For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN AND THIS TEEN MOTHER CAN'T
DEAR ABBY: I am 17 years old, and like any other teen-ager I like to laugh, play, study, party and be carefree. There is one part of my life, however, that makes me very different from other girls my age. I became a mother at age 16. I made a bad decision to have sex too young, without thinking of the consequences.
Tonight as I write this, I am missing the party of the year because I can't afford a baby sitter, not to mention a new dress. I am also a year behind in school and on home studies. I thought my boyfriend loved me, but my baby boy is almost 2, and I haven't seen his father since I told him I was pregnant.
I own two pairs of pants and three shirts, and my shoes are off the bargain table at the discount store because the baby's needs are expensive and constant. For those of you who think having a baby will turn you into a "free" adult, it won't. Here's what you get to do:
1. Wake up for a 2 a.m. feeding. (For months, I didn't have more than five hours sleep a night.)
2. Wake out of a sound sleep to care for a sick or frightened baby when you can't even think straight yourself.
3. Lug a diaper bag, baby stroller and irritable baby everywhere you go.
4. Never have a penny to spend on cute new clothes or makeup.
5. Lose your friends and disappoint your family.
I am begging all teen-agers to think twice before having sex. See the world first. Go to college. Above all, enjoy your teen years. The opposite sex will always be there, but you can be a teen-ager only once. -- TEEN MOM WITH A MESSAGE
DEAR TEEN MOM: You present a powerful case from a perspective only a teen-age mother could have. I hope your letter reaches other young people who need to hear it like it really is. Bless you for writing.
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Stella," and I have just returned to the United States after having lived abroad for 15 years. She and I come from very different backgrounds. I have only one living relative. Stella, on the other hand, comes from a large extended family of brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, assorted cousins and grandparents. Family gatherings, especially around the holidays, are large, festive and noisy.
Here is my dilemma: I am asthmatic and allergic to cigarette smoke in any form, even on people's clothing. Needless to say, I try to avoid it as much as possible and don't go out to eat very often, unless there is no smoking at all in the establishment. Neither Stella nor I smoke, nor do our sons. However, Stella's sister and her husband (as well as other family members) are heavy smokers. Her sister's daughter is also slightly asthmatic and has other respiratory problems. While I, as an adult, can avoid this smoke, the child can't.
My closest friends and associates know about my health concerns and are very considerate of me, and the ones who smoke refrain from doing so in my presence. The few times that we have visited my sister-in-law, everyone smokes around me. Stella has mentioned my condition to her family many times, yet no one seems to care or understand how this affects my health.
Now I am faced with two choices -- avoiding these people and creating tension among my wife's family, or jeopardizing my health. Recently, Stella's family has been asking her why we have been avoiding them. How can we best handle this without hurting feelings and alienating family members? -- SMOKE GETS IN MY EYES (AND LUNGS)
DEAR SMOKE: Why not tell them the truth?
Volunteer Teens Give Seniors Their Gifts of Talent and Time
DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the letter urging people to volunteer in nursing homes. I am 14 years old and an eighth-grader at St. Agnes School in Concord, Calif. Not only can adults volunteer, but teen-agers can also volunteer and bring smiles to senior citizens. I would like to share my experience at our local nursing home.
When I was elected president of the Student Council, one of my goals was to establish an Adopt-a-Senior Program at my school. This would consist of students sharing their time and talents with the elderly. I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others.
During the summer, the vice president of the student body and I visited a number of nursing homes. These nursing homes were interested because a project like this had never been done on a long-term basis. When permission slips went home with students, the response was overwhelming: 28 eighth-graders signed up to participate. As a result, we adopted 14 seniors -- two students per senior.
The initial visit with the seniors was special and memorable. Each of us brought a small gift to share with them. We sang songs to break the ice, and soon some of the seniors joined in! We all became friends quickly and formed special bonds.
