Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.
FRUSTRATED DAD FEELS OLD HURTS AS DAUGHTER NEGLECTS HER SONS
DEAR ABBY: Our daughter is in her late 30s. She's been married and divorced and has two sons. She is now living with a leech, a man who does not contribute to the household rent or food, and treats the boys like dirt. She provides for all his needs from her spousal support, while her kids walk around with holes in their shoes and unkempt clothing.
When I was a child, my mother abandoned me. She gave me away to my aunt to raise. My aunt worked at menial jobs to keep me clothed and fed. My mother did not contribute to my upkeep. She left the town where we lived. My aunt saw to it that I graduated from high school. She could not send me to college, but she planted the education seed, and when I became self-sufficient, I went to college, worked and graduated. My aunt, God bless her soul, was the best mother until her death a few years ago.
Now I have been abandoned a second time, this time by my daughter. My wife and I discussed with her the living arrangment she now has, told her she should get rid of this leech and provide a more stable home for her boys. We're not telling her not to have any friends or lovers, only not to let them live off her and mistreat her sons.
Based on your advice to others, as I recall, if I ask you what to do, you will tell me to leave her alone and let her live her own life. However, she is not alone. Her boys need more guidance than to have a leech misguide them through life. What's your advice? -- TWICE ABANDONED
DEAR TWICE ABANDONED: What you are reacting to so strongly isn't "abandonment" by your daughter. It's what you perceive to be neglect on her part to properly nurture her children. And you are not wrong if the picture you have painted is accurate.
I advise you to call your daughter and begin mending fences for the sake of the boys. Take them into your home as often as you can -- after school, weekends, etc. -- and since you have attained financial stability, give your grandsons the items you see they need. It is within your power to remedy the neglect if you wish to do so.
DEAR ABBY: This concerns "Hurt Brother in Ohio," who has been given power of attorney by his mother.
I would ask the brother who has the power of attorney to be broadminded in regard to his older, smarter (his words) and angry brother. I suspect a long-standing anger has affected the mother herself, and perhaps all her children. The angry brother may be silent, but I'll bet he has a story to tell.
If the mother is 90, these brothers are not kids. Both of these men have possibly spent years being compared to each other, and it has served neither of them well. It's way too late for the mother to sort it out, if what I surmise contains a seed of truth.
Dutiful brother asked for a suggestion. I have one: Would it be possible for the dutiful brother to force objectivity on the situation by hiring a service to handle the bill-paying and accounting? The service can send statement copies to any and all parties. The dutiful brother could then avoid further hostility by sincere refusal to regard the power of attorney as other than a formality that he need not act upon. -- A READER WHO HAS BEEN THERE IN DENVER
DEAR READER: I'm printing your suggestion with the hope that "Hurt Brother" sees it. It could be comforting.
MIDDLE-AGED MAN CAN'T BREAK FREE OF MOTHER'S LIFELONG GRIP
DEAR ABBY: I'm 51 and never married. I'm not bad-looking, and I am not gay. I just got dumped by another girlfriend, which is nothing new. What turns women off are the constant demands of my mother. She calls at least once a day, and I go to her home almost every day, especially on weekends. Dad is dead and there are no other siblings, so I'm the one always on call.
"Mary," the lady who just called it quits, says Mother is abusive to me because I have been trying to get her approval all my life and she never gives it.
Mother "almost" gives me kindness and love, but then she manages to say something ugly or belittling that devastates me. I slam the door and leave in a rage. Then I go back and we repeat the same scenario. Every time I go back, I think this time it will be different.
Mary said I act like a battered wife returning over and over to her abusive husband. She said I'm just as addicted to being abused as my mother is to abusing me. At first I was furious and refused to believe it, but now I'm getting scared that she's right.
I've been waiting for Mother to die for the last 10 years. She is not in the best of health and calls me constantly in a panic saying she's dying. Actually, I think she will outlive me.
