For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman's Head and Heart Battle Over 'Wonderful Man'
DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged to a wonderful man for more than two years, and cannot seem to set a wedding date. He loves me and my 9-year-old daughter. He does all of the laundry, the dishes and the cleaning, and he accepts my daughter as his own. He works two jobs so we don't go without anything.
Sounds perfect, right?
The problem is, I don't think I love him. I say that I do, but I don't feel it in my heart. He is all a woman could ask for in a husband, but is that enough to replace love? Or have I read too many romance novels?
He wants to get married as soon as possible. I am 29, have never been married, and I feel my daughter needs a father. I am also afraid I won't find a man who will ever love me as much as he does.
Can I find a man whom I love, who accepts my daughter as his own -- or should I marry a man I don't love, but who would be a wonderful husband and father? -- FOR BETTER OR WORSE
DEAR FOR BETTER: If you marry this man, knowing in your heart that you do not love him, you will be doing yourself and him a great disservice. Marriage is supposed to last forever. And forever is a long time to live with yourself, feeling that you sold out because you were afraid you wouldn't find a man you can love. Let him go.
DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Hurting in Whittier," I had to write. Your response was excellent, but I would like to tell "Hurting" about my mother.
Mother became a widow at 63. She, too, had deep wrinkles on her face, but no one noticed because she always had a smile and was interested in other people.
Mother's life was not without men. After Dad died, she joined a singles group for older people. There, at age 68, she met a wonderful man. He became my stepfather. When he passed away some years later, she grieved for him for a while, but then decided she wasn't going to stay at home and mope, so she rejoined the singles group and met another nice man with whom she kept company for many years. Then he died. Mom used to joke that it was dangerous to date her because she outlived all the men she had gone with.
Shortly before her death at age 79, she had begun dating yet another man from the singles group.
Abby, the reason for her popularity was not her looks. It was her warm and caring personality. She always made everyone feel she was glad to see them. That was her "secret." All her grandchildren (she had 11) adored her and visited her often. My 20-year-old son took her to Disneyland when she was in her 70s. Like all the grandchildren, he loved being with her.
"Hurting in Whittier" should forget about how she looks and focus on making other people comfortable. She should be glad to see them, offer them a ride, join a club, volunteer for a cause that interests her. She should get out and enjoy life. She may be surprised at the changes that will occur when she changes her point of view. -- STILL MISSING MOM
DEAR STILL MISSING MOM: Your mother exemplified the adage, "It's what's inside that counts." How special she must have been.
I've always believed that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who say, "There you are!" and those who say, "Here I am!" Your mother was definitely one of the "there you are" people. That's the kind everyone is delighted to see.
Grandpa With Early Bedtime Gets Heave Ho From Wedding
DEAR ABBY: Please correct me if I am wrong, but I believe my cousin, "Lenore," is the most selfish person I know.
Lenore is getting married in an evening ceremony and has decided to dis-invite our grandfather, Pop-Pop. Pop-Pop was so excited about attending, he bought a new suit and showed it off to everyone who visited him.
Pop-Pop's health is failing and he goes to bed early -- 8:00 p.m. The wedding is at 6:00 p.m., and Lenore and her mother (my aunt) have decided it would interrupt the "perfect wedding" if Pop-Pop were to leave early, so he has been told to stay home. This means Grandmom will attend her first grandchild's wedding alone. Also, my grandparents will have to pay for a nurse to stay with Pop-Pop.
Many people have volunteered to take Pop-Pop home when he becomes tired, but my cousin and her mother say the decision has been made.
What do you think, Abby? Isn't it awful to exclude Pop-Pop just because he is old? -- APPALLED COUSIN
DEAR APPALLED COUSIN: Yes, it is awful, particularly since your grandfather was looking forward to attending the wedding. Short of boycotting the wedding, there is little to be done. Lenore's day, however, will be perfect in her eyes only. The rest of the family will remember it as the day Pop-Pop was dishonored.
DEAR ABBY: You told the mother of "Disappointed but Seeking Help" that her daughter didn't become sexually active because she was looking for the kind of affection and attention she could receive from her family.
