To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Clinging Church Widow Needs Compassion and New Company
DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end concerning a widow at our church. This woman should know better because her late husband was a minister.
Every Sunday, she makes a point of looking for my husband and me, and she's constantly touching and flirting with him. He is very uncomfortable with her behavior and runs the other way when he sees her coming. Many times she waits for us at the back of the church where we pick up our nametags.
Neither of us can understand why a Sunday school teacher so well versed in the Scriptures would act like she does. We can't discuss this with anyone at church, so what would you suggest? If you print my letter, perhaps she will read it and see herself. -- IRRITATED IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR IRRITATED: It seems that you think the widow is "coveting" more than the Ten Commandments allow. She is obviously lonely and probably needs verification that she is still attractive to men.
Since your husband isn't interested in her and you see her only once a week, please show some compassion. And should you happen to know an eligible man, for heaven's sake, introduce him to her!
DEAR ABBY: I've had it with my mother-in-law, who has come to live with us. I recall that some time ago, you printed a letter from a woman who had also been made miserable by her widowed mother who had come to live with her. The writer said she had come up with some rules for herself, which she would observe if she ever found herself having to live with her children.
Abby, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would need those rules, but times have changed. Will you please reprint it? -- HAD IT IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR HAD IT: Certainly. That letter is timeless:
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, when my widowed mother came to live with my husband and me, she made our lives so miserable that I determined that I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them.
One day I sat down and wrote myself a letter. In it were some pertinent rules, and on the outside of the envelope I wrote, "To be opened on the day I go to live with my daughter, heaven forbid." I tucked it away in an old book and forgot about it.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for six years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and go live with my oldest daughter. I've opened that letter, and I think your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to.
The rules are as follows:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat.
-- Remember, it is their home. Be especially considerate of him. He allowed her to bring you here.
-- Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- If they want to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they can be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinions unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 20 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- WIDOW X
SMOOTH DIVORCE HITS A BUMP WHEN MOM PLANS TO RELOCATE
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Beth," and I are being divorced, and until recently, things were cordial and polite. At first, she was going to remain here in Oregon and allow me convenient access to our daughter, Cathy, who is 6 years old.
Beth tried for three years, with little success, to get her own business going here in Oregon. I must admit that she's tried hard. Now she has received an offer to relocate to Florida and live in the home of a male friend while he is away in the Navy for the next few years. She is involved in a multilevel business and her "up-line," who lives in Florida (not the person who owns the house), has promised to get her set up and on her feet. She's planning to move before the end of the summer.
This morning I asked Beth if she'd consider going to Florida alone for the first six months to see if she likes it. She rejected the idea.
I am staying with my parents now, and they are really upset about the idea of Cathy leaving. My mother wants me to fight it. They love their granddaughter and see her quite often.
Abby, I want this divorce to be amiable. It was, until Beth decided to move to Florida. I suppose if she does move and gets her life together, I could move to Florida to be close to our daughter.
Should I try to control my animosity and allow Beth to go to Florida and tell my parents to butt out? Or should I try to force her to stay here in Oregon? I'm certain that deep down Beth knows that taking Cathy 3,000 miles away is wrong, but she feels she must do it for reasons of self-esteem and economics. -- HEARTBROKEN IN OREGON
DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Your soon-to-be-ex-wife has legitimate reasons for moving to Florida, and your daughter is at an age when she still needs her mother, so let her go without an ugly fight. I think your idea of eventually relocating to Florida in order to be near Cathy has merit.
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Exhausted in Tacoma," who was perturbed with her hospital roommate's visitors, disturbs me. First she said how sick she had been at the hospital and how rude her roommate's visitors were; then she was well enough to get up and go home. Abby, just how sick was she? As a registered nurse with 30 years' experience, I can tell you she doesn't sound very sick to me.
If she had been in the hospital as many times as she claimed, why did she go to the emergency room instead of having her own physician admit her? Also, she should have known enough about hospital procedures to have the floor nurse quiet the visitors down. She should also have known to ask for another gown to cover her backside, or how to use a robe or sheet to drape around herself to go to the bathroom.
I can't be sure without all the facts, but I'm guessing that "Exhausted" is a typical hypochondriac trying to get a few days in the hospital complete with "maid" service by her nurses, while her insurance pays for this "vacation."
No one who is truly sick gets up and leaves for the reasons she gave. And if rest at home was better than what she could get in the hospital, why didn't she just stay home in the first place? -- FRED HOLT, R.N., ENGLEWOOD, FLA.
DEAR FRED: Your reasoning, based on many years of experience, makes sense to me. However, without all the facts, I cannot call that reader a fake, for hers is not the only letter I have received complaining about visitors in hospitals.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Wonders if This Man Is Really Worth Dyeing For
DEAR ABBY: Rick (not his real name) and I were attracted to each other the moment our eyes met. I am 24, Rick is 30. On our third date, we ended up in bed at his apartment.
Abby, I was so disappointed. He fizzled out in the middle of a very exciting moment. Then Rick explained that he has been unable to function with any woman who is not a redhead. He told me he liked me a lot, and asked me if I would dye my hair red. I am heartbroken. I like Rick very much, but I am very dark- complexioned and feel that my black hair is far more appropriate than a thatch of red hair.
Abby, do you think he's telling the truth? Are there really men who can function sexually only with women with a certain color hair? -- NAMELESS IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR NAMELESS: Perhaps. From your description, it appears more like a case of first-night jitters than a hair color preference. An honest conversation about his needs and yours is in order. The question is less about whether you can conform to his needs, than can he conform to yours.
DEAR ABBY: This letter is for "Hurting in Whittier, Calif.," who thinks that wrinkles on her face are keeping her from getting a second look from men. There is nothing that will make people respond to her more than a sincere smile. It will make her wrinkles essentially disappear. Not only will it make her feel good, it will brighten the day of everyone she greets.
Abby, there is no guarantee that having a man in her life will make her feel any better. Believe me, I have had more to smile about since my husband of 27 years left town with another woman. I look younger, feel younger, and my morale has improved 100 percent. I have the same wrinkles I had when he was here, but no one notices them because I smile so often.
To paraphrase a quote from Nathaniel Hawthorne: "Happiness is like a butterfly -- the more you chase it, the more it will elude you. But if you turn your attention to other things, it comes and softly sits on your shoulder."
I hope "Hurting in Whittier's" shoulders will soon be loaded with butterflies of happiness. Sign me ... ALONE BUT NOT HURTING NOW, DANVILLE, KY.
DEAR ALONE: I'm printing your letter because many readers can benefit from your uplifting message. As the lyrics from a song in the Broadway musical "Annie" say: "You're never fully dressed without a smile!"
DEAR ABBY: What can I do when I am graciously treated to a restaurant meal by a friend or colleage, and when the bill comes, an inappropriate tip is left for the server?
I am embarrassed if we have received good or exceptional service and yet my dining companion leaves only a 10 percent tip, or less.
Whether it's an oversight, lack of appreciation for the 15 to 20 percent rule, or a lack of math skills, I feel compelled to supplement the tip out of my own pocket if I think the server deserves more. How can I do this without offending my host or hostess? -- WELL-FED IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR WELL-FED: There is no need to offend or embarrass your host by calling attention to the small tips that shortchange a server, so as you leave the table, leave your tip as inconspicuously as possible.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)