For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Bride's Wedding Fantasy Runs Smack Into Mom's Lack of Cash
DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter (I'll call her "Alexis") is being married this year. She is planning a very large, expensive, fairy-tale wedding. Her father and I recently divorced after 29 years of marriage.
I have told Alexis and my ex-husband that I don't have a lot of money for this occasion because the divorce wiped out most of my savings. My daughter claims she doesn't want to hear it. I have offered to pay for her wedding gown. My ex insists that he expects me to pay for half the wedding, even if I have to take out a loan from him to do it.
I have tried to be upfront, but no one is listening. I'm 50 years old and need to save toward my retirement. I can't possibly afford to risk my entire future. Also, we have two more daughters -- so it's likely there will be more weddings in the future.
Please keep in mind that it won't be possible for me to volunteer to pay for only "my" invited guests. Almost everyone on the bride's side will be mutual friends and family both of my ex and myself.
Give me some desperately needed advice that won't hurt my daughter's feelings. I love Alexis very much and don't want to be responsible for spoiling a very special time in her life.
What are my responsibilities in this matter? -- NEEDS HELP IN NEW YORK
DEAR NEEDS HELP: It is extremely unwise to jeopardize your future for the sake of one day. I have always advised parents not to go into debt for a wedding. A wedding should be a gift from the parents, not an obligation.
Don't allow Alexis' unreasonable demands and those of your ex to intimidate you. Pay for what you can reasonably afford, and let your daughter adjust expenses accordingly.
DEAR ABBY: The letter signed "Examining Life in Ohio," from the woman who was married to a decent man but didn't consider him her "soul mate," prompts this letter.
I met my soul mate, and on our first date we both knew it. I figured it was the greatest love in the history of the world. I would have died for this man.
We were the perfect match! We had our ups and downs, and his family threw barbs at me every chance they got, but I withstood it because I knew I had his love.
So what happened? After 38 years, I finally admitted what I had been denying for decades (and he still denies): My husband is a more or less functioning alcoholic. He absolutely refuses help, and things are getting worse. The clues have been there for a long time.
Now I am envious of older couples enjoying their later years, while I live with a man who is dishonest and lies constantly. I cannot trust him. I dread holidays with our children and grandchildren. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of him. Not only do I no longer love him -- I don't even LIKE him.
A decent man in one's "golden years" must be wonderful. -- MARRIED PRINCE CHARMING
DEAR M.P.C.: You have my sympathy. Please do not allow yourself to remain submerged in your husband's alcohol problem.
If you haven't already done so, consider attending meetings of Al-Anon. The members are nonjudgmental and supportive. They offer first-hand experience to help you put your life back in order -- whether or not your husband chooses to admit his problem and sober up.
Al-Anon is worldwide, and you can locate a chapter by checking your telephone book.
NEW KID IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD LEARNS THAT THREE'S A CROWD
DEAR ABBY: Because of a job transfer, we moved to a new home in another state a few months ago. Our son is a fourth-grader who has never had a problem making friends. However, since moving to our new neighborhood, he has encountered the "one-friend-at-a-time" rule with two different neighborhood boys.
He comes home from school, hops on his bike, goes down the street and knocks on "Johnny's" door, only to be told that Johnny is playing with "Billy" now, and he's allowed to have only one friend over at a time -- so my son ends up alone.
Abby, the parents of these two boys call themselves "good Christians." They have pictures of Jesus all over their homes and go to church every Sunday. (Maybe they read a different Bible than we do -- ours says, "Love thy neighbor.")
Needless to say, our son's feelings are hurt and he misses his old buddies terribly. He is well-mannered and has been taught to share.
My husband and I are at a loss as to how to deal with these parents who think nothing of hurting a child's feelings. Please help. -- MOTHER OF NEW KID ON THE BLOCK
DEAR MOTHER: Many parents schedule "play dates" for their children, and it's possible that when your son drops in, this is the situation he's encountering. It's also possible that the parents feel they can accommodate only one child at a time, or are uncomfortable having an unfamiliar child in their home.
Encourage your son to reach out to other boys in the neighborhood or at school. They don't have to be the most popular or the most athletic.
An alternative to that would be to make sure he is involved with extracurricular activities such as sports, special interests or scouting -- common interests can also be the basis for lasting friendships.