While I cannot speak for that girl, I know that is exactly the reason I became sexually active in high school. My parents had their jobs, their parties, their worries and their lives. I didn't think they would notice me even if I were dead.
I planned suicide, until a male teacher held me in his arms and told me that I mattered. I would have given anything to have even this semblance of love and affection. I needed someone to care about me. My parents didn't and he did. Sex was a very small price to pay. And my parents never noticed a thing.
Yes, I am aware that what the teacher did was wrong. But I will never forget how much it meant to me at the time. At least he could see my pain when my family was oblivious to it.
We all seek love, and many of us will take whatever is offered when that is all there is. If children are to love appropriately, they must learn to give and receive love in the right places -- from their family in youth, then from friends,and later from a lover and mate.
Parents: If you don't want your children "looking for love in all the wrong places," perhaps you should make sure they're getting enough in the RIGHT places. -- KNOWS FIRSTHAND IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR KNOWS FIRSTHAND: I apologize for having said so emphatically that the teen-age daughter did not become sexually active because she was looking for the kind of affection and attention she could receive from her family. Teen-agers begin having sex for varied and sometimes complicated reasons that are not always related to sexual needs as much as emotional needs.
P.S. Although the high school teacher recognized your neediness and vulnerability, if his motives had been humanitarian instead of predatory, he would have found some other way of letting you know you were worthwhile. The fact that you were a willing participant does not mean that you were not taken advantage of.
NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MORT: Happy 59th anniversary, Darling. Thank you for making me the luckiest married woman alive.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Rumors About Veterans' Health Care Are Not Based on Facts
DEAR ABBY: I am writing because your column reaches thousands of people every day, and I'm hoping you'll send a message to all the veterans of all branches of the service.
An item I read in the Savannah, Mo., newspaper said that if a veteran has not registered at a Veterans Affairs Hospital since Oct. 1, 1996, on Oct. 1, 1998, he or she will lose all medical benefits for life. It went on to say that the VA cannot notify veterans about it -— the information must be disseminated by word-of-mouth or by letter.
I called the VA and it is true. This law will affect thousands of veterans, and many will not learn of it before the cutoff date. It's wrong to deny veterans their rights. Abby, please print this information in your column. -— SUE KITCHEN, UNION STAR, MO.
DEAR SUE: I'm pleased to print your letter, although the news article was in error, and the situation is not as bleak as portrayed.
After contacting the U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs (VA), I learned that this is a wild rumor spread via the Internet. According to Kenneth W. Kizer, M.D., VA undersecretary for health, "There is good news for veterans who are distressed over INCORRECT information spread via the Internet that suggests they will automatically lose their VA medical benefits if they fail to apply for the VA's new health-care enrollment program by Oct. 1, 1998. It ISN'T SO!
"The VA is required by law to begin an enrollment system for its health-care services by Oct. 1, 1998. However, this does NOT mean veterans who have not applied for enrollment by then necessarily lose their eligibility for VA medical care.
"Veterans can apply at the time they need VA care, before or after Oct. 1. In fact, we have been automatically processing enrollment applications for veterans treated by VA since Oct. 1, 1996.
"Not all veterans who apply may be able to get care, especially higher-income veterans. Enrollment will be based on priority groups specified by law -— the highest priority being given to veterans with service-connected disabilities.
"After enrollment begins, some veterans can still be treated by VA without being enrolled: Veterans with a VA disability rating of 50 percent or higher will receive care without enrolling; veterans with service-connected disabilities will receive care for those disabilities; and veterans discharged while on active duty will receive VA care for those disabilities within the first 12 months of discharge."
DEAR ABBY: The letter from Norm Totey about wearing a complete body armor is an excellent description of a man who is afraid to die. A philosopher of long ago stated that a man who is afraid to die does not know how to live.
Abby, keep up the good work. You are wonderful. -—GEORGE D. LUNDBERG, NACHES, WASH.
DEAR GEORGE: The philosopher may have been right, but you and many of my readers missed the tongue-in-cheek humor in Norm Totey's letter. Read it again with that in mind, and I think you'll agree that it's hilarious.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.