Abby, do people ever resolve stuff like this? Or are there some people who can't be helped? I'm middle-aged, so what is the point of anything now? -- MIGHT AS WELL DIE IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR MIGHT: Your ex-girlfriend gave you some valuable insight before she left.
The hallmark of neurotic behavior is its repetitive pattern. Yes, problems like yours can be resolved; however, the only way to break this painful cycle is professional counseling to help you learn to behave like an adult, instead of a needy child, in the presence of your mother.
DEAR ABBY: Now that the wedding season is here, many people planning their weddings will be concerned with the issue of guests drinking during the reception and driving home afterward. I'd like to share how my husband and I dealt with this issue when we got married.
We had an outdoor wedding at a winery that could only be accessed through narrow, winding roads. We were concerned about our guests driving home afterward, and we wanted to find an attractive alternative to the fabulous wine that was served.
So, in addition to the coffee service, we rented an espresso cart service so guests could have a choice of (free) coffee drinks. There was a selection of caffeinated and decaffeinated espressos, lattes, cappuccinos, etc. Our family and friends loved it! The espresso vendor eventually ran out of glass cups and had to use paper.
Our excellent wedding consultant, always mindful of our budget, had warned that the espresso cart service would be "a little pricey," but we had saved wedding costs in other areas, and frankly, the enjoyment of our guests and the peace of mind was worth every cent. -- SAN FRANCISCO BRIDE
DEAR SAN FRANCISCO BRIDE: That's a practical suggestion, and one I know will be appreciated by many brides-to-be. Thank you for offering it.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Clinging Church Widow Needs Compassion and New Company
DEAR ABBY: I am at my wit's end concerning a widow at our church. This woman should know better because her late husband was a minister.
Every Sunday, she makes a point of looking for my husband and me, and she's constantly touching and flirting with him. He is very uncomfortable with her behavior and runs the other way when he sees her coming. Many times she waits for us at the back of the church where we pick up our nametags.
Neither of us can understand why a Sunday school teacher so well versed in the Scriptures would act like she does. We can't discuss this with anyone at church, so what would you suggest? If you print my letter, perhaps she will read it and see herself. -- IRRITATED IN MINNEAPOLIS
DEAR IRRITATED: It seems that you think the widow is "coveting" more than the Ten Commandments allow. She is obviously lonely and probably needs verification that she is still attractive to men.
Since your husband isn't interested in her and you see her only once a week, please show some compassion. And should you happen to know an eligible man, for heaven's sake, introduce him to her!
DEAR ABBY: I've had it with my mother-in-law, who has come to live with us. I recall that some time ago, you printed a letter from a woman who had also been made miserable by her widowed mother who had come to live with her. The writer said she had come up with some rules for herself, which she would observe if she ever found herself having to live with her children.
Abby, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would need those rules, but times have changed. Will you please reprint it? -- HAD IT IN WASHINGTON STATE
DEAR HAD IT: Certainly. That letter is timeless:
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, when my widowed mother came to live with my husband and me, she made our lives so miserable that I determined that I would never bring such misery to my children if I ever had to live with them.
One day I sat down and wrote myself a letter. In it were some pertinent rules, and on the outside of the envelope I wrote, "To be opened on the day I go to live with my daughter, heaven forbid." I tucked it away in an old book and forgot about it.
I've been widowed and self-sufficient for six years, but I was recently forced to give up my job and go live with my oldest daughter. I've opened that letter, and I think your older readers might benefit from it, as I intend to.
The rules are as follows:
-- Give what you can toward your keep. Any budget will stretch just so far.
-- Keep yourself clean and neat.
-- Remember, it is their home. Be especially considerate of him. He allowed her to bring you here.
-- Give them privacy at every opportunity.
-- If they want to go away on a vacation but are hesitant because of you, offer to visit another relative or friend so they can be free to go.
-- Don't offer any advice or express any opinions unless asked.
-- Volunteer information that they might be too embarrassed to ask for, such as arrangements for your burial, hospitalization, etc.
These rules were written more than 20 years ago. I read them often and am determined to keep them. -- WIDOW X
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)