DEAR ABBY: "Indebted to Them, Lakewood, Calif." was contrite about how she had treated her mother and stepfather. She asked if she should say something to apologize, and to thank them for putting up with her behavior.
Some time ago, you suggested that children write a letter to their parents saying how much they loved them and thanking them for all they had done. I not only took your advice -- I went further by writing letters to my in-laws from my first marriage, and also my present in-laws.
After my parents died, we found they had saved my letter. My father-in-law has shown the one I sent him to everyone in his rather large family. He is very proud of it.
In the letters, I thanked each of them for their gifts, tangible and intangible, and asked them to forgive my shortcomings. In the case of my in-laws, I thanked them for their daughter -- "a gift I will always treasure."
Abby, please suggest that "Indebted" put her feelings in writing so folks will have something to cherish for the rest of their lives. -- TOM COLLIMORE, SAN MARCOS, CALIF.
DEAR TOM: Thank you for the reminder. For years I have urged readers who are fortunate enough to have their parents (or even one parent) to whom they can give such a priceless gift, to write a letter expressing their love and gratitude for the countless things a parent must do to raise a child. Such a letter is sure to become a treasured keepsake.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Minister's Wrath Rains Down on Collecting Ceremonial Fees
DEAR ABBY: I have just read with disgust a letter in your column from a clergyperson giving a specific time when the clergy should be paid for performing a marriage. The writer is concerned that if payment is not made preceding the ceremony, he/she will have to ask for payment at a later time.
Ministers in most churches receive a salary that should include the performance of any service done in the church. I cannot help but wonder what the tab would be for a baptism or a funeral. In my denomination, services such as those are considered sacraments of the church. To even think of charging for any of them is nothing short of blasphemy.
Certainly, I have received gifts from brides and grooms for performing their wedding ceremony, but to expect or to ask for payment is simply not acceptable. It is crassness such as this that gives the church and its ministers much bad press.
Do you suppose that this person sends statements proclaiming "service rendered" that carry a monthly service charge if not paid promptly?
Hopefully, this individual will remember that the role of a minister is primarily that of a servant. -- THE REV. RALPH O. MARSH, ATHENS, GA.
DEAR REV. MARSH: Perhaps you are judging this clergyperson a bit too harshly. A survey of churches in the Los Angeles area reveals that some churches charge a "usage fee" for the church building (and minister), while others charge non-members to perform marriage ceremonies, but waive the fee for members.
Now that people know your policy, I predict your membership will increase by leaps and bounds.
DEAR ABBY: When I fell in love with Rodney, he was a single parent with a 4-year-old son called "Junie," for Junior. Rodney's wife had died before Junie was a year old. When I came on the scene, Junie started calling me "Mama" because I was the only mother he had ever known.
Now, after 10 years of marriage, some of Rodney's relatives still refer to Junie and me as "stepmother" and "stepson." That just breaks my heart.
When will I officially be known as "Mom"? -- JUNIE'S ONLY MOM
DEAR MOM: To people who think the way Rodney's relatives do, probably never. You can't change them, but you can change the way you react to them. When you are referred to as "stepmother," you might remind them that, although you may not be his biological mom, you are the only mother Junie has known. Then bask in the knowledge that you are truly Junie's mom, regardless of what anyone calls you.
DEAR ABBY: This is my "how we met" story:
In 1948, two friends stopped by my home and told me they were going to a dance in Brooklyn. Since I lived in New Jersey, I told them I didn't want to go. I had no car, so I didn't want to get involved with a girl so far away. Well, they would not take "no" for an answer. Since they had a car, I gave in and decided to go.
At the dance, I saw a very tall and attractive girl across the room. I walked over to ask her to dance, but another guy beat me to it. So instead of going back to where I had been, I asked the girl who had been sitting next to her for a dance.
To make a long story short, last month we celebrated our 50th wedding anniversary. -- STILL DANCING IN BERGENFIELD, N.J.
DEAR STILL DANCING: Congratulations on your golden anniversary. All married couples should be so lucky.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Easter will soon be here, and although I've cautioned you before, I must caution you again: If you plan to surprise a child with a live rabbit, baby duck or chick, please consider that living creatures need proper care. Unless you are absolutely certain that the little creature will receive the care it needs to survive, please give a stuffed bird or animal instead. Regardless of how cute baby animals are, they should not be given to children on impulse.
Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.