For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN GETS FAMILY STATIC WHEN HE TAKES PHONE FEUD TO COURT
DEAR ABBY: I read your column daily, but never thought I'd write to you. Now I need an objective opinion, because my family is on the verge of a meltdown.
Almost three years ago, I allowed my sister-in-law (the wife of my half-brother) to take over my cellular phone account. She ran up charges of nearly $750, then refused to pay the bill, so I had to pay it. I have been trying to get her to pay me back since that time, and although she has told several members of the family that she'll pay me, she has not. After all this time, I have come to believe that she will never pay me unless she is forced to, so I have filed a suit against her in small claims court.
Now my family is angry with me. They say I should have just let the money go. I say that's wrong, and she should not get away with it just because she's family.
Please advise me, Abby. Was I wrong to pursue this matter in court? -- TORN IN TEXAS
DEAR TORN: "Because she's family" is no excuse for this woman to stiff you out of $750. If she had intended to repay the money for the phone bill she ran up, she could have done it on installments and had the amount entirely reimbursed by now. I think you did the right thing. But I'm not family, and you may have to take some flak from yours for a while for standing up for yourself.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to confirm the observations of "No Longer Looking in Upstate New York." His description of the male bashing he heard going on in the kitchen, while at least a dozen eligible men mingled in the next room, hit the nail on the head. This is a sad, frustrating pattern in our society. I know, because for years I was one of the loudest male bashers.
After being in one abusive, disrespectful relationship after another, I finally realized that the common thread in all those encounters was ME. I was choosing those men.
Teetering on the edge of despair after years of pain and disillusionment, I was determined to go out with someone completely different from the men I was normally attracted to. Today I am married to that man. Abby, he did not say all the "right things." He didn't try to pick me up. He didn't thrill my heart and give me butterflies. But, as I tell him over and over, he's the most wonderful man in the world.
It took me a while to adjust to being treated with respect and steady interest rather than flattery-selfishness-flattery. My husband treated me like an important person, of all things. And he expected me to treat him the same way.
Each phase of our relationship has been different than what I was accustomed to, but changing myself and facing the unfamiliar has brought me love, joy and peace such as I never imagined.
In my eyes, women have the responsibility to ensure that nice guys finish first -- and flourish. -- JENNIFER IN ELYRIA, OHIO
DEAR JENNIFER: Fairy tales and Hollywood productions aside, a high-quality man may not be the most handsome in the room or the smoothest talker. A diamond doesn't reach its full potential until it's been cut and polished.
You made a mature decision, and for that, I congratulate you. If more women (and men) thought the way you do, there would be more lasting relationships.
Woman Shouldn't Rush to Put Untimely Death Behind Her
DEAR ABBY: I am 24 years old and was dating a man a few years older. "Rick" and I dated for two years, and lived together almost a year and a half. About six months ago, Rick was killed in a motorcycle accident. Had he lived, he would have been the one I married and spent the rest of my life with.
Here's my problem: Although I loved Rick with all my heart, I know that I am young and will have other relationships. I'll never forget Rick, and I'll carry him in my heart. I don't want to hurt Rick's family or give them the idea that I don't respect his memory.
I have been doing things with a male "friend" of mine, and it may get serious. Is it too soon? I know that the only one who can know that is me, but how do I handle the public relations aspect? Rick is gone, and my life must go on. -- CONFUSED
DEAR CONFUSED: It's all right to begin dating, but if you're considering living with this "friend" or making any announcements, I suggest that you slow down. Do nothing in haste, including an announcement to Rick's grieving family that you now have a relationship that may get serious. You are very vulnerable right now. Not only do you need time to heal from your loss, this new relationship needs time to develop.
DEAR ABBY: I am writing to share an idea with your readers. I am currently an at-home mom with a 3-year-old daughter. I encourage her to do various craft projects. I couldn't save all of them and felt guilty throwing them in the trash. So we started a monthly project of making her crafts into tray favors (cards and bookmarks) for the local Meals on Wheels program. The organization is very appreciative of the crafts that brighten the days for many seniors. My daughter is also learning how she can positively impact her community. -- JOANNA VELASCO, PLACENTIA, CALIF.
