-year-old daughter.
Abby, I spent months planning their holiday so that everything would go well. I did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry for them during their visit. I bought tickets for all of us to do interesting things while they were here. We had just put in a new pool, and they could swim every day if they wanted to. We hosted two picnics so they could see everyone in the family. There wasn't a day that they didn't have something to do, and they seemed to have a good time. There were a few arguments between the kids, but nothing major.
After they left, my husband called to make sure they had made it home OK. He was told his children had a terrible time; they had nothing positive to say about their vacation. They totally trashed me and my daughter. My husband knew they were lying, but he still took their side.
I am crushed. I worked hard to give his kids a great vacation. I'm so angry with my husband I'm seeing red. What should I do? -- FURIOUS WIFE AND STEPMOTHER
DEAR FURIOUS: First, calm down; then forgive your husband. He's not the villain.
Accept the fact that the chidlren told their mother what they thought she wanted to hear. They lied because they were afraid she'd feel hurt to hear they enjoyed themselves while they were with their father and you. Forgive them; they are caught in the middle and are attempting to protect their mother.
DEAR ABBY: I am now 54 years old and have been a widow for almost 10 years. There's a gentleman in our small town of 7,000 who lost his wife four years ago. He's very eligible, and to my knowledge, has never dated since her death.
I called him about four months ago to ask if he'd be interested in going to dinner with me sometime. He owns a business, and he said he was very busy, but he had thought about calling me.
About a month ago, he had a new grandson, so just to make contact, I sent a congratulatory card, adding if he ever needed any company, I'd enjoy going to a movie with him sometime. I gave him both my home and work numbers. I have still not heard from him.
Abby, I think about him every day. He's a good, hard-working man and seems like a good catch. It took me 10 years to really become interested in dating again, and I'm disappointed that I haven't heard from him.
Should I make any further attempts to let him know I'm interested, or just wait it out? -- POISED TO POUNCE
DEAR POISED: He has your number(s); now it's up to him to pick up the phone and take you up on your offer. You've done as much as you can without boldly chasing him. The good news is that you now know you're ready to consider another man in your life. If he doesn't respond, keep looking. Good luck.
INSPIRATION FOR TODAY: Do more than exist; live. Do more than touch; feel. Do more than look; observe. Do more than read; absorb. Do more than hear; listen. Do more than listen; understand. Do more than think; ponder. Do more than talk; say something. (John H. Rhoades)
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN LEARNS COSTLY LESSON WHEN SHE DRIVES HOME DRUNK
DEAR ABBY: Thank you for sending me your 1988 letter from "Paying the Price in Phoenix." It is a powerful letter that I distribute to DUI/DWI defendants who appear before me.
May I suggest that you republish the letter and advise your readers that the average legal fee in such cases has now risen to more than $2,000 in the last 10 years. Driving after a "few" drinks could result in many thousands of dollars in legal, insurance and damage costs, not to mention the potential injuries and deaths. -- JUDGE IRA J. RAAB, DISTRICT COURT, NASSAU COUNTY, N.Y.
DEAR JUDGE RAAB: Glad I could help. I agree, the original letter is worth a reprint:
DEAR ABBY: I am a self-supporting single parent and recently was out on a date with a "fun" guy. He handled his beer just fine. I left him at 1 a.m. to drive home, knowing I'd had enough wine to necessitate caution while driving.
I was concentrating on being a careful driver when a light started to flash behind me. I pulled over, and the lady officer gave me the field sobriety test, read me my rights, took my driver's license and handcuffed my hands behind my back. I remember telling her that I was a professional and asking if I had to go through all that. She said I did.
I was driven to the police station in a police car. The officers were very courteous. I was given a Breathalyzer test. My rating was .13 -- the legal limit is .10. I was fingerprinted and ticketed for DWI. There were no prior traffic violations.
I was not allowed to leave unless someone picked me up. (I didn't want to tell anybody.) I said I'd stay the night, but the officer strongly discouraged it, so I called a friend to pick me up at the police station at 3 a.m. (It was terrible having to call my children and explain why I needed my friend's phone number.)
While I waited, I was locked in a cell like a common criminal. When I arrived home, it was time to go to work. I was required to report my arrest! It was humiliating to tell my work administrator.
I chose to retain an attorney for $1,000 to walk me through the legal process. I was completely without my driver's license for 30 days, and I was allowed to drive only to and from work for the next 60 days. Because the alcohol content was below .15 and there was no previous record, I was given special consideration such as the work permit, and the mandatory time in jail was counted as the time I waited in jail for my ride home. I was lucky.
My car insurance more than doubled for three years, and it will be seven years before I qualify for the less expensive rates. This experience is going to cost me at least $4,000, which I can ill afford. The inconvenience for myself and my children is difficult to handle.
I've had to impose on friends for rides and favors. My parents are disgusted with me, and I don't blame them. The mental stress is hard to handle.
I hope you print this, Abby. Maybe other people will learn from it. -- PAYING THE PRICE IN PHOENIX
DEAR PAYING: Thanks for a letter that may cause people to realize that if they have had "a few" drinks, they should not drive.
Sadly, statistics show that many die tragically and needlessly because the person behind the wheel had "a few."
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)