We now visit the seniors twice a month. During our visits, we sing songs, play bingo, present magic shows and perform skits. Some of the seniors even dance the "Hokey Pokey" with us! One of them told us that we made life worth living. The number of seniors joining our program grows with every visit. At our last visit, we had more than 30 seniors.
For major holidays, such as Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, the St. Agnes students made decorations for the seniors at the home -- 172 in all. A few eighth-graders delivered the decorations room to room. The residents were happy to see us, and many of them invited us into their rooms to chat. During our Easter delivery, we saw many of the Halloween decorations still hanging on their walls! It has been a heartwarming experience to see how appreciative these seniors are.
Abby, these patients have found a special place in our hearts. The first time we visited, they all looked the same to us; however, now we know each one by his or her name -- not as a "group." Many of them have a great sense of humor. We'll always remember the lessons they have taught us.
Please share this letter with "Grieving in Orange, Texas" so she will know that we understand how she feels. Someday we will all grow old and become dependent on others. -- KELLY A. McQUIRK, CONCORD, CALIF.
DEAR KELLY: Congratulations for conceiving such a worthwhile project. The other eighth-graders also deserve credit for helping you to accomplish your goal.
I know that "Grieving" will be pleased to see your letter, and I hope it will spur other teen-agers into action.
DEAR ABBY: I must share this supermarket story with you:
While waiting in the checkout line at a busy supermarket, I noticed that an older man was standing behind me with very few items in his basket. I asked him if he would like to go ahead of me.
"Honey," he replied, "if I were in a hurry, I would have come up here yesterday!" What a pleasant attitude. It made my day. -- MRS. J.F.K., ORANGE, CALIF.
DEAR MRS. J.F.K.: If more people echoed those sentiments, we would have less road rage and a healthier society.
Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Displays of Male Affection May Not Be What They Seem
DEAR ABBY: I have a gripe to air, and I hope you will consider printing it.
A few times a year, my adult son is allowed to visit me from his residence in a group home for the mentally disabled in another state. Despite his severe handicap, "John" is a well-behaved and loving son, of whom I am quite proud. Therein lies the problem.
When we are walking together in public, John will often grab my hand, as he did when he was a child, innocently unaware of the social taboos against such behavior.
Many times I have had to endure stares, snickers or outright insults from strangers who apparently interpret this hand-holding as homosexual bonding.
The emotional trauma of our separation due to divorce, distance and his institutionalization is enough pain for both of us. I don't want to forcibly remove my hand from my son's simply to avoid the mistaken notions of thoughtless people who have no idea what it means to suffer a cognitive disability.
Perhaps if there are any such judgmental souls among your legion of readers, they will think twice the next time they see two grown men holding hands in public. -- OHIO FATHER
DEAR FATHER: People who stare, snicker or insult strangers in public are hardly the kind of individuals who should be judging anyone else's behavior.
I hope they recognize themselves in your letter and, as you said, think twice before assuming anything and expressing any form of disapproval. People should never judge another until they have been down the same path.
DEAR ABBY: I have read, viewed and heard all that I can stand about nursing homes.
Your recent article, in which "Grieving in Orange, Texas" wrote about visiting nursing homes and the need for volunteers, angered me to the point of writing this letter. The writer states that she heard the residents crying out for their family members by name all night.
I have been in the nursing home business for years. For six of those years, I worked for Iowa's largest nursing home chain. I have visited many nursing homes statewide and never once experienced what this lady is talking about. Most nursing homes have staffs with hearts bigger than Texas. They, in a sense, become like family to the residents and the residents' families. The staffs care so much that they are usually with the residents at the time of death if no family is available.
Bottom line is that I'm tired of picking up the paper or turning on TV and hearing something negative about nursing homes. We care. We really do. Give us a break.
If you're looking for a good story, come to my nursing home. I will show you a dedicated staff and a nursing home full of satisfied residents. I know there are lots of homes around just like it. -- MICHELLE PALMER, R.N., ADMINISTRATOR, LENOX CARE CENTER, LENOX, IOWA
DEAR MICHELLE: Well said. Your letter deserves space in this column, so here it is!
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)