DEAR JOANNA: What a charming idea! Your daughter is forunate to have a mother as imaginative as you. At the rate she's going, your little girl will be a recognized artist by the time she is out of kindergarten.
DEAR ABBY: I'm glad that "Lucky Old Guy in Oregon" thinks he's so lucky. Personally, if my spouse "whacked" me every time I lit a cigarette (or did anything that HE judged to be "unhealthful"), or yelled at me and gave me half-hour lectures if I cheated a little on my diet, I think I would find death to be a welcome escape from him.
My husband and I look out for each other's health. Our greatest wish is that we can happily, and with mutual respect, grow old together. The difference between us and "Old Guy" is that he seems to relish his wife's disciplinary tactics. His "loving" wife sounds like a major control freak to me, and he's a whipped doormat.
Abby, does this sound like a marriage of mutual respect and love? Would you want to be in "Old Guy"'s shoes? Just because he has lived a long life doesn't make him "lucky." Some inmates in prison live to be very old, too! -- LUCKIER STILL IN CANYON COUNTRY, CALIF.
DEAR LUCKIER: Your letter made me smile. It's difficult to argue with success, but it does make one wonder if "Lucky Old Guy" would be healthier if he had assumed the personal responsibility for disciplining himself instead of relying on his wife's orders to adhere to a diet and exercise plan.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PRICE TAG DOESN'T MEASURE TRUE VALUE OF GIFTS FOR KIDS
DEAR ABBY: I've had the same problem as "Genuinely Concerned," whose children received too many gifts from her in-laws. Your advice was right on target.
However, I'd like to add the following: First, her parents should never stop giving gifts because they "cannot compete." Gift giving is not a competition; it is an expression of love. My parents give gifts they can afford, not ones that compete with the other grandparents. I've taught my children that a $1 gift is just as important as a $100 gift.
Second, suggest alternatives to the excessive clothes and toys. Purchasing a bond or opening a mutual fund for the children will be far more appreciated in the future than a game or toy that has long since been discarded.
Although I consistently (but politely) encouraged this type of gift for my children, my in-laws persisted with an excess of "stuff" for years. After about eight years of friction over gifts, my husband and I asked my in-laws to watch the children one weekend. I do not know the details of what happened, but upon our return, my mother-in-law announced that the children had too many clothes and toys, and from now on, she was sending them bonds for their future.
Each of our four children now has an adequate number of toys and sufficient clothing, but more important, they also have their college educations almost completely paid for, thanks to grandparents who finally saw the light. -- HARMONY IN FLORIDA
DEAR HARMONY: One can only guess what happened that weekend, but whatever it was, everyone ended up a winner.
I also heard from many families who have creative gift-giving policies. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I want to reply to the letter from "Genuinely Concerned." Instead of trying to compete with the number of gifts my children received from my in-laws, my mother (who is alone and living on a fixed income) gives them something no one else can -- her time and love.
My children have received gifts from her such as sleep-overs at Grandma's that included selecting their own movie and dinner. She has taught them to sew, knit and bake. She even made them a dollhouse, and they have spent hours with her making miniature furniture and clothes for their dolls. She loves her grandchildren and knows them well because of the one-on-one time she spends with them.
I sincerely hope "Genuinely Concerned"'s parents can find a way to connect with their grandchildren. It is not about money. -- COLLEEN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR COLLEEN: Well said!
DEAR ABBY: For 20 years or more, I have given my grandchildren and great-grandchildren lessons -- swimming, dance, music, karate -- as gifts. I always check with the parents for their approval first.
I start with basic, beginning lessons at age 3 or 4 and continue if the child is interested. They end up with a lifetime skill, not a room full of stuff. -- GIVING GRANDMA
DEAR GIVING GRANDMA: That's terrific. Talents that are nourished in childhood can bring years of pleasure in years to come.
In addition, other readers suggested treating the grandchildren to breakfast, long walks, lunch in the park, trips to the library or zoo, gardening, or simply reading and/or singing with them. Any of these activities will increase closeness in the relationship between grandparents and grandchildren.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)